Totally Skippable
by Material
Summary: A joint project between me and Bhaal. This is where we take chapters of stories, and satirize them with our smartass comments. This week, Be A Bad Girl Sophie.
1. Not So Bewitched

**Totally Skippable**

**By Material and Bhaalspawn**

_**(Material: Okay, so welcome to Totally Skippable. Our parody of Unskippable, courtsey of Grahmn and Paul.)**_

_**(Bhaal: The whole point of this is to take chapters of stories, or parts of them, and make smartass comments in the middle of them.)**_

_**(Material: You'll get the point when we start. If this catches on, we'll make more chapters.)**_

_**(Bhaal: Please note, this is entirely for the humor purposes. It might help if you read this aloud in either an over the top manner, or in a sarcastic tone.)**_

**Episode 1:**** The Spellbook: Not So Bewitched**

Quahog was slowly recovering from the disaster caused by the "beer of truth", as the police stored the tainted beers and the Brewery increased their production so any drunken guy could remain drunk. However, there are still some tainted beers that the police couldn't find.

**Cutaway**

Early in the morning, Lois was cleaning the house as usual, when she heard a loud hit outside followed by a familiar scream, like somebody fell from the roof. Lois went outside and there was Quagmire, in a lot of pain, lying in the ground.

"Glenn!" said Lois in shock "Are you okay?" asked, a bit worried, as she helped her neighbour to stand up.

"Yes…yes…thanks"

"Wait, what were you doing up there?" asked Lois.

_**(Material: Trying to rape a squirrel)**_

"I was spying Meg" said Quagmire "Now that she's 18, she can ride on the Quagmire's tunnel of joy!" said Quagmire happily.

"What?" said Lois in disbelief.

"But don't worry, you can ride with her too!" replied him.

_**(Bhaal: I think I read something like that on AFF once)**_

"WHAT?"

_**(Bhaal: Don't judge me Lois)**_

"um…giggity?"

Lois then punched hard Quagmire, knocked him unconscious, and went back to her usual house working.

**End Cutaway**

And, speaking of Meg, she's on her room, in her bed. She had a very bad illness.

_**(Material: The evil Cross Dresser disease. She's been living with it for ten years now...a world record.)**_

"Hey, Meg, look what I brought for you" said Peter as he walked in her room holding a big box. "A PS3!"

"Thanks, dad, but it wasn't necessary. I'm not very fan of videogames" said Meg in a weak voice, before coughing.

"Come on sweetie, give it a chance" said Lois as she also walked in. "Your father took the trouble of renting this for you. He also rented this game" said Lois as she handed her daughter a box.

Meg looked at it. It was a copy of _Marvel vs Capcom vs Street Fighter vs Killer Instinct vs Mortal Kombat vs Tekken vs SmackDown vs Raw IV Turbo Beta ex plus: gold edition_.

**(Bhaal: Aww! I only have the Bronze Edition. It has less shiny lens flares!)**

"May I come in?" asked Matthew's voice from the aisle as he walked in.

_**(Material: The aisle? I thought they don't get married until later.)**_

"Matt!" said Meg with joy.

"Well, I'll guess you want to stay alone for a while" said Lois "Matt, don't bother her too much, she need to rest"

"I'm okay" said Meg before coughing.

"I'll bring you up later some soup" said Lois as she and Peter left the room.

"So, how do you feel today, honey?" asked Matt.

"Pretty worse than yesterday" replied as she coughed more. "God, I feel so bad…"

_**(Bhaal: Oh yes, you're a bad girl aren't you?)**_

Matt then sat near Meg and cuddled her.

"Matt, there's something I want to tell you" said Meg.

"What is it?"

_**(Material: I'm secretly an illegal alien from SPACE!)**_

"Please, look below the bed. There's a big book. Bring it here" asked Meg. Matt did it.

"What is this?" asked Matt, as he turned some pages of the book "It seems to be very old…"

"It's a spellbook" said Meg "a _real _spellbook"

Matt then gave Meg such a look for what she just said.

"You don't believe me?" said Meg "Well, look at this"

Meg opened the book in a random page, and recited a spell. Suddenly a bunch of squirrels burst from below the bed, and ran outside the room.

"Aw! Aw! AWWWWWWWWW! Damn squirrels!!" shouted Peter offscreen, along with the sounds of hundreds of tiny bites .

"Wow, you're right, it's real!" said Matt in amazement. "Wait, did you use this for make me falling in love with you?"

"Of course not!" replied Meg, offended.

_**(Bhaal: Then, she started shifting her eyes suspiciously.)**_

"Well, it's just that I never understand why I'm the only guy who finds you attractive"

_**(Bhaal: BECAUSE YOU'RE THE AUTHOR INSERTION OF A FANTASY-RIDDEN NERD!)**_

"Hey, I remind you that I had a lot of boyfriends before meeting you!" shouted Meg.

_**(Material: Sure you did.)**_

"Meg, please, don't get so angry. Hey, do you have a PS3?" asked Matt when he noticed it.

_**(Bhaal: No, that's just a big black block in the shape of a PS3.)**_

"Yeah, dad brought it here so I could have some entertainment, since I cannot leave bed" replied Meg.

"Whoa, do you have _Marvel vs Capcom vs Street Fighter vs Killer Instinct vs Mortal Kombat vs…_" Mat then stopped when he was out of breath, and gasped for air. Then continued "_vs Tekken vs SmackDown vs Raw IV Turbo Beta ex plus: gold edition_!"

_**(Bhaal: Stop rubbing it in Matt!)**_

"Do you want to play a bit?" asked Meg.

"Of course! Besides I'm sure that some harmless passive violence will be good for cheering you up"

"Okay, let's get started…" said Meg as she grabbed a controller and gave the other to her boyfriend.

They switched on the PS3 and the game began. The fist thing they did was setting up the teams. Matthew chose a bad guy team formed by Magneto, Mr. Vison, Scorpio and Heihachi. Meg chose a team formed by random selected characters, who were Spiderman, Randy Orton, Chun Li and Yoshimitsu. The fight began, and Matthew, as expected, defeated Meg's team without sweating.

".god" said Meg in shock "I wasn't able to do anything!" complained.

"Well, you're talking with a master in these games" said Matt proudly. "Do you want a rematch?"

"Sure!" said Meg, now a bit more cheered.

Meg also lost the next rematches, however, each match Meg played better than previous, until she was finally able to defeat Matt when Randy Orton delivered a powerful RKO on Scorpio.

_**(Bhaal: What does RKO mean? Something-Knock Out, I know that much.)**_

"Yes! I finally won!" said Meg in excitement.

Matt frowned a bit.

"Well, honestly, I wasn't playing good, so you could win at least once, so don't get so cocky!" said Matt, trying to hide his hurt ego.

"Really? Then let's play again, and show me your skill, big boy" teased Meg.

_**(Material: Oh I'll show you my skill alright.)**_

_**(Bhaal: You know, this is perhaps the most dialogue Matt's had in this entire story.)**_

Both played again, but the match was similar to the previous one. This time, Chun Li was beating the crap out of Magneto. Then she switched to Spiderman, and trapped with a spiderweb his rival. The other three characters form Team Meg entered in the fight, and beat Magneto up.

"This is not funny" said Matt.

_**(Bhaal: You're right, it's hilarious)**_

"Oh, come on, take it easy" said Meg.

"Take it easy?" asked Matt. "Okay, I didn't want to do this, but you forced me too. A rematch?"

"Accept!" said Meg.

The fight began, but this time Matt used some kind of cheat as he summoned…Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris delivered to the entire Meg Team a roundhouse kick, killing them instantly. However, even in a videogame, Chuck's kicks are so powerful that the TV exploded.

Suddenly, Lois entered the room.

"What the hell was that?" asked a bit confused, as she saw the TV.

"Uhh…nothing…" said Meg.

"Anyway, Matt, it's time for you to leave. Meg needs to rest" said Lois.

"But mom! I was just starting to have fun!" begged Meg.

"Your mom's right, honey" said Matt. "You must rest"

_**(Material: As opposed to "You have to rest". It's all about the delivery in this buisness.)**_

"Okay…" said Meg in defeat.

"I call you tonight. Get better!" said Matt a he walked out of the room. He blew her a kiss before leaving. Meg shyly smiled.

_**(Bhaal: Aww, she's so cute when she's pathetic.)**_

Lois then walked towards Meg, and sat on her bed. Then she placed her hand on her daughter's forehead.

"It seems that your fever has lowered" said Lois. "How do you feel?"

"A bit better. I can't believe I'm saying this, but dad got a good idea bringing me that video game" said Meg.

"See? Your dad only wants you to be better, although many times may seem the opposite. Now you should sleep a bit. I'm sure you'll soon be healthy again." Said Lois as she left the room.

Meg then covered with her blankets, and fell asleep.

…

When Meg opened her eyes, there was nothing but darkness.

"Uh? What is this?" asked Meg, confused. "Where am I?"

_**(Bhaal and Material: The dark, you dumb bimbo!)**_

Meg heard a sinister laugh. Then she realized that she was floating.

"You're in the end of your travel…" said an enigmatic female French voice.

"Who are you?" asked Meg, now in fear.

Suddenly, a woman dressed in black appeared in front of her. Her clothes seemed from the middle ages.

"Who…who are you?"

"My name's Miriam" said the woman, in a French accent "And I am the original owner of your Spellbook!" said, very angered.

"What? No way!" said Meg.

"_Oui,_ I wrote that book. I was a witch who lived with her sisters in the south of France in the XIII century. However my sisters and I wer captured by the Inquisition, tortured and burned to death" revealed the witch

_**(Bhaal: Man, barbecues were more morbid in the thirteenth century.)**_

"So you're a …ghost?" asked Meg.

"I guess yes, I'm a ghost, but soon I'll be life again, and YOU are going to help me to do that!" said the witch. "I'm going to take over your body!"

"No way!" replied Meg.

"You have no choice, darling" said Miriam. "Remember that cloud of dust when you opened the book for first time?"

"What about it?"

"That were my ashes!" said Miriam. "My ashes introduced in your body, allowing me to be there as a guest, but without any type of control over it. However, every time you used the book for cast a spell, your body absorbed part of the magical energy unleashed. And with that energy, I'll be able of finally possess you body and come to life again!" said triumphal.

"No, you can't possess me!" begged Meg. "I'm fat! And ugly! And unpopular!"

_**(Material: Way to have self-esteem, Meg.)**_

"Oh, don't worry. When my powers are restored, that won't be any trouble. Now, said _au revoir_ to your body, Megan Griffin!"

"No, no, no…!" Meg shouted, but her voice was lost in the darkness, as she began to lose conscious.

Miriam opened her eyes. She raised up and looked at herself.

"At last!" said, exulted "After 800 years of torment, I did it! I'm alive again!"

_**(Bhaal: Wow, she's still hot after 800 years. My mother needs to ask her what her secret is.)**_

Then she looked at herself in the mirror of Meg's dressing table.

"Ewww, she was right! She's fat and ugly!" said Miriam with disgust. "Anyway, I'll guess I can do something about this…"

At the lunch time, everybody (except, obviously, Meg) was at the table ready for lunch. Lois has set the table, and was about to bring Meg her lunch to her room. However, she stoppen when she heard the door of Meg's room opening, and the sound of Meg's steps.

"Meg, sweetheart, do you feel good enough to get up the bed?" asked Lois. However, when everybody saw Meg, they stared at her in shock. Lois even dropped the dish she was holding.

Meg had her hair styled in the same way as she had when she got the makeover, but this time was dyed in pitch black. Also, she had on black eye shadows, black lipstick, was wearing black gothic clothes…let's say that everything in Meg was now black, except her skin, that was pale white.

_**(Bhaal: God, those political correctness censors ruin EVERYTHING!)**_

"Oh my god, it finally happened!" shouted Stewie "Her life was so depressing that she turned into an emo!"

"Meg…are you okay?" asked Brian a bit worried. "I think you should rest a bit more"

"Shh, shut up" whispered Peter to the dog. "This ought to be better than the revelation about Smith's identity".

**Flashback**

The entire family is in the living room watching _Matrix Reloaded_. Specifically, the scene where Neo is fighting for first time the army of Smith clones.

The fight began. The Smiths charged against Neo, however, he used his advanced martial art skills, kicking away the Smiths in a fast motion punches and kicks. However, the Smiths didn't give up that easily, and they charge again. Meanwhile, more Smiths come to the battle. Overwhelmed, Neo grabbed an iron pole, drove it into the ground, and began to spin around the pole, kicking the Smiths in the process. One of the Smiths is kicked in the face, breaking his sunglasses, revealing that it was…

"CHINESE!?" said Neo in confusion, as the battle stopped with a record scratching sound. "You're Chinese?"

In fact, Smith had almond shaped eyes.

"Of course I'm Chinese!" replied Smith. "Otherwise I couldn't replicate into other people." Explained.

"Wait, wait, wait…are you saying that EVERY Chinese guy can do this?" asked Neo.

"Yeah. Why do you think there more than a billion of Chinese people in the world? Or why do you think almost every Chinese guy or girl resembles each other?" asked Smith.

"So…how many original Chinese people are there in the world?" asked Neo.

"I don't know exactly. 10, 12, maybe 15. The rest are clones" explained Smith.

"Oh…shall we continue fighting?"

"Sure!"

The Matrix fighting theme began to play again as the fight resumed.

**End Flashback**

**(A/N: Sorry if I offended any Chinese people. I just HAD to do it)**

"Oh no…don't worry about me…I feel t_rés bien_" said Meg in a French accent.

"So, do you feel better to go to school?" asked Lois.

"I guess yes…" said Meg.

_**(Bhaal: Notice how nobody notices her French accent?)**_

In the school, like in her home Meg's new look surprised most of the students. Others, however, like Stewie said, didn't were surprised at all. However, nobody noticed her French accent.

_**(Bhaal: Yeah, why is that again?)**_

"Hello Meg" said Connie as she and her friends walked to Meg. "Beautiful look"

"Um…_merçi_…" replied Miriam.

"Do you think it's beautiful?" asked Lisa. "She seems like a freaking corpse!"

"I know" said Connie. "Because nothing is uglier than Meg _alive_!" said Connie as she and her friends began to laugh.

_**(Material: Ooh! Bitch got claws!)**_

Miriam glared at them angrily. Her eyes were glowing with an eerie red glow.

"However, my look isn't as beautiful as your hair, _cherie_" said Miriam.

"Of course, my hair is…AHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Connie when she saw that her hair was turned into a bunch of snakes!

Connie then ran through the hallway, screaming in terror and angst. Her friends followed her. Meg/Miriam laughed with pleasure. The rest of the day at school passed at someone who's reading this chapter would expect: Meg cursed or turned into animals the teachers who reprimanded her, all the boys and girls who called her ugly or any other insults, and set on fire some classes. At the end of the day, hardly anybody in the school was free of Meg/Miriam's evil magic powers, only her boyfriend Matt and few others. The only exception was the French class, where the teacher was very pleased with her. She though that Meg had studied a lot, and congratulated her for her hard work.

_**(Bhaal: Finally, somebody notices her accent!)**_

_**(Material: I like this new sadistic Meg. Much more appealing.)**_

Meg/Miriam returned to the Griffin house by the afternoon.

"Meg, are you at home already?"

_**(Bhaal: Obviously! She just walked in the damn door!)**_

said Lois. "I thought you have to work today in the Gardening Store".

"Ummm…Helen said I could take this day free. She had…some affairs of her own."

Meanwhile, on the gardening store, old lady Helen is fighting with an evil mutant plant.

Back to the Griffin house, Meg notices that the house is very quiet.

"Where are the rest?" asked Meg.

"Peter and Brian are on the Clam, Chris is at his soccer training, and Stewie is in her room sleeping." Said Lois.

_**(Material: Stewie's a girl now?)**_

"So, we're alone, _ce n'est pas?_" asked Meg.

"Yes. Would you like to practice some piano with me?" asked Lois.

"Yes, why not?" replied Meg.

"Okay. Wait here. I'm going to bring the score" said Lois before going upstairs.

When Lois came back, the room was empty.

"Meg? Where are you…?" said Lois before Meg hit her with a frying pan, knocking her unconscious.

_**(Bhaal: Cool, that was better than-)**_

_**(Material: No starting flashbacks in other people's stories.)**_

When Lois opened her eyes, she felt a headache. She was in the basement. She saw that her hands were tied to the ceiling, and around her was set the scenario for some kind of dark ritual, such like candles, runes, skulls and other satanic stuff. In front of her was Meg, holding the spellbook.

_**(Bhaal: I think I read something like this on AFF, too.)**_

"Meg, what are you doing?" asked Lois.

"_Tais-toi!_" shouted Meg.

"Meg, honey, if this is for reading your diary, I swear that…"

"There's nothing you can say for stop your doom, _mademoiselle_ Griffin." Said Meg.

"Wait…you…you aren't Meg!" said Lois in realization.

"Bravo! You finally realized. However, you're a bit too late" said Meg.

"What have you done with my daughter!?" asked Lois, with fear and anger.

_**(Material: She possessed her, obviously! You guys are really dense this chapter.)**_

"The same thing I'm going to do with YOU!" said Miriam with emphasis. "I'm going to use your body for bring back my sister to life. Now, stand still. This won't hurt" said Meg, before casting an array of green lightings to her mother. Lois levitated in the air as she was shouting in pain.

"You said this won't hurt!" cried Lois.

"And I LIED!" laughed Meg in a very sadistic manner. "I'm an evil witch, what did you expect?"

_**(Material: Puppies and rainbows?)**_

"You're not a witch, but a BITCH!" shouted Lois. "Hey, did you notice that witch and bitch almost sound the same?"

"Enough chitchat!" shouted Meg "Lorraine, my dear sister, take the body I offer you, and come to life once more!"

_**(Bhaal: When somebody says something like "Once More" I can't help but wonder how many times this dumb broad has died. That's weirder than-)**_

_**(Material: Nope.)**_

_**(Bhaal: But I-)**_

_**(Material: Don't care.)**_

**End Episode**


	2. Be Careful What You Dream For

_**(Material: Well, this is being well recieved.)**_

_**(Bhaal: Yeah, almost as much as the actual Unskippable. You're rally into the Escapist Spin-offs aren't you?)**_

**Episode Two: TSB: Be Careful What You Dream For: Part 1**

Nothing feels better after a hard day at work where you have to put up with a bitchy boss and an over-retarded co-worker than going to have some drinks with your friends at a borderline-decent pub. Yeah, to make long things short, Peter is drinking with his friends at the clam as usual.

_**(Bhaal: I thought you said somebody who had to deal with a retarded co-worker?)**_

"So, how about our plan for this weekend?" asked Peter. "It still stands?"

"Sure it is" said Quagmire.

"I hope that this trip will be better than the X-men convention" said Cleveland dryly.

**Flashback**

Peter, Joe, Quagmire and Cleveland are in an X-men convention disguised. Peter is dressed as wolverine, Quagmire is dressed as Cyclops, Joe is dressed as Professor X and Cleveland…is dressed as Storm.

"Why I have to be storm?" asked Cleveland, pissed.

"We told you a thousand times, Storm is the only black mutant" explained Peter.

"That's not true!" complained Cleveland "What about Bishop?"

"Come on, Bishop isn't very popular, in fact he even didn't appear on the movies" said Joe. "Besides, I also was forced to be Professor X because he's the only one who is handicapped AND YOU DON'T SEE ME COMPLAINING LIKE A QUEER!" shouted Joe.

"At least, tell that sick pervert to stop nipping my butt!!" said Cleveland.

"Sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable, but when I see you with that white wig, that fake breast and…giggity!" said Quagmire

**End Flashback**

"Hey guys, you know what we can do for having some laughs?" suggested Peter slyly.

"What?" asked Cleveland.

_**(Material: Make wacky dialogue like retarded Ewoks!)**_

"We could go stand over near Brian, and we'll take a drink every time he says 'bonerific', you know, his trademark catchphrase" said Peter as he snorted a bit loudly.

_**(Material: Oh, that works too.)**_

The guys then walked near Brian, who was in the bar having a drink and talking with his girlfriend Jillian.

"So, Brian, how do you feel tonight?" asked Quagmire.

"Good. I'm really enjoying tonight" said Brian.

"And…how's your relationship with Jillian going?" asked Peter.

_**(Bhaal: I'm a dog, boning a human. Don't I look like the luckiest bastard to ever live?)**_

"Fine, I'm glad that you ask. Now that Jillian was nice enough to give me a second chance, I'm going to make damn sure that she feels loved and appreciated" said Brian sweetly, as he held Jillian's hand and smiled. Jillian smiled him back.

"So, everything goes fine, good, or something that rhymes with 'terrific', huh?" asked Joe.

Brian then released Jillian's hand and frowned, now aware of the game that they were playing on him.

"Are you with that crap again?" asked Brian, annoyed. "Well, you can stay there all night and wait me to say that word, because I WON'T!"

"Which word?" asked Cleveland.

"Bonerific" said Brian.

"HAAAAAAAAAAA!!" laughed the group while pointing Brian.

"Did I tell you?! You can't keep this guy from saying it!" laughed Peter.

"But 'Bonerific isn't even a real word…!" complained Brian.

"He did it again! He did it again!" laughed Cleveland.

Brian rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Come on, Jillian, let's go somewhere with less idiots" growled Brian, as he and Jillian left the bar.

_**(Material: You live in Quahog! That's like mining for gold in a septic tank.)**_

Peter and the guys continued drinking and talking about trivial things when Horace walked to them.

"Sorry, but it's time for closing" announced the barman.

"Okay" said Joe. "Who's going to drive?"

"Don't look at me" said Cleveland. "I've been drinking as much as you"

"God, that means that we must go back to our houses WALKING?" asked Quagmire horrified.

"Don't worry, nobody will walk tonight!" said Peter, then looked at Joe. "Although I know somebody who would love to…well, because unlike you I'm a smart person, _**(Bhaal: There's a stretch)**_ I called my son in law to be our designated driver. He should arrive here at any moment.

In that very moment, Matt entered in the bar, dragging his feet, looking really exhausted.

_**(Bhaal: Man I gotta lay off those cool ranch Doritos.)**_

"Peter…did you call me?" asked Matt before yawning.

"Yes, I want you to take us home" said Peter as he tossed the keys of his car to Matt.

"Peter, are you sure the kid's okay?" asked Joe.

_**(Material: No Joe, I called him even though I knew he wasn't okay!)**_

"Yes, he looks worst than Cleveland Junior's teachers when they try to calm him down, and I can say that that's really hard" said Cleveland.

"Nah, he looks fine, right buddy?" asked Peter to Matt.

"Where am I?" asked Matt, as he has just woke up from a dream.

Minutes later, everybody is in Peter's station wagon, with Matt driving…or at least trying to.

"Hey, try not to sleep while driving, okay?" said Joe.

"Peter, the boy seems a bit tired" said Quagmire, showing some worry.

"Lois told me that he's been several nights in which he couldn't get to sleep. But he sleeps with Meg after all, so, who could?" asked Peter.

_**(Bhaal: Makes sense. Boinking Meg must be like riding a bike on train tracks. You'll get where you're going, but you'll feel every bump.)**_

Nobody laughed at his pun.

_**(Bhaal: Fine be that way you jerks.)**_

"Hey, where are we?" asked Cleveland, as he looked through the window of the back seat.

In fact, they where in a part of Quahog totally unknown for them.

"Peter, Matt can't drive properly tonight" said Joe. "Let's get back on a bus or a taxi"

"Nah, he's fine, right, Matthew?" said Peter, still optimist.

"Huh? Did you say something?" asked Matt, sleepy as he turned back.

"Keep watching the road, you idiot!" shouted Joe.

_**(Material: Oh just for that, I'm not parking in a handicapped spot.)**_

"What?"

The station wagon then crashed against a streetlamp.

The next day, by the lunch time, Peter and Matt are taken to home from the hospital by their wives.

"Thanks god that none of you had serious wounds" said Lois as she helped Peter to sit on the kitchen.

_**(Bhaal: Are you sure Peter should be sitting on the kitchen with his weight?)**_

Meg did the same with Matt.

"Dad, why the hell did you called Matt to be your designated driver?" asked Meg, full of anger. "You knew that he's going through insomnia recently!"

"And what the hell did you want me to do? All of us were drunk!" protested Peter.

"Maybe if you didn't drink that much…" reproached Lois, a bit angry. Peter then gasped and looked at her in shock.

"Lois, because I love you, I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that" said Peter, visibly offended. "In fact, I'm going to pretend that you said 'pineapple' for no reason. Hehehehehehehehe! Lois, why did you said 'pineapple' for no reason? God, you women are so stupid…"

In that moment, Rosie teleported in the middle of the room and jumped on her dad's lap. Flare (who was now a fully grown phoenix, and had almost the size of Brian) entered in the room flying and sat in the table near his owner.

"Daddy!" shouted the toddler, cheerful. "Play with me and Flare!"

_**(Material: Oh sure, like I want to play with a mini-mage and some fiery chicken. Mmmmm...extra spicy chicken.)**_

"Sorry, sport, but daddy is too tired to play with you…" said Matt weakly before yawning. "Why don't you play with Stewie?"

"He doesn't want to play with me" said Rosie. "He said that he has some unfinished business of his own. I wonder what mean that"

**Cutaway**

Stewie is in his secret lab, dressed with a lab coat. He has his teddy bear Rupert is strapped to a lab table, with some cables attached to it.

"And now, Rupert, my friend, you'll stop being only a stuffed animal and become a REAL ANIMAL!" shouted Stewie before switching his device.

Electricity flows through the cables attached to Rupert, until there's a big explosion. Stewie, coughing, waves his hands to disperse the smoke and see if his experiment was a success.

"Rupert…are you real now?" asked Stewie.

And yes, in the lab table there's a huge real it's very angry.

"Oh, Rupert, you're alive! Gimme a hug!" said Stewie with joy as he walked to the angry bear.

**(The last scene was removed from the cutaway)**

_**(Bhaal: You bastard!)**_

**End Cutaway**

Flare then shrieked.

"Rosie, sweetie, I don't think that the kitchen is a nice place for an animal" said Lois.

"Well, Brian eats in the kitchen with us. I don't see why Flare has to be different" replied Rosie. "Besides, he's hungry, and he knows that the kitchen is the proper place to eat, unlike other people who eat from garbage"

"I don't eat from garbage!" complained Brian offscreen. "At least not anymore…"

Lois then took from a cupboard a piece of meat and threw it to Flare, that caught it and swallowed it entirely. The phoenix then let out a loud shriek enclosed with a fiery sudden blaze. Lois screamed in terror and clumsily stepped backwards. Although she avoided the blaze, her hair and clothes were slightly charred.

"Haha, Flare says that he likes you!" laughed Rosie.

"Oh…that's great…" stammered Lois.

"Flare also says that he's sorry for scaring you. He still has some troubles with his fire breath" said Rosie, apologizing for her bird pet.

_**(Material: Man, having a phoenix for a pet would be awesome! Rosie must feel like that pervy Dumbledore dude.)**_

Minutes later, everybody is having lunch in the kitchen _**(Bhaal: As opposed to the the laundry room.)**_, discussing about the accident and Matt's insomnia.

"God, this is horrible" said Matt. "It's been three nights in which I cannot sleep" said Matt, who was so tired that he couldn't even eat. "Even if fall asleep, I can't sleep more than an hour"

"Poor Matthew" said Meg as she placed a hand on her husbands shoulder.

"Hey, Meg, why don't you use the spellbook to help Matt to sleep?" suggested Chris.

"No!" suddenly said Matt. "I don't want magic being used on me, okay?"

_**(Material: Are you sure he's not the long lost son of Darren?)**_

"Awww…my dreams of being useful were crushed…hey, I have another idea, why don't you buy a fish, attach a string to it, put somewhere in the street, wait a cat to see it, and when he's going to get it, you pull the string and surprise the cat!"

"And, how is going that to help me to sleep?" asked Matt.

"It won't, but it will be funny!" laughed Chris.

"Matt, if you can't sleep, why don't you spend the night doing something productive or entertaining?" suggested Brian. "You could read a book, go for a walk, do some exercise or find a hobby to do at night"

"Hey, you're right!" said Matt. "You know, when I was little I used to build castles, houses and stuff like that by using anything but matches and glue"

_**(Bhaal: Uh...okay...somebody has a pyro problem.)**_

"That's a good idea!" said Peter. "You could inhale the glue until you lose conscious, and thus this, you'll sleep!"

_**(Bhaal: Man, I used to sniff glue in Kindergarten. It smelled like mayo.)**_

"Peter, I think that he's saying that he could spend the night in building things with matches and glue until he's so tired that he falls asleep" said Lois.

Peter then looked at her in shock.

"Hehehehehe! Why did you say 'The mole builds his house near a volcano' for no reason, Lois? God, each day your stupidity amazes me more…" said Peter.

The night arrived, and when everybody was ready to get home, Matt was preparing for build a castle of matches.

"Here you have all what you need" said Lois, as he gave him a huge bag. "three hundred boxes of matches and twenty glue storage jars. I hope it will be enough"

"Don't worry, I'm sure it will be" said Matt.

"The bed is going to seem so empty and big without you…" said Mg a bit downbeat.

"Don't worry honey, it will be only for tonight. Tomorrow, after I slept at least six hours, we will have more sex than we have on our wedding night"

"Uh…Matt, we barely have sex on our wedding night, remember?" said Meg.

_**(Material: AND THERE WAS A GOOD REASON FOR THAT!)**_

**Flashback**

Matt is lying on a hospital bed, with Meg(still in her wedding dress) at his side. It's late in the night.

"God, I've never imagined that our wedding night it would be this crappy" said Meg.

"Well, thank your dad for this" said Matt bitterly.

_**(Bhaal: No, thakn my Matt for that. I'm sure you all read my flashback!)**_

"At least the doctors said that you're okay…" said Meg. Then she came closer to him. "Matt, you know, if we are silent enough and careful with your wounds, we could…" Meg then whispered the last part to his husband, and both of them giggled.

"Okay, let's do it!" said Matt, upbeat.

But when Meg was about to undress, a male nurse entered in the room.

"Sorry, Mrs. Kennedy, but the visit hour is over" announced the nurse.

"Can you let me stay five minutes more?" begged Meg.

"Sorry, but no. Those are the hospital rules. You can visit him again tomorrow. Besides, I have to give him his daily medicines" said the nurse.

"Okay" said Meg before leaving. She also blew her husband a kiss.

"Well, Mr. Kennedy, this won't hurt, but you'll feel sleepy" said the nurse before injecting the medicine.

Matt then began to blink, until he felt asleep, due to the painkiller's effect. The nurse then came closer to him and stroke his cheek.

"What a hot body wasted in a vagina…" moaned the nurse in a new effeminate voice.

_**(Bhaal: Oh my god, Junior High flashback.)**_

**End Flashback**

The very next day, the family woke up at morning, and went downstairs, to see if Matt was able to sleep.

"Matt, darling, were you able to-HOLY CRAP!" shouted Meg.

In the living room there were several match-made castles, pyramids, towers, the Mount Rushmore, and even match-made replicas of the whole family.

_**(Material: Well someboduy was busy.)**_

"It didn't work…" said Matt, who was in a corner, with his kneed clutched to his chest. "WHY I CAN'T SLEEP?!" shouted.

"My god, this is even worse than that time Brian and I were high on pot" said Peter.

**Flashback**

Peter and Brian are in the living room, smoking pot.

"Brian, you're a dog, right?" asked Peter.

"Yup" replied Brian.

"And you're atheist, right?" asked again Peter.

"Yes…" said Brian.

"How can you be atheist being a dog?" asked Peter.

"What…? What the hell has to do being a dog with being atheist?" asked Brian in surprise. "I think that we smoked too much…"

"Brian, don't you realize? 'God' is 'Dog' spelled backwards!" said Peter.

Brian's eyes then widen in horror.

"Om my god...it's…TRUE! What I've done? Forgive me Lord!" shouted Brian as he ran out from the house.

"Hehehehehehehe…idiot…he didn't realize that 'God' spells with H…" laughed Peter before falling unconscious.

_**(Bhaal: You'd think an idiot would be smart when he's high.)**_

**End Flashback**

Later that day, Meg is working as usual in the gardening store with Daphne (who is no longer using her old lady disguise).

"I heard that your boy has some insomnia" said Daphne.

_**(Material and Bhaal: Her son?)**_

"Yes" replied Meg. "Poor Matt, nights have become a living hell for him"

"You know, there may be some remedies for the insomnia in your spellbook…" hinted Daphne.

"No" said Meg. "Matt don't like the idea of magic used on him, even if it's for good"

"Oh, don't worry, it isn't _magical _literally. Say, do you have the book here?" asked the witch.

Meg then opened her backpack and pulled out the spellbook. She put it on the counter.

"Natural remedies!" shouted Daphne as she pointed with her index finger to the book. The spellbook opened by itself, and its pages began to turn until it reached the section 'Natural Remedies'.

"I need to learn that" said Meg.

_**(Bhaal: My lesbain aunt can do that.)**_

Daphne then began to look through the pages.

"A-ha! Here it is" said Daphne, who was pointing to some recipe. "The Tea of Dreams"

"Tea of Dreams?" asked Meg.

"Yes" replied Daphne as she was looking for the ingredients through the store. "Is an ancient remedy for insomnia, and it doesn't involve magic. It has some side effects, but they only affect witches and mages, so your husband has nothing to fear"

"So, if I give him this tea, he'll be able to sleep tonight?" asked Meg, while stuffing the herbs and seeds in her backpack.

"I ensure you that" said Daphne.

"Wow! Thanks a lot!" said Meg before closing hr backpack and leaving the store.

Daphne then resumed her job at the store, when she realized of something.

"Hey! Where the hell are you going? There is an hour to go till closing!!" shouted Daphne.

Minutes later, Meg arrives at the Griffin house, where a really tired Matt is watching TV with Rosie.

_**(Material: Aww, father-daughter bondage...shit! I meant bonding!)**_

_**(Bhaal: I think it's time we talked about your problem.)**_

"Matt! I have good news!" said Meg.

"Did you get those tickets for Wrestlemania 25?" asked Matt excited.

"Uh, no" said Meg, who noticed her husband's disappointed expression. "I found a way you can sleep!"

"Really?" asked Matt, again upbeat.

"Yes. You know, there's a section in the spellbook that-"said Meg before being interrupted by Matt.

"Ah, no! I told you that I don't want-" said Matt, but he was also interrupted.

_**(Bhaal: Shut up! I want to hear this. God, the one time you actually speak and it's when I don't want you to!)**_

"You didn't even let me explain!" shouted Meg. "There's a recipe for a special tea in the spellbook that helps people to sleep. And don't worry, it hasn't any magical stuff, it's just only some herbs mixed with water".

"So, you'll be able to sleep?" asked Rosie, full of hope.

"Yes sweetie" said Meg. "And I'm pretty sure that dad will play with you a lot after it"

_**(Material: ...Suggestive tone of voice optional.)**_

The night arrived soon. Moments after getting on bed, Meg prepared the special tea for Matt, and, for first time in days, he was able to sleep the whole night.

The next morning, Matt woke up, realizing that he has been sleeping.

"Meg, wake up!" said Matt as she shook Meg gently.

"Huh…what time is it?" asked Meg.

"7:03 in the morning. Get up, we must prepare for school" said Matt. "Oh, and newsflash: I was able to sleep all the night!" said Matt cheerfully.

"Really? That's awesome!" said Meg, before hugging her husband. "I knew that that tea would work!"

_**(Bhaal: Yes...the tea...I didn't slip a muscle relaxant into his drink...no I did not.)**_

Later, everybody is in the kitchen having breakfast.

"Matt, you look much better today!" praised Lois. "I guess that you were able to sleep"

"Sure I was!" said Matt. His voice irradiated optimist and energy. "And now, I have enough energy to pay attention at school, make headway at work, play with my beloved daughter and spend time with my wife"

"Geez, you're such a sucker if you want to do that" pointed Peter. "You should spend the day in doing more productive and useful things like drink, hang out with friends, watch porn, drink while hanging out with friends, drink while watching porn, watching porn with friends, or drink while watching porn with your friends."

"Wow, what a wide range of activities" said Brian dryly. "It seems that the word 'boredom' is unknown for you"

"Of course it is, just like the word 'gravity' is unknown for Chinese people" said Peter

(A/N: If you have seen some Chinese-themed movies about ninjas/samurais like 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' or 'The Forbidden Kingdom', you'll know what I'm talking about)

After breakfast, Matt and Meg are heading to the James Woods high in Matt's motorbike.

"God, I can't remember the last time I felt this great!" said Matt.

"I'm so happy for you" said Meg.

"I've ever had a dream" _**(Material: Ah, the less famous "I had a dream" speech.) **_ mentioned Matt. "And it was so real…"

"What was it about?" asked Meg.

"You see, you know, we were at class as usual, when somebody pulled the fire alarm. Everybody ran out of the classes, but when we reached the hall, everybody slipped on the floor and fell. It was a prank made by some punks who waxed the floor" commented Matt. "Then, when were back at home, your parents were discussing. I didn't hear it too well, but it was about Peter squandering the family savings on some stupid stuff…then…the last part" said Matt trying to remember. "The last part was the most horrifying."

"What it was?" asked Meg, intrigued.

"I dreamt that Brian was with Jillian at her apartment. But the apartment was set on flames. They tried to escape, but due to the inhalation of smoke they fell unconscious, and were engulfed by the flames" said Matt.

"That's horrible!" said Meg, shocked.

_**(Bhaal: That's awesome! I hate that anthromorphic-)**_

_**(Material: Bhaal, stop, you're going to piss of the Brian fans! And they have armies!)**_

"Yes, I felt relieved when I realized that it was only a dream. Well, here we are…" said Matt, parking his motorbike in front of the school.

Meanwhile, Peter is working at the brewery as usual, when he's approached by his boss Angela.

"GRIFFIN!" roared Angela. "Where are those shipping reports!?"

_**(Bhaal: I shipped them to reporters.)**_

"Sorry, but I have some difficulties that prevented me from file them" excused Peter.

"Difficulties? Which difficulties?" asked Angela, still angered.

"You see, today is Monday, and on Mondays I use to watch the new youtube videos of skaters hitting against walls or rolling down the stairs in their vain attempt to do aerobatics. It's so freakin' sweet!" said Peter.

_**(Material: Ahh those lovable, masochistic bastards.)**_

"I don't mind the skaters!" shouted Angela. "You're here to work, not to amuse yourself! Now get back to work!"

"Okay, okay…" said Peter as he watched how his boss left the room. "Stupid bitch…hey, what's this?" said Peter, looking at the screen of his computer. "A multi-property chalet in Colorado? Frekin' sweet!"

Back to the James Woods High, Meg, Matt and their classmates are noting down the teacher's explanations, when the fire alarm suddenly rang. Matt and Meg looked at each other with puzzled expression.

"Okay, some fire started somewhere in the school" said the teacher. "Now I want you to keep calm and walk slowly out of the-" however, the teacher was trampled by the hysterical mass of students who didn't want to die burned.

_**(Bhaal: [All that can be heard on the microphone is hysterical laughter.])**_

However, when they were in the locker's hall, everybody slipped and fell on their asses.

"What the hell is this?" asked one of the students, while rubbing his ass.

"Somebody waxed the floor!" complained another

"Who made this mess?" asked another one.

"Okay, what's going on? Why is everybody making such a…?" asked Principal Shepherd as he exited his office. However he also slipped with the waxed floor and fell backwards in a very comical way, making everybody to laugh at him. "WHO DID THIS!!?"

_**(Bhaal: I did it! And I'd do it again, mind you! A thousand times! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)**_

From the stairs, some guys from the last year were recording everything with a digital recorder.

"God, this was better than expected!" laughed one of the boys.

"Yeah, me too! I can wait to upload it to youtube!" laughed another one.

"You bastards! I'm going to…!" threatened Shepherd while he was trying to stand up. However, he fell again, making everybody to laugh even harder.

In the way back to the Griffin house, Matt and Meg are talking about what happened at the school.

"Can you believe it?" asked Meg. "It was just like your dream!"

_**(Material: No, my dream involved a naked Mila Kunis and several gallons of Canola Oil.)**_

_**(Matthew Ryder: When I kill her, you're next.)**_

_**(Bhaal: Get out of here! Shoo Shoo! Filthy creature!)**_

"Well, not exactly" replied Matt. "The part with Principal Shepherd wasn't in the dream. And it was the funniest part!"

"Yeah, sure it was" laughed Meg. "But aren't you a bit…scared?"

"Scared?"

"Yeah, imagine that what you dreamed after that comes true again" said Meg. "It would be horrible"

"Meg, are you sure that that tea you gave me it wasn't magical or have some side effects?" asked Matt

"No!" replied Meg. "Daphne guaranteed me that it only has side effects on witches or wizards, not on regular people!"

_**(Material: She said Mages you bitch!)**_

"Okay, I'll believe you…" said Matt.

"Let's calm down" said Meg. "I'm pretty sure that it was only a weird coincidence. You said that Principal Shepherd didn't appear in your dream, don' you? Then it will be probably nothing"

"I hope you're right" said Matt, as he parked the motorbike near the family station wagon. The Kennedys entered in the house, only to be greeted by an angry Lois who was arguing with Peter.

"Why you always have to be so damn impulsive!?" yelled Lois.

"Do you want to know why!?" replied Peter. "Because I want some more incentive in my life, that's it!"

"Incentive in your life? What the hell has that to do with what you've done?" said Lois.

_**(Bhaal: I don't know, but I'm gonna go and eat a stick of butter.)**_

"Mom, dad! Calm down!" said Meg.

"What's going on?" asked Matt.

_**(Material: Picture a retarded Mammoth in a Nine Inch Nails T-shirt...pretty much that.)**_

"Peter squandered almost all our savings in a multi-property chalet on Colorado" said Chris nonchalantly. "You know, it has been really long since the last time Peter dilapidated our money in some stupid scheme"

_**(Material: Okay, I was close.)**_

"So, we have a house in Colorado?" asked Stewie. "Sweet, I always wanted to have a house there! It would be fun to ski on Christmas break"

"I don't like the idea" said Rosie. "I can't take Flare to such a cold place"

Flare then cawed.

"I know it" replied Rosie

"Well, nobody cares about your stupid bird" said Stewie, then he turned to Peter. "Say, Fatman, how many days we have that house?"

"The first week of July" said Peter.

"ON JULY!?" asked Stewie in shock. "You damn fat bastard! You know, I decided not to kill you after this, but I make my mind, and I will!" shouted Stewie before running out of the room.

Meg took Matt upstairs, leaving Peter and Lois arguing.

"Do you still think it is a coincidence?" Asked Matt

"Okay, maybe it isn't" said Meg. "But it can't be the tea! Daphne told me it was completely safe!"

Suddenly, a green light filled the hallway, and Daphne appeared in front of them.

"Meg, I have some news regarding the tea" said Daphne, a bit worried.

"What is it?" asked Meg.

_**(Bhaal: It causes sterility in Anti Sues.)**_

"Remember that I told you that the tea only helped to sleep in normal humans?" asked Daphne. "Well, I forgot that you are not a 'normal human' at all"

"What do you mean?" asked Meg.

_**(Material: She means you're a crazy slut!)**_

"Like you should know by know, every time you cast a spell, you absorb some of the magic energy unleashed on it. Well, that technically makes your body vulnerable to some effects that only affect mages. In mages or witches, the Tea of Dreams makes people to dream with future events" explained Daphne.

"But was Matt who drank the tea, not me!" said Meg.

"Well, you may transfer him some of your magic energy accumulated in your body" said Daphne. "Well, that's all you need to know. However, if you dream something bad, remember that you can prevent it. Fate is not unchangeable. Well, goodbye!" said Daphne, before disappearing in another flash of green light.

"Okay, we must stop Brian from going to Jillian's apartment" said Meg.

_**(Bhaal: Okay, but can we get Mcdonalds first?)**_

"Big time" said Matt, as both rushed downstairs to the living room. There was Peter who was watching TV.

"Dad! Where's Brian?" asked Meg.

"He went to his stupid but awfully hot girlfriend's house " said Peter. "Why do you ask?"

"Peter, if we don't do something, Brian and Jillian WILL DIE!" shouted Matt.

_**(Bhaal: Seriously, I want Mcdonalds.)**_

"OH MY GOD!" shouted Peter. "Until now I've never realized that my left hand is a bit smaller than my right hand. Sorry, I wasn't listening, what did you say?"

Both Meg and Matt rolled their eyes and sighed in annoyance.

Meanwhile, at Jillian's apartment, Brian and Jillian are sat on a couch, hugging each other, watching an horror film.

"You really got a wonderful idea now that this night Nathalie has to work" said Jillian. "You and me, alone, spending a night together…"

_**(Material: After just watching sexy teenagers get murdered horribly.)**_

"Yes, I'm enjoying it too" said Brian. "And for make sure that nobody will interrupt us, I've switched off my cell phone"

"Brian, have you thought about…you know…live together?" asked Jillian.

"Yes, but…I don't think that I'm prepared" said Brian. "Is not you, it's just…that I don't feel like leaving the Griffins"

"I know that feeling" said Jillian. "I also felt the same when I left my parent's house. But don't worry, this time I won't pressure you. We will live together when you're prepared, I don't mind how much I have to wait"

"I'm glad to hear it" said Brian. "Well, let's watch the movie"

_**(Bhaal: The bad guy dies! There, I ruined the movie for you.)**_

"Oh my god! The assassin is going to get her! Get out of the house!" shouted Jillian to the screen.

"Jillian, she can't hear you" said Brian.

"GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!" shouted Jillian even louder. "Oh, she must be deaf, she didn't heard me and now the assassin got her!"

"Jillian, it's a movie, it isnt'-"

"Brian, this movie is too scary" said Jillian. "Why don't we go to bed and we do…you know…" said Jillian as he stroked Brian's chest with her finger.

"Make love?" asked Brian.

"Actually, I was thinking in play a pillow fight, but that sounds even better!" said Jillian. "Come on"

_**(Material: Isn't that illegal in some countries?)**_

_**(Bhaal: Yeah, I think this one's on that list.)**_

"You go first" said Brian. "I think I need to smoke" said Brian.

_**(Bhaal: Yeah, he's not sure, he has to be certain before he does.)**_

Meanwhile, Peter, Matt and Meg are in the family station wagon, speeding down the streets of Quahog, trying to arrive at Jillian's place as fast as possible.

"Damn! Brian has his cell turned off!" said Matt, who was trying to contact with the dog.

"Dad, do you know where does Jillian live?" asked Meg.

"Brian gave me her address. I don't know exactly where it is, but our GPS will do" said Peter.

"_Turn to the right in the next traffic circle" _said the suave female voice of the GPS. _"In Soviet Russia, traffic circles turn you" _Said the GPS in a deep male voice with strong Russian accent.

_**(Material: Those are some pretty advanced traffic circles. Russians have EVERYTHING!)**_

Peter then pulled out the GPS and threw it away.

"I'll ask a traffic policeman" said Peter.

_**(Bhaal: I think they were all layed off when GPS was invented.)**_

Back at Jillian's house, Brian and Jillian are making love passionately, when Brian suddenly stops.

"Oogy, why did you stop?" asked Jillian.

"I smelled something…" said Brian "Like something that it's burning…Jillian, did you left something on the grill?"

_**(Material: OH MY GOD! THE PORK CHOPS!)**_

"No…" said Jillian. "But now that you say it…yes, it's like something is burning…"

"I'll se what it is" said Brian as he went to see what it was. But when he opened the door, he saw that Jillian's apartment was on fire. "OH MY GOD!"

Back at Peter, Meg, and Matt, they finally arrived at Jillian's apartment block, even without with the GPS.

"Okay, this is the building. However, we don't know where Jillian lives" said Meg.

"Whoa, look at that!" said Peter pointed to a window of the building. "Those are good lamps!"

"Peter, what the hell are you talking about…?" asked Matt. Then he looked where Peter was pointing, to see that there was an apartment on fire. "That apartment is on fire!"

"That must be Jillian's, then" said Meg. "What are we going to do?"

_**(Bhaal: We're going to sit here and suck our thumbs like the pathetic bastards we are.)**_

"I'll tell you" said Matt. "You stay here and call the fire-fighters. Peter and I will try to enter and help Brian and Jillian to get out"

_**(Material: Or we could do that.)**_

"Are you sure?" asked Meg, visibly worried. "It's like there's an inferno up there!"

"Don't worry, I will be back" said Matt. "Come on Peter!"

Peter and Matt rushed through the stairs until they reached Jillian's door.

"Crap, it's locked!" said Matt, who was trying to open the door. "Brian! Jillian! Can you hear me?"

However, nobody replied.

"Well, it seems that they're not there" said Peter. "We will come back tomorrow…"

_**(Bhaal: Yeah, they don't want to buy our girl guide cookies.)**_

"Peter, maybe they fell unconscious due to the smoke!" said Matt.

"ohhhhh, yes, it makes sense" said Peter. "But what are we going to do?"

"We need to think a way to open this door, and we need to think it FAST" urged Matt.

"Maybe I can help you" said a female voice. Peter and Matt turned back and they saw Rosie.

"Rosie? What are you doing here?" asked Matt. "And how did you get here so fast?"

_**(Material: Teleportation!)**_

"I came here because I have a hunch that you may need my abilities. And answering the second question, I came here flying" said Rosie.

_**(Material: Okay, inferno flight.)**_

"Don't lie, you can't fly" said Matt.

"No, but he can" said Rosie, pointing to Flare, who was near her.

"Rosie, you must get out of here NOW!" said Matt. "This place is dangerous!"

"I know, but I can be helpful too" said Rosie. Her eyes began to glow, and the door of the apartment opened with a click.

_**(Bhaal: Smartass bitch.)**_

"Okay, that was good, but you shouldn't came here…" said Matt.

Matt and Peter were about to enter in the hell that Jillian's apartment has become, but they couldn't. The fire was to intense.

"Crap, we can't pass!" said Peter.

"Peter, look for a fire extinguisher!" said Matt.

"Sorry, but there aren't any fire extinguishers in any house of Quahog. Mayor West wanted all because he said that they were going to be used against crime…"

**Cutaway**

Mayor West is on a homemade Bat Mobile, with several fire extinguishers as propelling.

"Okay, now, time to fight crime!" said West as the 1960 Batman music theme plays in the background. However, when he starts the car, one of the front wheels fell off from the car, and the Bat Mobile began to spin around in circles.

**End Cutaway**

"Maybe I still can be helpful" said Rosie. "Flare!"

The phoenix entered in the house, opened his wings, and stood in mid-air like if some invisible force was holding him, and began to absorb the fire. He couldn't absorb too much fire; however, it was enough to let Peter and Matt to get inside and bring Brian and Jillian out.

_**(Material: Yes, a pheonix interprets it's name as "Go suck out all the fire in that apartment so my father and grandfather can pass through and save my friends from a horrible burning death!)**_

_**(Bhaal: Yeah, so if you're trying to call it over, he just get's confused.)**_

"Do you still think that I shouldn't come here?" asked Rosie proudly.

"Yes…" muttered Matt.

The next day, everybody (including Jillian and Nathalie) are in the Griffin house talking about the incident of the last night. Matt decided not to tell Meg that Rosie was with them.

"You can stay here while your apartment is rebuilt" said Brian. "Since I was who unwittingly started the fire with my cigarette…"

"Well, where are we going to sleep?" asked Nathalie.

"You can sleep in these sleeping bags" said Lois. "I'd wish that we could offer you something better, but this is all that we have"

"Don't worry, Mrs. Griffin, it will be fine" said Nathalie. "Hey, Meg, I have an idea, how about a slumber party tonight?"

_**(Bhaal: Oh this is awesome!)**_

"Sounds great!" said Meg.

"Can I join in?" asked Jillian.

"I can't see why not" said Meg.

_**(Material: It get's better by the minute!)**_

"How about me?" asked Stewie.

_**(Bhaal: And now it's been killed.)**_

"Why I'm not surprised to hear that?" asked Brian.

"Well, I hope you have fun" said Matt. "I'll take this opportunity to sleep some more. I hope that the effects of the Tea of Dreams have faded already, I don't like the idea of playing Medium"

However, Matt will be playing Medium for some more time. Because, while Meg was having her slumber party with Nathalie, Jillian, and her other friends, he was dreaming with the future once more. He saw Jillian and Brian talking in the living room.

"_Jillian, did you want to talk with me?" asked Brian._

"_Yes, oogy. I don't know how to tell you this, but…"_

When Matt heard what Jillian just said, he suddenly woke up.

"Oh my god…!" shouted Matt.

_**(Material: Yeah, I was surrise by the cliffhanger ending too...until i looked at the whole PART ONE thing.)**_

**End Episode**

**Responses to reviews:**

_**FreezeXtreme: **_Okay, we will.

_**Ander Arias: **_Hey finally! We made something that you actually like! Get out the wine Bhaal, we party tonight!

_**Camodian08: **_You're weird!


	3. Laugh

**Episode Three:**** Meg Apparition: Laugh**

They had gone down to the mall food court for lunch, neither of them had been really hungry so they ended up splitting a cheeseburger and a strawberry banana smoothie.

_**(Bhaal: How do you split a cheeseburger? Kinda gross if you ask me.)**_

_**(Material: This coming from someone who tongue kissed his girlfriend in the middle of the hallway?)**_

_**(Bhaal: Shut the fuck up.)**_

Meg started by filling him in on everything he'd missed, some key details about most recent events left unsaid, from the strange adventures her father got them all involved in on a weekly basis to the birth of his little sister to what had happened that caused her to be sent to the hospital.

_**(Material: That seems like a lot to go through if you ask me. How long were they sitting there?)**_

It felt good to be able to open up to someone, to _really_ open up to them, and Kevin actually listened to her instead of just saying that 'it was all right' and that he 'understood' like anyone who didn't just blow her off or physically harm her did, and people wondered why she had so many mental issues going on… Well, actually, they didn't really care about her stability, mental or otherwise.

_**(Bhaal: This is the brain! Our stabalizers our out! MAYDAY MAYDAY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!)**_

It had taken at least an hour for her to get everything out, she lost track of time quite easily, she was actually surprised when Kevin responded to what she said, he didn't search for the nearest escape route or hurt himself to get away or just simply blow her off, he _listened_… And she had never felt so much weight be lifted off of her shoulders at once, it made her feel so _wonderful_.

_**(Material: You know what else is wonderful? Making comments to descriptive chapters.)**_

_**(Bhaal: This is piss easy, I can't believe we get paid for this.)**_

When she finally had him brought up to speed on all the craziness of Quahog, and when she had finally lost all the steam she had built up in letting her frustrations out, she sat him down and asked him what he'd done while he was away at the boarding school.

_**(Bhaal: Liana should really mark this sotry as AU now that we know that Kevin was in Iraq and died there.)**_

"Wasn't really all that great," He said, taking a sip from the smoothie and passing it back to her. "Although we did get some really weird people coming through."

They both paused, the straw to the smoothie hovering mere inches away from Meg's lips, and waited for a minute before Meg took a sip of the smoothie.

"Maybe it needs more prompt." Kevin murmured, more to himself in contemplation than anything.

_**(Material: Let me try! [Inhales])**_

_**(Bhaal: No way! If I couldn't do it, you can't!)**_

"That many weird people?" Meg asked, sliding the smoothie over to his side of the table.

"Yup." Kevin nodded before thinking. "Like that one girl with that really high-tech watch."

**Flashback**

Kevin is in a red blazer with his boarding school emblem on it sitting on a bench outside of his school, birds are chirping in the background as they warn other birds to stay away from their territory, when a flash of light startles him.

He looks up to see a girl, most likely eighteen, wearing a short-sleeved dark red shirt, torn up jean-shorts, which had most likely started life as a pair of full-length pants, and has shoulder length brown hair tied back in a ponytail, she is also wearing a watch on her right wrist.

She looks behind herself as if expecting someone to follow her before turning to her watch, flicking her wrist and causing a holographic display to project out of it.

The display whizzes around for a few seconds before she extends her free hand and a sci-fi looking gun appears in it, she cocks the gun, it making a distinctive whirring noise as she did so, before turning around, a determined look on her face, and jumping back into the air only to disappear.

_**(Bhaal: That's what happens to my computer whenever I try to start up FireFox.)**_

Kevin stares at the place where she stood for a minute before slowly going back to his book.

(Explanation will be given…)

**End flashback**

Meg caught the smoothie as he slid it back over to her and took a sip, sloshing it around in her mouth for a bit as she tried to think of what to say to what he'd just cut-scened her.

She slid the smoothie back across the table before swallowing the tiny bit she had in her mouth. "Sounds like you had some really weird things happening."

"You don't even know the half of it." Kevin leaned back, taking a sip of the smoothie.

**Flashback**

Kevin is standing in a dark library, it only being lit by the candles some very scared students are holding, a rifle in his arms and his blazer torn up close to being beyond recognition, revealing a sleeveless black shirt underneath, he is carefully watching the boarded windows and doors.

"I don't like this man," A male student with short blonde hair and a small goatee says from next to him, he is holding a cricket bat which he nervously twirls around as he skittishly looks around. "Doesn't feel right."

_**(Material: Yeah, why do you get a shotgun and all I have is this crappy wiffle ball bat?)**_

"Don't lose your head," Kevin says to him, listening carefully for any signs that their defenses might be breaking. "We need to stay strong for the others."

_**(Material: I should at least have a sword. C'mon, this fic is all about fourth wall breaking!)**_

_**(Bhaal: I am not giving you Matt's sword.)**_

"I'll try man, but I just keep feeling like something bad is going to happen," The student says, his knuckles white as he grips the bat for dear life.

Kevin opens his mouth to say something else in an effort to reassure him when the wood boarding up one of the windows starts to break.

Kevin immediately springs into action, pulling out a walkie talkie and handing it to a nearby student that was also acting as a guard.

"Get everyone as far away from here as you can, try and reach the main building, get to the roof, we'll hold them off." He nods to the student. "Good luck. And the safety word for when it's all clear is…" He leans down and whispers something unheard in the student's ear.

The student hesitates for only a moment before beginning to herd the rest of the students away towards the main building, they'd been trying to avoid going there for fear of what would happen but now saw no other choice, they couldn't stay in the library any longer.

_**(Material: Yeah, evil monsters have a thirst for knowledge.)**_

As soon as he was sure that the students were heading farther in and there were none lagging behind, Kevin turns back to the steadily increasing break in the window, there are only ten guards left and only he has a gun.

He checks his pockets, only fifteen bullets left, barely enough to last them ten minutes until they were completely overtaken, he'd have to make sure he dragged it on as long as possible, give the other students as much of a chance as they could get.

Taking a locket out of his shirt he opens it to look at a photo of his father and mother, a tear slides down his cheek at the thought of undoubtedly never being able to see them again before he lets the locket fall back down onto his chest.

The wood finally breaks and Kevin pumps his rifle, anger and determination rolling off of him in waves as he braces himself for the fight of his life.

And then the carebears attacked.

_**(Bhaal: And that was the second time I died.)**_

_**(Material: Wait a second. All that tension and it was the freakin carebears? I thought you had a T Rating for a reason, Liana.)**_

**End flashback.**

"Huh, didn't take much prompt that time." Kevin said, glancing around as he slid the smoothie back to Meg.

"It varies." She said, catching the smoothie in her right hand while making an iffy motion with her left. "And that did _not_ happen," Meg added as she took a sip.

"It really did, that's the freaky part." Kevin said, his eyes wide.

Meg paused for a moment, considering this to the taste of food court smoothie.

"You're right." She conceded. "I forgot how demented our author is."

There was a long silence as Meg passed the smoothie back over to Kevin. About five seconds in a faint sound can be heard, it gradually gets louder and Meg and Kevin look around trying to find the source before a girl with shortcut blonde hair wearing a short-sleeved blue sweater and khaki capris came up to their table, panting like mad.

"Oh… Sorry I'm… Late." She panted, resting her hands on her knees. "I got caught up in a planning session with Michelle."

_**(Bhaal: Oh look, Elle Woods is soming to visit.)**_

_**(Material: Where did Liana get the permission to use Reese Witherspoon's likeness for her fic?)**_

"Which one's Michelle?" Kevin asked Meg, carefully watching their authoress as she regained her breath.

"I think she's one of the fantasy stories main characters," Meg said.

"She's…" She took a gasp of air. "She's the main character in Spellbound."

"Ah…" Meg and Kevin said at the same time, pointing at each other lightly in realization.

The authoress sat down at the table. "So what was I here for anyway?"

_**(Bhaal: Oh it's Liana.)**_

"I think it was a joke about how Meg called you demented," Kevin said, finally taking a sip of the smoothie and passing it back to Meg.

The authoress paused for a moment, her eyebrows furrowing as she thought about it.

"I don't even remember where we were going with it anymore." She slumped down in her seat, her face turning a gradual shade of red.

"What?" Meg asked, her eyebrows shooting upwards as disbelief ran through her like the blood in her veins. "You're the authoress, you're supposed to know the jokes we're going to do and the pacing of the story and all that."

_**(Material: Yeah Liana! Talk about unprepared.)**_

"Hey," She said, giving Meg a dark look. "I've got so much shit keeping me busy in the real world I'm lucky I remember my own _name_."

_**(Bhaal: You're name is Liana. There, I'm being helpful.)**_

Meg slunk back into her chair slightly before the authoress sighed.

"Sorry, I'm just frustrated, some stupid snowstorm made me miss my skating lesson today and I'm taking it out on you." She let out a frustrated groan, pinching the bridge of her nose.

_**(Material: Just calm down! Take a plaseebo and mellow out!)**_

Kevin and Meg glanced at each other.

"Maybe you should leave before you reveal too much personal information." Meg said gently, laying a hand on the authoress' shoulder.

_**(Bhaal: Yeah, get outta here!)**_

The authoress sighed before nodding.

"Sorry I wasted your guys' time." She said, addressing both the two people at the table and the people reading the story. "And I'll see you again somewhere around chapter twenty." She said before walking off.

They waited until she was out of earshot before Kevin turned to Meg. "_Why_, exactly do we let the fourteen-year-old boss us around?"

"She controls our very existence in this fanfic and if we disobey her we may end up in a place worse than death…" Meg, ignoring the voice in the back of her mind once again reminding her that she was already as close to dead as a human could be before she took a sip of the smoothie and passed it back to Kevin. "I mean, I love the happy lives for me in other fanfics but being a teenaged mother living in my parents' house with my soulmate and our daughter gets monotonous after a while"

_**(Material: Ooh, she got you there guys.)**_

"Isn't Bhaalspawn giving you another kid?" Kevin asked, holding onto the now mostly empty smoothie cup.

"Well, yeah, that should be an interesting plot point, but speaking of Bhaalspawn, do you remember the happy dance Liana-Wolfe did when she found out he reviewed?" Meg chuckled at the memory.

**Flashback**

"I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, so I'll wag my butt, Da da da da."

(Is there anyone who _doesn't_ know this dance?)

**End flashback**

_**(Bhaal: For those of you keeping score at home, it's me 1, Ander and Malcolm zip.)**_

"That was actually kind of creepy." _**(Bhaal: You're tellin' me.) **_Kevin said, his nose scrunching at the memory as he sipped the smoothie and passed it to Meg.

"Well…" Whatever Meg was going to say was cut off by an apple whizzing over and hitting her in the head.

Rubbing the back of her head, apples hurt more than you would think they would, Meg looked at the apple, seeing a message carved into the red apple that stood out as plain as day.

'Back on track… Or else. – Liana-Wolfe'

_**(Material: Anyone even know where the track is?)**_

_**(Bhaal: I see it, it's over there next to the pile of broken glass and wood that used to be a fourth wall.)**_

Clearing her throat, and gulping down the last of the smoothie, Meg handed the apple to Kevin so that he could read it before she started speaking.

"So… What else did you do while you were at boarding school?"

_**(Bhaal: I just told you, I fought off evil mutant carebears. Just like the time I-)**_

_**(Material: Nope.)**_

_**(Bhaal: But c'mon, it'll be-)**_

_**(Material: Nuh-uh.)**_

**End Episode**

**To Reviewers:**

**Ander Arias: **As you can tell, we got Meg Apparition.

**FreezeXtreme: **We've actually tried using WI2 cahpters 4 times and we can't make funny comments to it. Maybe we'll try the Eye For Time chapters.


	4. Eye For Time

**Episode Four:**** WI2: Eye For Time**

"MEG! JAINA! THE REST OF YOU! GET DOWN HERE!" Matt called from downstairs. The family came down, with a puzzled look on their faces.

"What is it daddy?" Jaina asked, flapping her wings a bit.

_**(Bhaal: I want to come out of the closet.)**_

"I've learned a new spell," Matt said, "It's called the Time Eye."

_**(Material: It must be weird, making a satire of your story.)**_

_**(Bhaal: Well my story is already a satire of Mary Sues, Prententious Fanfics, and Bastards.)**_

"Well, what does it do?" Meg asked.

"It let's us look into the future and see a possible outcome of our lives," Matt said, "Does anyone want to see it?"

"Hell yeah!" Peter exclaimed.

"Sure," Lois said.

"Ooh, this could be fun," Stewie said.

"Alright then, give me a second," Matt said, as a white energy began to build in his palms. After about ten seconds, Matt threw his right hand forward, and a blue sphere appeared in the center of the room. Everyone took a seat in the couch or a chair, as a voice came from the sphere.

"Please specify time of future," the voice said.

_**(Material: I want to see if monkeys have supernatural powers in the year 5677!)**_

Matt murmered to the rest of the family, and decided, "2024."

_**(Material: Oh! My idea was so much more fun!)**_

The sphere spun in circles, then cleared as the family watched.

**llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll **

**llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll **

**July 17th, 2024 **

Stewie, age 17, sat on his bed. He had grown a lot in the past sixteen years. The biggest change in him was the fact that he had grown hair. It was medium length, and untidy, like his brother-in law. He still shared a room with Jaina, who had also grown a lot. Looking over at his neice, he couldn't help but smile. Jaina still had waist length, silver hair. She still dressed in mostly white clothing, and her wings had grown to a ten foot span. Jaina and Stewie were inseperable, and most people were surprised when they told them they were uncle and neice. They didn't tell many people, as not many people asked.

"Jai, can you hand me that screwdriver on your nightstand?" he asked.

"Stop calling me Jai," she said, handing him the tool.

As Stewie reached out to take it, Jaina pulled it back. She did this several times before Stewie grabbed her small hand and took it from her. Jaina blushed a little, like she did whenever Stewie touched her skin.

_**(Bhaal: Oh Jaina, we love you you sick little weirdo.)**_

Stewie, ignoring this, went back to tinkering with an old Playstation 3. He liked to tinker with very old machines, and found that it was a good way to kill time.

Jaina, on the other hand, was more of a 'here and now' person. She preffered to take apart newer objects and try and put them back together. She was about to pull out her notepad, when both of them heard someone downstairs.

"JAINA! STEWIE! IT'S TIME FOR DINNER!" called her mother.

_**(Material: We're having steamed Goat brains!)**_

They set their things down, and got off their beds. They headed downstairs and sat down at the table. Meg set their plates down in front of them and they dug in. Life was the same as it had been sixteen years ago, and they both figured it was not likely to change. Oh how wrong they were.

**lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll **

Stewie came home from school one day, with a very puzzled look on his face. He walked into the kitchen, and found just the person he wanted to talk to. Jaina had been home from school that day, she hadn't been feeling well.

"Jaina," he said nervously.

"Yeah?" asked Jaina, looking into the distance with a somber expression on her face.

"I think I might be gay," Stewie said.

_**(Bhaal: What was your first clue?)**_

"What did you do Uncle Stewie?" Jaina asked, not changing her expression.

"Nothing," Stewie said, "I'm just starting to put the pieces together."

"Which piece did you put where Uncle Stewie?" Jaina asked, turning to look at him.

_**(Material: Ooh! Burn!)**_

"No piece nowhere, I just...I don't know," Stewie said, looking down at his feet.

"Well, there's only one way to find out," Jaina said, lifting Stewie's face to look at her.

"..." Stewie wasn't sure where she was going with this, "What?"

"Tell me something Stewie," Jaina asked, "Have you ever kissed a girl before?"

"No not really," Stewie said.

_**(Bhaal: Wanna?)**_

"Have you ever kissed a guy before?" Jaina asked.

"I kissed Brian when we were spying on Meg and Mayor West," Stewie said.

"...Not even going to ask," Jaina said, "But, we just have to figure out what gender you prefer kissing."

"How are we going to do that?" Stewie asked.

Jaina thought for a moment. Stewie was not very popular with girls, so there was no way any girl at school would kiss him, but she did know one who would...

"Jaina?" Stewie asked, "Are you there?"

Jaina turned back to him, then leaned in and pressed her lips to his.

_**(Material: Dude! Hot incest action right here!)**_

Stewie's eyes went wide in both shock and horror. First of all, he was having his first actual kiss with his neice! Second of all, he had pictured this a few times in his mind before. Thirdly...oh wait, there is no thirdly is there?

_**(Material: The fantasy of every single brother with a hot sister...am I right?)**_

_**(Bhaal: Oh shut up and stop taunting me.)**_

He was unsure of what to do, but as Jaina continued to kiss him, he began to lose himself. His eyes slowly closed, and he wrapped his arms around her waist. Jaina, also realizing that this was nice, unfolded her wings and curled them around her uncle. However, their rationality soon returned to them, and they broke apart. Jaina turned away from him, blushing furiously. Stewie was making a number of strange facial twitches.

_**(Material: Oh god, he's going into an epileptic shock!)**_

"Um...well, I'll just go now," he said, leaving the room.

He hadn't gotten ten feet from the kitchen before bumping into a dark figure. He was wearing heavy set robes, and had shoulder length, jet black hair.

"Oh, hey Stewie," Matt said, "Are you alright, you're flushed and seem nervous?"

_**(Bhaal: Yeah, I've just been making out with your daughter.)**_

"No...no I'm fine," Stewie said quickly, before running to his room.

"Weird," Matt said, heading into the kitchen, where Jaina was having a silent panic attack, "Jaina? What's wrong?"

Upon hearing her father's voice behind her, Jaina instantly regained her composure, "Nothing dad, I'm alright."

_**(Material: Yeah, I've just been making out with my Uncle whose more like my brother.)**_

"Are you sure?" Matt asked, "You're acting weirder than your Uncle Chris did when he tried to gain super powers."

**Flashback**

Chris was sitting in his room, with a vial of blood in his hand.

"Once I drink this, I'll gain powers, like Matt and Jaina," he said.

As he was about to drink it, he heard Meg's voice downstairs.

"Jaina! What did I tell you about trying to test your own blood?" she said.

"I didn't!" Jaina said.

"Then why are you bleeding?" Meg asked.

"I'm not blee...AHHH SOMEONE CUT ME!" Jaina screamed.

Chris threw the vial out the window, and quickly turned on his TV.

**End Flashback**

"I'm fine dad," she said, "I just need to sort some things out."

_**(Bhaal: Daddy? How do you spell Hara-Kiri?)**_

"Alright, sweetie," Matt said. He could easily find out what was wrong by scanning her mind, but he had more respect for her than that.

**lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll **

Stewie was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Only a few hours ago, he had thought he was gay. After kissing Jaina, he knew he wasn't gay, but he also had no idea what, exactly, was running through his mind. He had always thought Jaina was pretty, but he had never thought about her in any form more than a friend. He rarely noticed the fact that she was his neice, they were far to close in age for that to have any relevance, but he always thought of her as his best friend...his only friend. He had never had romantic or sexual thoughts about her before, and now he was getting confused.

_**(Material: You know, getting off topic, I'd have to say that this is one of your better chapters. Instead of telling us what the characters are thinking, you're wording it as if he's thinking to himself, and that's pretty immersive.)**_

_**(Bhaal: .......Let's just stick with the humor.)**_

Was he attracted to her? That was a question he had asked himself many times before, but never got an answer. There were times when she would hug him, or playfully wrap an arm around his shoulders, that he wished she wouldn't let go. And they had even shared a crib/bed until they were ten. A few times, they would wake up cuddling. When they were babies, he was the only one who could calm her down when she had a nightmare, and the only one besides her father that could help her control her destructive powers when she was angry. These thoughts were interrupted when he heard a knock on the door.

"Hello?" Matt said, walking into the room, "Stewie?"

"Yes?" he said, sitting up.

"I just wanted to see if you were okay," Matt said, "You've been in here for hours."

"Oh, it's nothing Matt," Stewie said, "Just trying to sort some things out."

"Okay," Matt said, "But this is getting weirder than the time I got kicked out of the Playboy Mansion."

**Cutaway**

Two guards were throwing an alive Matt out the front door of the Playboy Mansion.

"Don't come back until you can stop looking the Bunnies in the eye when they talk to you!" one yelled.

_**(Bhaal: I got kicked out of there for the same reason.)**_

**End Cutaway**

"Matt," Stewie began, "What do you do if you fall in love with someone that you shouldn't?"

"Why?" Matt asked, "Are you having this problem?"

"Uh..." Stewie decided that a little honesty wouldn't hurt, Matt had always been helpful with anything, "Yes, and I'm not sure what to do."

_**(Bhaal: This reminds me of the time when-)**_

_**(Material: What did we agree on?)**_

_**(Bhaal: C'mon! This is MY story!)**_

_**(Material: Behave or I'll send you to the time out corner!)**_

_**(Bhaal: You can't best my imaginary bear! GO GRIZZLEBUM!)**_

_**(Material: ....Okay.)**_

At this statement, Matt knew exactly what to say.

"Well, you could ask her out," Matt said, "Who knows, she might say yes...this is a girl right?"

"Yes," Stewie said, "But if she doesn't like me that way, it could seriously ruin our friendship."

_**(Material: Attention, this is the brain! Do not go for it! Repeat! Do not go for it!)**_

"That could happen," Matt said, "Or you could get everything you ever wanted since you were a year old."

_**(Bhaal: Screw it! We're goin' for it! Fuck you brain!)**_

At this statement, Stewie turned a shocked and scared eye to his brother-in law.

"What did you say?" he asked.

Matt just smiled, and put a hand on his shoulder, "Trust me, if you never try, you could waste your life wondering what could have happened."

"Uh..." Stewie was unsure of what to say.

_**(Material: Who is this?)**_

_**(Bhaal: This is the testicles! Out!)**_

"You know," Matt said, "I haven't taken Meg out in a while, maybe I'll do that tonight. Can I trust you and Jaina not to destroy the house while we're gone?"

"Um...yeah, sure," Stewie said.

Matt got up, and left Stewie's room. Stewie laid back down on his bed, trying to make sense of what Matt had said. Was he encouraging him to ask Jaina out? Or was the wording of his statement merely a coincidence?

**llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll **

Stewie came out of his room some time later, to find that everyone had left, and Jaina was sitting on the couch.

"Well," he said to himself, "It's now or never."

He took a seat next to her, and Jaina looked away from him. This was a very awkward moment, but Stewie had to get through it. He turned to her, and turned her face to look at him.

"Um...listen...Jaina," Stewie said, "I wanted to talk to you about that kiss."

_**(Bhaal: You wanna do it some more?)**_

"What about it," she asked, trying to turn away, but Stewie's hand on her sheek prevented her from doing so.

"Well, it got me thinking and..." Stewie wasn't sure of what to say, "Hey, shot in the dark, you wanna do something?"

Jaina gave him a surprised look, "Are you asking me out? Were related!"

_**(Material: All the more erotic.)**_

"Yeah, but, well, I don't know," he said, trying to explain himself, "Does that really matter?"

"Yes!" she said, "It's incest! You're my uncle!"

_**(Bhaal: This is the testicles! It's getting too tough out here, we're pulling back!)**_

"Yeah, but were so close in age that it doesn't really have much merit," Stewie said, "And...this is a little embarrasing...but I really like you."

Jaina was getting a little scared, "Is that what you've been thinking about in your room this whole time?"

_**(Material: No, I was masturbating and thinking of you.)**_

"Yes, and after talking to a friend, I figured I should go for it," he said.

"Who would give you that kind of advice?" Jaina said.

"Matt," Stewie said.

"..." Jaina was speechless, "My father encouraged you to ask me out?"

_**(Bhaal: That disturbs me.)**_

"Well, not you persay," Stewie said, "But I told him I had an affection for a girl, and was unsure of what to do about it, and he said 'go for it.'"

"I don't know," Jaina said. She had always felt a little affection for Stewie, but it never went that far.

Stewie leaned in and kissed her. Jaina was caught off guard, but she quickly melted into his arms. Stewie ran a hand over one of her wings, feeling the soft feathers that covered it.

**(A/N: Just a question, how may of you actually forget Jaina has wings until they're mentioned?)**

_**(Bhaal: I do...I'm so ashamed.)**_

When he pulled back from her, she was flushed and a little disoriented.

"You know, there's a dance tommorow night," Stewie said, "You want to go with me?"

"..." Jaina was still trying to clear her mind, "Yeah, sure."

_**(Material: Way to score with your hot "sort of" sister dude! You're a proud example to all of us!)**_

_**(Bhaal: Jesus Christ! Seek help!)**_

Stewie mentally cheered, and stood up from the couch. Many thoughts were going through his mind: Love, Guilt, and Bliss were just a few of them. When he got back to his room, he fell onto his bed, a small smile spreading across his lips.

**llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll **

"Say Matt," Lois asked, "You're staring into space again."

Matt, Meg, Lois and Peter had decided to double date...or, Lois and Meg suggested it and Matt and Peter were to whipped to object.

_**(Bhaal: My god. A Valkyrie who outranks the Pope, and he's been pussywhipped.)**_

"Sorry, just thinking about something," Matt said.

"What is it honey?" Meg said.

_**(Material: You know that new bed we got can fit three people?)**_

"Well, Stewie asked me about what he should do about this girl he has a crush on," Matt said, "And I told him he should go for it."

"Oh thank god," Peter said, "I thought Stewie was gay."

"No, he's straight," Matt said, "Or at least Bisexual. Anyway, after talking to him, I realized that he only hangs out with two girls, Jessica and Jaina."

"So you think it might be this Jessica girl?" Lois asked.

"No, Stewie told me that Jessica is gay," Matt said.

"So...are you saying it's Jaina?" Meg asked with a horrified look on her face.

"I'm not sure," Matt said, "At first I thought it was just some pretty girl from school, but he said he was afraid to ask her out because it may ruin their friendship."

"OH MY GOD!" Meg yelled, making everyone in the resturant stare at them in disgust.

_**(Bhaal: You're making a scene.)**_

"What?" Matt said to them, "Stop looking so disgusted, it's not like she's stripped naked in the middle of this place."

Everyone shuddered and turned back to their plates.

_**(Material: Typical reaction.)**_

"Anyway, you shouldn't jump to conclusions Meg," Matt continued, "Besides, Stewie's going to a dance tommorow evening, so we should know who he's going with."

"That's it!" Meg said, "Matt, you still look like a teenager, you could sneak into the dance and find out who it is."

_**(Bhaal: Go with it. She's letting you off the hook.)**_

"I'm not going to do that,"

_**(Bhaal and Material: Ahh man!)**_

Matt said, "That's a violation of his privacy."

"Then go pick him up afterwards," Meg said, "Just find out who this girl is."

"There is no reason that I should do that," Matt said, "Why should I?"

"Well," Meg said, "Once I have found out who she is, I'll shut up about it."

"Deal," Matt said almost instantly.

**lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll **

Stewie and Jaina arrived at the dance the next night. Stewie was wearing a black tuxedo he had borrowed from Matt, and Jaina was wearing a slimming white dress, that was low cut in the back so her wings weren't pinned down uncomfortably. Soon, some music started playing, and Stewie asked Jaina if she would like to dance. Jaina thought for a moment, then agreed. They held each other, and rocked on the spot, just as Jaina's parents had done over eighteen years ago. They slowly rocked back and forth, slowly slipping away from reality.

_**(Material: This romance thing is sickeningly good.)**_

Thankfully, nobody who attended, or worked at, the school knew that they were related. Though one teacher was looking at them suspiciously. She walked over to them, and tapped them on the shoulders.

"Oh, Ms D'Mico," Jaina said, "Is there a problem?"

"Yes," Connie said, _**(Bhaal: Connie couldn't bear to leave High School, so she became a teacher.) **_"Students are to remain an arms length apart."

_**(Material: Stupid rule if you ask me.)**_

"Yeah well...HEY LOOK AN OBVIOUS DISTRACTION!" she yelled, pointing behind the overbearing teacher.

Connie turned behind her, and Jaina sent a blast of energy to her mind. Connie stumbled away, dazed and dizzy.

"Now, where were we?" Jaina said with a smile, slipping back into Stewie's embrace.

Three hours later, Stewie and Jaina were holding hands outside the building. Lois had called Stewie's cell phone saying that someone was going to pick them up, so they should say goodbye to their dates and wait outside. Jaina, ingoring the fact that someone would see them, leaned in and softly kissed him. Stewie, once again, wrapped his arms around her, and they lost each other. Jaina heard a car drive up past them, but she didn't care. There were only four people in the world who could ruin this moment. Then, she heard an all to familiar voice right next to them.

"I can come back later if this is a bad time," Matt said.

_**(Material: Ooh! Busted by the father.)**_

Jaina froze, then tore away from Stewie. She had a look of utmost horror on her face, "Oh my god! Dad!"

"Relax," he said, "I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming."

"I'm in deep trouble am I?" Jaina asked.

"I am not going to do anything," Matt said, "If you two are in love, I have no right to object."

"So, we're not in trouble?" Jaina asked.

_**(Bhaal: Way to go Matt.)**_

"I never said you weren't in trouble," Matt said, "Because when we get home, your mother and grandparents are going to kill you two."

_**(Material: You dick.)**_

"They don't need to know," Stewie pleaded, "Please Matt!"

"I'm sorry, but although I support you, and accept you..." Matt said, "I'm still telling on you. I have to."

Jaina and Stewie groaned. While Matt was the greatest person to talk to about any problem, his ability to parent was annoying.

**lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll **

"YOU WHAT!" Meg yelled at her daughter.

_**(Material: I've been secretly selling myself to siamese midgets.)**_

Matt had agreed not to tell Meg, Lois or Peter, but the deal was they had to tell them themselves.

"We went to the dance together, and we kissed," Jaina repeated.

_**(Bhaal: Close enough.)**_

"And we're dating," Stewie said.

"Matt! Do something!" Meg said.

Matt stepped forward, looked at the incestuous couple, then started clapping.

"That took a lot of guts to tell them guys," Matt said, "I'm proud of you."

"Matt this is serious!" Lois said, "What if they take this too far in the future, and have children? They will be mutated due to inbreeding!"

_**(Material: Are you serious?)**_

"Lois, your granddaughter has Divine powers and wings," Matt said, "You can't get more mutated then that."

"Matt! Take this seriously!" Meg said.

"I am," Matt said, "And I am the only one being mature about this. If they say they are in love, we have no right to object."

"This is morally wrong!" Meg said, "It's illegal."

_**(Bhaal: So's beastiality and you don't see anyone arresting Jillian or Lois or you or anyone else who's had sex with Brian.)**_

"So is marrying someone who's legally dead, Meg," Matt replied, "Look, they're going to do this wether we object or not. Our daughter has found love, even after all the ridicule she goes through about her wings. The least you can do is be happy for her!"

Meg was silent at this. She just couldn't wrap her head around it. Matt walked up to his daugher, and gave her a hug.

"At least I'm happy for you sweetie," Matt said.

_**(Material: Aww, tender family moment.)**_

_**(Bhaal: Then Stewie and Jaina are gonna go upstairs and have a hot n' heavy family moment.)**_

"Thanks dad," Jaina said, tears coming to her eyes.

Matt then turned to Stewie, and gave him a hug too.

"If you make her cry, I will make you cry," Matt said.

"Deal," Stewie said.

"Now, I have only one rule about this," Matt said, "There is to be no ear sex. If you do that, Jaina, I'll have your wings clipped. Stewie, I'll have you clipped."

"Umm...okay," Jaina said. That was a little far down the road for them to be thinking about, but what the hell, just smile and nod, she thought.

"Okay, you two should get to bed," Matt said, "It's geting late."

As Stewie and Jaina headed upstairs, he whispered something in her ear.

"You know, your father isn't like most fathers," Stewie said.

"Yeah, I've noticed," Jaina said, "He's actually pretty cool."

**Present Day... **

The sphere closed, and Matt turned to his family.

_**(Material: He's in so much trouble.)**_

"Well?" Matt said, "That was entertaining."

Everyone else in the family was looking at him with a disgusted eye.

"I can't believe you encouraged them!" Meg said.

_**(Bhaal: What else are you supposed to do when something totally hot crosses your knowledge?)**_

"What?" Matt was confused as to what he did wrong.

"Is that actually going to happen?" Peter asked.

"I doubt it," Matt said, "Every time you look at the future, it changes."

"Why?" Jaina asked.

"Becuase you looked at it," Matt said, "And that changes everything."

"Okay..." Meg said, "Why don't we cheer this up a bit and go see a movie?"

"Hey, how about that Max Payne movie?" Chris suggested.

"No fucking way!" Matt said.

"Why not?" Lois asked.

"I'll tell you why, because Mila Kunis has the most annoying voice in history," Matt said, "It's like someone's running a corkscrew coated in sandpaper thorugh my fucking brain! Nobody in their right mind could find that voice attractive."

_**(Material: Awkward...)**_

Meg stood up and slapped him across the face.

"Ow, what was that for?" he asked.

Meg looked confused, "I don't know, I just feel insulted by that."

"Uh huh," Matt said, "Look, I'll watch the kids, you guys go see your movie."

"Are you sure?" Meg said, "I wouldn't want you encouraging anything."

"Oh hah fucking hah," Matt said, "Just go see your movie."

With that, the Griffins left the house, leaving Matt alone with Jaina and Stewie. At that moment, the two kids jumped on him and started climbing him like a jungle gym.

"Oh boy," he said, "If that actually happens, I'm going to be in big trouble."

_**(Bhaal: Yes, you will be.)**_

_**(Material: I think you'd have a lot of fans if you made an AFF version of this.)**_

_**(Bhaal: Shut up.)**_

**End Episode**

**Respone To Reviews**

**Camodian08: **Why thank you. Thank you very much.

**Liana-Wolfe: **Oh god, more carebear humor.


	5. New Friends

**Episode Five:**** Meg's Boyfriend: New Friends**

_**(Bhaal: Okay, this should be a challenge, all the good jokes have already been made with this fic.)**_

"So.. what do you want to talk about, Jillian?" asked Chris.

"I'm scared!" said Jillian, "I missed my period this morning!"

_**(Material: Quick! Grab some commas to make up for it! And mabye an exclaimation point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)**_

"OH MY GOD!!!" shouted Chris, "You must've felt unusually fresh this morning."

"True, but it also means I could be pregnant," said Jillian. "Chris, I don't want to have a baby! No... that's not true..."

"Really?" asked Chris.

_**(Bhaal: I think I know where this is going.)**_

"Yes. I just don't want to have YOUR baby."

_**(Material: Oh! Burn!)**_

"Oh... well, we'll see Dr. Hartman today and he'll tell you if you're pregnant or not."

Later at the doctor's office, Dr. Hartman is about to announce the test results to Chris and Jillian who came alone.

"Well, the results are in," said Dr. Hartman, "And the results came back..."

Jillian and Chris began sweating as they awaited anxiously.

"...negative!"

_**(Bhaal: Well that's a relief.)**_

Jillian and Chris then got up and cheered.

"YES!!! I'm SO glad we're not having a baby!" said Jillian.

"A baby? Oh no, these are the results of your HIV test," said Dr. Hartman, "Here are the results. Jillian you're pregnant. Congratulations."

_**(Material: This is really a "psyche" moment.)**_

Jillian and Chris then stop cheering and looked at Dr. Hartman with their jaws dropped. Jillian then begins to bawl uncontrollably.

"MY LIFE IS RUINED!" she cried.

_**(Bhaal: No, just less free.)**_

"Yes, I get that alot," said Dr. Hartman.

After leaving the Doctor's office, Chris and Jillian get into her car. Jillian is still very upset about what has happened.

"This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me and it's all YOUR fault!" said Jillian.

"MY fault?!?!" shouted Chris, "How is this my fault?!?!"

"Let's see? It was YOUR idea to have sex and YOU didn't use ANY PROTECTION!!!"

"You weren't complaining when we were doing it! Remember?" shouted Chris, "'Faster Chris! Harder! Oh Chris! OH CHRIS!!!'"

_**(Material: We do NOT need the play by play! So shut up!)**_

"You shut up!" _**(Material: Bite me.) **_said Jillian angrily, "Oh god, what am I gonna tell Zack?"

_**(Bhaal: Do you believe in mercy killing?)**_

"WHAT AM I GONNA TELL MOM AND DAD?!?!?" shouted Chris, "THEY'LL FREAK!!!"

"You know what? We won't tell them anything!" said Jillian, "Because I'm going to get an abortion!"

_**(Material: Hooray for the cowards way out!)**_

"An abortion?" asked Chris, "You should think about what you're doing! This is a living thing you're thinking about getting rid of!"

"No, my mind's made up! I don't want this baby and that's that. It's my body and I can do what I want with it."

They finally make it to the Griffin place and step inside. They see Zack and Meg on the couch watching TV while Madeline was playing with blocks on the floor.

"You guys are back already?" asked Jillian.

_**(Bhaal: No, we're still gone and this is just your imagination.)**_

"So did you guys have a good time at the movies?" said Chris.

"Actually, it was embarassing," said Meg.

**Flashback**

Zack and Meg were at the movies watching something called "Death of a Clown". They're near the ending where the doctor checks the pulse of a clown, but he dies.

"Doctor, is he alright?" asked the nurse.

"No, Nurse Kelly. We have just witnessed, the death... of a clown," he said as he hung his head.

Meg began to cry and wipe the tears from her eyes. Zack had tears in his eyes, too... tears of laughter.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Did you hear that? God, the dialogue is SO corny!" laughed Zack.

"Will you quit laughing?" asked Meg angrily, "This is a drama, not a comedy."

_**(Bhaal: Why can't we have both?)**_

_**(Material: I think that's why we hired you.)**_

"If this is supposed to be a drama then it phails," said Zack, "And that's phail with a 'PH', and not an 'F'. There's a difference."

_**(Bhaal: What's the difference?)**_

"Just shut up and watch the movie," said Meg

Back on the screen...

"Now we will never hear the laughter of children, ever again," said the doctor as he cried.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Never hear the laughter?!?!? Who the hell writes this crap?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Knock it off!" said Meg, "Nobody finds this funny!"

"HAHAHAHAHA!!!" laughed Peter from the back row, "Never hear the laughter of children?!?!? Who the hell wrote this crap! This has to be the corniest dialogue I've ever hear."

"I know!" laughed Zack, "That's what _I_ just said!"

"But that nurse is pretty hot, though!" said Peter, "Just look at the size of those mountains!"

"Yeah, if I wasn't with Meg, I'd so plow that!"

"...You know what? I'll be in the car," sighed Meg as she left her seat.

**End Flashback.**

"You laughed at 'Death of a Clown'?!?!" asked Chris in shock, "How can you laugh at the tragic story of a clown whose life is cut short after a freak clown car accident at the circus goes horribly wrong???"

_**(Material: That's hilarious! I wanna see that movie!)**_

"No one cares!" he said, "Besides, clowns aren't real people anyway, just like strippers and wrestlers."

_**(Bhaal: hey, I've met some pretty nice strippers.)**_

_**(Material: What?)**_

_**(Bhaal: What?)**_

"That's a horrible thing to say!" said Meg, "How could you think that way about clowns?"

"You wouldn't care too much about clowns either if you saw "It"" said Zack.

"What's "It"?" she asked.

"What's "It"?!?! You should know what "It" is!" said Zack, "Everyone should know what "It" is. I shouldn't even have to explain what "It" is! If you don't know what "It" is then you should see "It" right now."

"See what?" asked Chris.

""It"" said Zack.

"No what's "It"" asked Jillian.

"Jillian, you've seen "It"" said Zack.

"What is "It"?" asked Meg.

"I just told you what "It" was!"

"No you just told us to see "It"" said Chris.

"So why aren't you?" asked Zack.

"Because we want to know what "It" is," said Meg.

"I'm not giving away anything!" said Zack, "You have to see "It" to believe it!"

"I AM SO CONFUSED!" shouted Chris, "JUST WHAT IS "IT"!!!"

""It"?" asked Brian as he walked by, "Oh it's a movie based on a novel by Stephen King about a killer clown."

_**(Material: Man, Stephen King has his name on everything.)**_

"Oooh, _that_ "It," said Meg.

"That clears things up, now," said Chris.

"Well, I'm going home, now," said Jillian, "Goodbye everyone except Chris!"

"Oh burn in hell already!" shouted Chris as Jillian left the house.

On her way to her car she was stopped by Herbert.

"Herbert! W-what do you want?" asked Jillian.

"Now what did I tell you about coming too close to my man?" asked Herbert.

_**(Bhaal: Herbert, are you a CONVICTED pedophile? Or has nobody caught on yet?)**_

"I don't know what you're talking about," lied Jillian.

_**(Bhaal: I wasn't talkin' to you!)**_

"You don't?!? Oh, okay then. You just run along, now," said Herbert, "Sorry for wasting your time."

Jillian then walked a little bit towards her car and then ran the rest of the way. The next day, Chris is trying to enjoy his breakfast but can't because something's on his mind. Then Peter comes in.

"Why the long face, Chris?" he asks, "You scored with an older chick! That makes you _the_ man!"

"I know, but... I have this friend, see," said Chris, "He and this girl got trapped and needed to have sex to survive."

"Wait, I need names, Chris," said Peter.

"Okay... my friend's name is... Chris... uh... Griffin," said Chris, "And the girl is... ummmmm... Jillian!"

"Whoa!!!" said Peter, "I have never heard of those people before in my life! Go on!"

_**(Material: I feel like I should make a sarcastic remark...but I don't need to.)**_

"Well, he accidentally gets her pregnant. Dad, what should I do?"

"Well, Chris, if I was your friend Chris, I'd am scray far far away for this Jillian girl!"

_**(Bhaal: What does scray mean?)**_

_**(Material: I think he meant "stray".)**_

"But the thing is I, er, I mean, Chris wants to keep the baby, but Jillian doesn't."

"Huh... maybe Chris should try convincing Jillian to keep the baby," said Peter.

"Thanks, dad," said Chris.

"Oh, Chris! Tell your friend Chris good luck," said Peter as he left the room.

"Peter, what were you and Chris talking about?" asked Lois.

"You won't believe it but Chris has this friend named Chris Griffin who got this girl named Jillian knocked up," said Peter.

"A friend named Chris Griffin? Who knocks up Jill- WHAT THE HOLY F?!?!?" shouted Lois angrily.

_**(Bhaal: There's a holy F?)**_

"...Ooooooooh, now I get it!" chuckled Peter.

_**(Material: Well hooray for you! A round of applause for Captain Ambitious over here.)**_

Upstairs in Chris's room, Lois and Peter are having a little talk with him.

"What the hell were you thinking?!?!?" shouted Lois, "I mean, you're only 14 and she's a full fledged adult!"

"I was thinking about sex," said Chris, "And surviving."

_**(Bhaal: As we all do from time to time.)**_

"Chris, you're too young to be having sex!" said Lois.

"Says the red haired bi-sexual who had sex with my mother when she was 14," said Zack as he entered the room, "Yeah, she told me."

_**(Material: You can just smell the hypocrisy in the air...smells like ass.)**_

"You stay out of this," said Lois, "And my sex life is none of your business."

"Apparently MINE is yours!" said Zack as he left, "I found your little hole in the wall. You won't be getting anymore free shows from us."

"You son of a-" said Lois angrily as she tried to get Zack but Peter grabbed her arm.

_**(Bhaal: Yes, how dare you cancel our free porn!)**_

"Lois, we're talking about Chris, remember?" asked Peter, "Now Chris I want you to do the most responsible thing a man must do in a situation like this... You tell Jillian you're going to get a pack of cigerettes and when you leave the door you run like hell! You run and you don't look back! You don't care where the hell you're going as long as it's away from her and that baby!"

"Peter, no!" said Lois, "You will help her take care of the baby, but you can't tell anyone you're the father. The money you make from your paper route will be used for the baby."

"What?!?! But I use that money for important stuff!"

**Flashback.**

Chris cuts up a few $100 bills to make paper dolls. He then claps and laughs. Also around his room are money paper airplanes and money paper hats.

"Better go to the john," said Chris as he took a roll of money toilet paper.

**Flashback.**

"Chris, caring for a baby is much more important," said Lois, "Jillian needs support, Chris, and since you're the father, you need take responsibility."

_**(Bhaal: I bet he can't even spell responsibility.)**_

"I guess so," said Chris.

"Yes, OR..." said Peter, "You can pretend to get a pack of cigarettes and..."

"Enough with the deadbeat dad parenting skills!" said Lois.

_**(Material: Although...)**_

Later, Chris is doing his paper route, when he stops by old man Herbert's house like usual.

"Well, looks the musclely armed paperboys back," said Herbert, "So, you still like popsicles?"

"Sorry, Mr. Herbert. I don't have time to talk," said Chris, "I need to get my route finished so I can talk to Jillian as soon as possible."

"J-Jillian? That hussy?" asked Herbert bitterly, "Why do you wanna see that girl anyway? She's much too old for you."

_**(Bhaal: And you aren't?)**_

"I'm sorry, but it's pretty important," said Chris, "And I can't tell anyone. Well, see you tommorrow."

"You get your fatass back here!" he said angrily as he crushed his newspaper.

Later at Jillian's place, she in bed looking very depressed. She had not moved from her spot since last night. She felt hopeless. No man would want her now, since she's bound to be a single mother and she also didn't want to be fat. She was also afraid of giving birth to an elephant, like Lois did. Then she heard a knock on her door. Jillian slowly got up from her spot, put on a robe and walked to her door and she then looked through her eye hole. She saw the last person she wanted to see... Adam West. Jillian then opened her door.

"Jillian! I made a mistake!" he said, "I want you ba-"

She then slammed the door. There was a knock again. She looked through the eye hole to see the second-to-last person she wanted to see. Yes, it's Chris this time.

"GO AWAY!!!" she shouted.

"Jillian, I just want to talk!" said Chris.

_**(Material: And maybe do other stuff...hint hint.)**_

"Oh, so you can get me in bed again, and make me have twins?!?!" asked Jillian.

"...uh... I don't think that's how it works," said Chris, "Jillian, just listen to me!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

Chris was then about to leave, until he then got an idea.

"Jillian!" he said as he then covered his nose, "This is Bill ummmm Humperdinkle!"

"Bill ummmm Humperdinkle?!? Is that you???" asked Jillian as she quickly opened the door which gave Chris enough to dash into her apartment, "Hey!!! You tricked me!"

_**(Bhaal: Wouldn't be the first time.)**_

"I'm sorry, but I really needed to talk to you!" said Chris, "Jillian, listen to me. You can't get the abortion!"

"Don't worry, I wont," said Jillian.

_**(Material and Bhaal: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!)**_

"Really? So you realised that it was wrong?"

"No. I want the baby to be a constant reminder of why my life is so fed up now!"

"Ouch. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I want to help raise the baby," said Chris, "It's my fault you're pregnant, now, and I want to make it up to you by doing something most males wouldn't do in a situation like this. I'm giving you child support money from my paper route."

"Chris... that is so sweet of you," said Jillian, "But you don't have too."

"But I want to," said Chris, "I know I'm only 14, but I really want the best for my kid. I'm sure you'll make a great mother."

_**(Material: So...ya wanna?)**_

"Thank you, Chris," said Jillian, "I'm sorry I blamed you for all this. We should've been more aware of the consequences at the old cabin."

_**(Bhaal: Oh yes...the consequences.)**_

_**(Material: How do you make that sound dirty?)**_

_**(Bhaal: I can do it with anything, watch...Grandma's Chicken Saaalaaaaddd.)**_

"I suppose we should have," said Chris, "So since the baby's mine... does that mean-?"

"No, we are NOT a couple," she said.

"I see..." said Chris as he turned around sadly, "Well, see ya later."

_**(Material: Bye.)**_

Chris was then about to walk out the door.

"Chris, wait," said Jillian, "Do you wanna stay here for a while, and watch a movie? You know, as friends?"

"Okay, I guess," said Chris, "So what are we watching?"

""It"" she said.

"What's "It"?"

"You know. "It"."

_**(Bhaal: Oh Jesus Romero, not this again.)**_

_**(Material: Don't you mean Jesus Christ?)**_

_**(Bhaal: I like this one better.)**_

"No I don't know anything about "It"?"

"Let's just watch "It". Then you'll know what "It" is."

"So... is "It" good?" asked Chris as he sat on the sofa with Jillian as she laughed.

"You know Chris, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship," she said as she turned on the TV.

_**(Material: Chris and Jillian in...the F(bleep)kbuddy!)**_

_**(Bhaal: Did we just get bleeped?)**_

**End Episode**

**Response To Reviews**

**Liana-Wolfe: **Nice to see we gave you stitches.

**FreezeXtreme: **Ooh, the Destructive Duo...I like that.

_**lllllllllllllllll**_

_**Bhaal: Hey guys! Do you wanna appear on the next episode of Totally Skippable?**_

_**Material: Well all you have to do is be the first to correctly answer this question in a review.**_

_**Bhaal: Name the actress that played Meg in the first Season of Family Guy.**_

_**Material: If you win, you'll have a pre-scripted appearance on the next episode of Totally Skippable!**_

_**Bhaal: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!**_


	6. Rosie's Eggventure

**Episode Three:**** The Spellbook: Rosie's Egg-venture (With Liana-Wolfe.)**

_**(Material: Oh man, have you seen your review page? That was hilarious.)**_

_**(Bhaal: Uh...yeah.)**_

_**(Material: Oh...right. We're doing The Spellbook now...is this gonna be a problem?)**_

_**(Bhaal: No, I'm fine, I'm good to go.)**_

_**(Door Opens)**_

_**(Liana: What are you guys doing in the back closet?)**_

_**(Material: This is where we record.)**_

_**(Liana: Oh...well budge over, I'll join in.)**_

_**(Bhaal: ...Okay.)**_

Everybody was surprised with the odd present that Santa delivered to Rosie for saving Christmas. It was an egg, but not a normal one: it had the size of a small melon.

_**(Material: Wow, that must be a Grade Z egg. That would make an awesome omlette!)**_

"What the hell is this?" asked Rosie in confusion.

_**(Liana: Hey, watch your mouth young lady!)**_

"Don't you see it? It's an egg!" said Peter. "Geez, this kid is really dumb"

_**(Bhaal: And you aren't?)**_

_**(Material: I think we already used that joke before.)**_

"We already know that" said Meg annoyed with her dad's attitude.

_**(Liana: See? Even they know what joke you've used.)**_

"I've never seen something like this before" said Matt, _**(Bhaal: Apparently he didn't know.)**_ as he took a closer sight of the egg.

"And what the hell I'm supposed to do?" asked Rosie. "Sit on it until hatches?"

_**(Liana: That would be a funny sight to see.)**_

"That leads to another question: What's inside the egg?" said Brian. "Because I'd bet all my pot that there isn't a chicken inside. And I also bet that it's dangerous"

"So, what are we going to do with it?" asked Lois.

"Santa told me that I'll enjoy this present as much as having a little sister"

_**(Bhaal: Twincest! The definition of "fucking yourself".)**_

commented Rosie. "Maybe it's a pet"

"But we already have a pet" said Lois. "We have Brian. And this is not a pet. It's only an egg. And we don't know what to do to hatch"

"Hatch?" asked Matt. "That's the same as born, right? Then I know somebody who maybe can help us. LIFE!!"

_**(Material: Get one!)**_

A flash of white, silver light filled the whole room, and Life appeared from it.

"Did somebody call me?" said Life. "Oh, the Griffins. We didn't see since Meg's labor. And I guess that this lovely little girl is Rosie" said Life with a giggle as she held her in arms.

"Yes, we did" said Matt. "We have a problem that you may solve"

"What is it?"

"Santa brought me this" said Rosie as she handed Life the box with the egg on it. "Do you know what is it?"

_**(Liana: It's that new brand of sex toys for the fisting fetishists.)**_

"Oh my…!" said Life in surprise. "It has been long time since the last time I saw something like this…"

"Will you stop increasing our already big excitement and tell us WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?" said Stewie.

_**(Liana: I just told you.)**_

"Mmmmmm…no" said Life, and she saw everybody going nuts for what she said. "I'm going to let you discover what it is" said Life with a little grin.

_**(Material: You are such a bitch!)**_

"God, I really hate that woman…I don't know how Death can stand her" muttered Stewie.

"Me neither" said Death offscreen.

"I HEAR THAT!" shouted Life. "Anyway, you said Santa Claus brought it to you? Well, you only need to touch it"

"What?" said Rosie.

"Just touch it" said Life.

_**(Material: C'mon, it'll be loads of fun...but don't tell anyone.)**_

Rosie touched the egg, and she got a shock.

"Ow!" said Rosie, before quickly sucking his finger. _**(Bhaal: Rosie's a guy?) **_ "What was that?"

"Because that egg needs a magic boost in order to hatch" explained Life. "The egg will take some time to hatch, so be patient. Well, that's all you need to know. Farewell!" said Life as she disappeared in a flash of white light.

"So, that's it?" asked Meg.

"God, that was more disappointing than that time Barbossa tried to break the undead pirate curse" said Peter.

**Flashback**

In Isla de Muerta, Barbossa and his crew had gathered all the cursed Aztec gold in its original chest, and now they only need the blood of Will "Bootstrap" Turner.

"At last!" said Barbossa. "We finally gathered all the cursed gold coins, and we dropped our blood except one pirate, Bootstrap Turner!"

The crew began to mutter.

"But I have good news! I've learned that Turner has a son, and I got it!" shouted Barbossa, and his crew cheered up. "Bring Turner's son here, so we can finish this!"

Two pirate henchmen walked to Barbossa holding…Timmy Turner.

_**(Bhaal: Already I can tell that this is not the same movie I saw.)**_

"Please, you're doing a mistake!" shouted Timmy. "I'm not _that _Turner!"

"Ha! Like you can fool us!" said a random pirate.

"Cosmo! Wanda! Where are you? Save me!" cried Timmy.

Meanwhile, in Isla Tortuga, Cosmo and Wanda are totally drunk, in a drinking contest against other pirates.

"I have this weird feeling that we're forgetting about something" said Wanda.

_**(Liana: Ya think?)**_

**End Flashback**

Meanwhile, in some odd dimension between the world of the livings and the afterlife, Lorraine and Jeanne are bored stiff.

_**(Bhaal: Oh hey, it's the attractive French Witches!)**_

"God, I hate this place, all the things here are void and strange flashes of light" moaned Lorraine. "Do you think that Miriam will revive us soon?"

"Trust our sister" said Jeanne, pretty confident. "She's powerful and intelligent. And she told me that she had a plan for come back to life"'

_**(Material: I think it involved a dead rooster and a full moon.)**_

Suddenly, Miriam appeared in front of them.

"Hi sis" said Jeanne. "How was it?"

"What do you think, dumbass?" said Miriam pretty upset. "God, I can believe that I was beaten by two 1 year old little girls…" muttered.

_**(Liana: Man, how pathetic are you?)**_

"So, what are we going to do?" asked Lorraine. "We can't be here forever!"

"It seems that we must think in something" said Jeanne. "However, since I possessed that Jillian girl my intellect has been greatly reduced"

_**(Material: Well now the boys will like you.)**_

Suddenly, Miriam shut up and stood there totally motionless.

"Miriam?" asked Jeanne.

"Are you okay?" asked Lorraine.

"Shut up!" commanded Miriam. "Don't you feel it?"

"Feel what?" asked Jeanne.

_**(Bhaal: A buzza from down unda.)**_

"A powerful energy source has been activated _**(Bhaal: Ooh, I called it, how awesome am I?)**_…and its energy is the same as us!" said Miriam, cheered.

"Have you located it?" asked Lorraine.

_**(Material: Yes, but you're not gonna like it.)**_

"Yes! It comes from the Griffin house!" said Miriam.

"It's our book?" asked Jeanne.

"No, it's something…different" said Miriam. "Fortunately, the Griffin house was impregnated with the spellbook's magical energy, so we can go there. Let's go! That may be our chance to come to life again!"

_**(Liana: Hooray for defying death!)**_

And thus this, the three witches teleported to the Griffin house, ready to carry out Miriam's plan…

The very next day, Rosie and Stewie were happily watching TV on the living room, unknown to them that today, their parents had planned something very special for them. Something that almost every toddler feared. Something that, somehow, let the kids to discover the adult's cruelty. But now, some filler, um, I mean, cutaway, that I've been long time preparing.

**Cutaway to TV**

(A/N: It's a movie commercial, italic is the narrator)

We see some Near East medieval like city, with its inhabitants, buildings, shops, guards, etc…and we see a figure jumping from roof to roof.

_The monarchs of Persia were the most powerful kings of a great empire that extended across a whole continent…_

Now we see some princess being kidnapped by some bad guys dressed with back Arabic clothes, wielding scimitars.

_But what can a King do when somebody steal his most precious treasure?_

The image switches again to the mysterious figure jumping from roof to roof, except that this time the camera is closer to him/her.

_The power of a King is greatly eclipsed by the power of a warrior, the power of a hero, the power of an adventurer, the power of somebody who doesn't fear death…_

We see the mysterious guy, in the top of a tower beating up some bad guys. After he's done with it, he approaches the captive princess.

_The power of…_

"Girl, if God created something anything more beautiful than you, I really hope that he kept it for himself" praised the man to the princess, ruining the awesome climax.

_Will Smith…_

Then the camera switches to some random action scenes mixed with other scenes of Will acting like an idiot, in front of females.

…_starring in one of the probably lamest crossovers of the story of cinema (even worse than Alien vs Predator 2)…_

More random scenes of the movie…

_He is…_

"Um..You a little freaky-deeky ain't you?" said Will to a huge monster.

…_the Fresh Prince of Persia. _

_Coming soon…_

_**(Bhaal: Hey I love those games. How dare you satarize them Ander!)**_

**End Cutaway**

"My god, what the hell was that?" asked Stewie, disgusted.

"It seems that Will Smith is lowering his standards, which is sad" commented Rosie. "I can believe that he's now doing this crap"

"Big time" said Stewie.

Both toddlers stood there for some seconds.

"Wanna go to watch it?" asked Rosie.

"Sure!" replied Stewie.

It was almost time. Lois then walked in the living room and switched off the TV.

"Hey, we were watching that!" complained Rosie.

_**(Material: Yeah, the headless gnome was gonna cannibalize the rabies ridden deer!)**_

"You damn vile woman! I demand the reason of this blatant abuse of authority!" shouted Stewie really angered.

"You can watch TV later" said Lois, who was about to drop the bomb. "It's time for you to bath"

Both kids stood there, frozen in shock and looked at Lois with their jaws dropped.

"What!?" said Stewie and Rosie in unison.

_**(Liana: Jesus, are you guys that deaf?)**_

"It has been three days since the last time you got a bath, and now you're starting to smell really bad, so be good kids and…" was saying Lois, but she was interrupted by Peter, who just entered in the living room.

"Geez, Lois, if you feel so lonely, why you don't get some new friends?" asked Peter.

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Lois, confused. The camera then zoomed out, to reveal that Lois was speaking alone. Rosie and Stewie weren't there anymore. "DAMN!"

_**(Bhaal: Just a hamster in a wheel, isn't it?)**_

Peter then frowned.

"Lois, you're acting even weirder than Quagmire in full moon nights" said Peter.

**Flashback**

Quagmire is having sex with some random woman (A/N: I have the feeling that all my Quagmire flashbacks are just the same).

"Oh, Glenn, you were awesome" said the woman, as she rubbed Quagmire's chest with her finger. "Can we repeat it?"

"Sure we can! I've always said that twice the Quagmire, double the fun! Giggity giggity goo!"

"Look at the sky, it's so romantic" said the woman, who was looking at the night sky through the open window. "The stars, the full moon…"

"What!?" did you said full moon?" asked Quagmire, shocked. His teeth began to grow.

"Yes why-?" but she couldn't finish her sentence, because Quagmire was almost kicking her from his house. "Glenn! What's wrong?"

"It's something personal!" said Quagmire. "But you must go now! I call you tomorrow!" lied Quagmire, who was growing hair around his whole body.

"But Gelnn!" complained the woman, but Quagmire left her outside with her clothes and closed the door. "Fine…" muttered the woman angrily, as she walked away.

"AAAAAAWWWWWWWW, giggity giggity!" howled Quagmire, like a wolf. "AAAAAAWWWWWWWW, giggity giggity!"

_**(Liana: ...I'm not even going to comment on this.)**_

**End Flashback**

Stewie and Rosie were in the back lawn, close to the house's walls.

"God, it was so near" said Stewie, still trembling. "Good one, Rosie. You were really quick"

"We need to think in something fast…I'm sure that they're looking for us right now" said Rosie.

In that moment, Brian appeared there, and looked at the kids with a vacant expression.

"Brian!" shouted Rosie.

"Oh, Brian, my dear friend and partner, you will help us to skip that horrible torture called bath, won't you?" begged Stewie.

"Lois! Meg! They're right here!" shouted Brian.

"Crap! Run!" shouted Rosie.

"You damn backstabber!" said Stewie, pissed. "You'll pay for this!!"

Stewie and Rosie rushed outside the lawn and they penetrated inside Quagmire's house,

_**(Material: Did he just say penetrated?)**_

specifically, the basement.

"Okay, it will take some time until they find out that we're here" said Rosie, who was still gasping for air. "This is the plan: we buy some passages to Canada, and hide there until they forget about the bath"

"Canada?" asked Stewie. "Are you serious? I mean, now that I think about it, it's only a bath, and we're taking this too far…"

"Fine. Enjoy your bath!" said Rosie before teleporting to another place, leaving Stewie to his own fate.

"Hey! I mad up my mind! Don't leave me alone!!" cried Stewie.

The camera was still focused on the basement.

"Oh, Glenn, you didn't tell me that you had kids!" said the sweet voice of some random woman offscreen.

"Kids? What the hell are you talking…?" asked Quagmire offscreen before noticing the two toddlers looking at him. "Uh…hi kids"

Meanwhile, inside the house…

"Okay, everything is clear" said Lorraine, as she and the other witches appeared inside the house.

"Quickly, upstairs!" commanded Miriam, and the three ghost witches flied upstairs, and following the eldest witch's path, they entered in Rosie's room. "There it is!" said Miriam, pointing to the egg.

_**(Liana: You know what? Ander's chapters are excrutiatingly long.)**_

"Oh my god…it's…it's…" stammered Jeanne.

"Yes, my dear sister. It's exactly what you're thinking…if you're still able to think anything" said Miriam.

Lorraine then turned to the readers.

"No, we're not going to say what is it, so screw you, people!" said Lorraine with an evil grin.

_**(Bhaal: Oh, come on!)**_

"Okay, sisters, let's held our hands in a circle towards the egg" said Miriam with solemnity. Her sisters obeyed. "Ancient powers of magic, darkness and chaos, hear our pray, let this egg to be the catalyst of a new form, a new life. Make us of flesh and bones again!"

The egg then began to glow with a warm and golden shine, irradiating pure energy, like a diminutive sun. A huge flash of red light filled the room, but this time it wasn't of the knockbacking, glass shattering class. After it, Miriam, Lorraine and Jeanne were no longer ghosts.

"We did it!" said Miriam with joy. "We're alive again!"

"Hey, those aren't our bodies!" pointed Lorraine.

"What?" asked Miriam, confused. Then she noticed that Lorraine had a body identical to Lois(except that her hair was black instead of red), and Jeanne had a body identical to Jillian, except that her hair was white with black streaks. She then looked at herself in a mirror and saw that she had Meg's body, but her hair was styled the same way than the time she possessed her.

_**(Material: I can't tell if Ander's being smart or just lazy.)**_

"Did we return to the bodies we possessed last time?" asked Jeanne.

"No" said Miriam. "But I guess that the possession of those bodies affected us in some way. Anyway, this may not be our true bodies, but they will work. Now let's begin phase two"

_**(Bhaal: The second out of seventeen phases.)**_

"I can see the Griffins outside" said Lorraine, who was peeking through the window.

"Excellent" said Miriam. "We will take our book with us. We will also take this egg. The beast sleeping inside it will help us in the future. Now, let's look for my book!" commanded again.

Meanwhile, in the back lawn, Lois and Meg are bathing their respective babies in a big washbasin, while the rest of the family was watching.

"See? Bathing is not that bad" said Lois sweetly, as she rubbed a sponge against Stewie's body. "You'll feel clean and fresh after it"

"I don't know why you always have to make such a mess to avoid it" said Meg, who was washing Rosie's hair. "Rosie, I want you to apologize to your father later"

"Why?" said Rosie, covered in lather.

_**(Liana: Because he doesn't get enough screentime, so we need some way to put him in here, why not?)**_

"Because you used your powers to throw trashcans at him, that's why!" said Meg angrily.

"He asked for it!" said Rosie, pissed, as she frowned and looked away.

"God, that kid has a really good aim" complained Matt, as he rubbed his injured arm. "And a really bad temper too! I wonder from who inherit it"

Meg then glared at her husband coldly.

"Point proven" chuckled Peter.

"And why are you bathing us here, where everybody can see us?" complained Stewie. "GET OUT, YOU OLD FAG!" _**(Bhaal: Wow, wow, whoa, what was that?) **_shouted Stewie to Herbert, who was peeking him through his house.

"Oh, don't be ashamed of it" said Matt. "It's a sunny day and people will love to see two cute babies…I stand correct, a cute baby and a funny looking baby"

"HA!" laughed Stewie. "Your own dad thinks that I'm cuter than you and that you're funny looking! How does it feel?" teased Stewie to Rosie. Rosie simply rolled her eyes in annoyance and muttered something inaudible.

Suddenly, they heard a really loud noise inside the house.

"What was that?" asked Lois, worried.

_**(Liana: Really big rats.)**_

"Stupid Brian" said Peter. "He must be messing with the garbage again"

"Dad, Brian it's just here" said Meg.

"Maybe it's the evil monkey, who's taking over the house" said Chris with fear, but nobody paid attention to his comment as usual.

_**(Material: I'm here for you in spirit, Chris.)**_

"Maybe we have robbers!" said Lois, each time worried. "Peter, Matt, I want you to look inside the house. I'll call Joe"

"Matt, be careful" said Meg with a bit of sadness.

"Daddy, let me go with you!" begged Rosie.

"My brave little girl" chuckled Matt "Don't worry, honey, if there's a thief there, he'll regret of coming here" said Matt as he rubbed her daughter's hair softly.

_**(Bhaal: Matt's a girl now?)**_

Meanwhile, inside the house, the three witches are arguing.

"Oh, look what you've done, you dumbass!" said Lorraine to Jeanne, who had tossed (and broke) a lamp.

"Hey, I only wanted to know how this strange artefact works!" replied Jeanne. "It's no big deal"

"God, no doubt why Miriam trusted me the egg" said Lorraine.

"Sisters, I have the book!" said Miriam as he walked downstairs, carrying the spellbook. "Let's get out of here"

Suddenly, Peter and Matt walked in the living room. The witches stared at them for some seconds.

"Oh, it was only a black haired Meg, a black haired Lois and Brian's stupid but awfully hot girlfriend" said Peter nonchalantly. "Hey, I though that you were outside washing your kids"

_**(Liana: Uh...we were...we came in too...oh damn I need an excuse...have an all girl three way.)**_

"Oh, hi, big man" said Lorraine s she blushed.

"What the hell?" asked Matt, before realizing what was happening there. "GET DOWN!" shouted Matt as he tackled Peter to the ground, before a lightning cast by Miriam could hit them.

_**(Bhaal: Way to stay on the ball, Matt.)**_

"Sisters, kill them!" shouted Miriam.

"I could recognize that lousy French accent anywhere! It's Miriam!" said Matt.

"Holy crap! Let's get out of here!" said Peter, as he and Matt ran away.

_**(Material: Nobody said we'd have to go anywhere. Can't we escape them from here?)**_

"Get them!" commanded Miriam.

Peter and Matt quickly ran to the back lawn, where the rest of the family was still there. Stewie and Rosie had finished their bath, and they're now dried and fully dressed. Joe was also with them.

"Peter! Matt!" shouted Lois. "We hear some shouts! It was a burglar?"

"Even worse!" said Matt, who bent over, gasping for air. "It was…"

"GRIFFINS!" boomed a dark voice.

"Oh, no, it's Miriam and her sisters!" said Meg in horror. "Wait, why they have our bodies?"

"What the hell is that?" asked Joe, who was aiming at the witches, who were floating above them in their magic broomsticks.

"We finally got permanent bodies, and now we will kill you once for all!" threatened Miriam.

_**(Liana: Yeah, real original)**_

"Hey, big man, do you want me to play with your magic wang?" asked Lorraine to Peter in a very seductive tone.

_**(Bhaal: Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong!)**_

"Hey, I liked the way you changed 'wand' with 'wang' to make a really clever sex analogy" said Jeanne. "If I wish I could do that too" said Jeanne sadly.

"Step away from my husband, you bitch!" shouted Lois.

"I'm not a bitch, but a witch!" said Lorraine, offended.

"Lorraine, will you stop flirting with that fat guy?" asked Miriam really annoyed.

_**(Liana: Some people find fat people sexy. I don't really understand them myself.)**_

"I can help it! It's this freaking body!" complained Lorraine. "I get really horny whenever I see him!"

"Well…you can also vent your sex drive with me if you want…" whispered Brian.

"What?" said Lois.

"What?" said Brian really quickly. "Let's get out of here!"

"Hey, did you notice that bitch and witch sound almost the same?" asked Jeanne.

_**(Bhaal and Material: *Gasp* They do?)**_

"Oh, please, no more callback jokes" complained Stewie.

"Yeah, we have enough with Buzz Killington, Herbert, the evil monkey, Cleveland failing with his bathtub and this idiot saying 'cool hwhiz'" said Rosie.

"So, you hate callback/recycled jokes?" asked Miriam. "Then you're not going to like very much the way I wanted to kill you"

"I hope it's not surfing bird" said Lois.

Without saying anything more, Miriam casted a spell on Joe, which turned his eyes red, like he's mind controlled.

"Everybody, form the Crippletron!" shouted Joe.

_**(Liana: For reasons that are obvious, we are going to skip this section.)**_

_**Fast Forward BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..................................**_

The Griffins and the Kennedys rushed to the van and speeded away from their home.

Meanwhile, the Crippletron is fighting with the furious vines. He finally is released, but due to the momentum, he tripped and fell over Cleveland's house, tearing it apart. And do you know what's doing Cleveland right now? Right, he's taking a bath!

"NO no no no no no noooooo!" said as he fell to the ground with his bathtub, that shattered into pieces. "God, I should take a shower instead of bathing"

"Oh, hey Cleveland" said Joe, who was freed of the mind control. "Dude, what have you done with your house?"

Minutes later, the Griffins, the Kennedys and Helen are sheltered in Helen's store.

"Helen, that was amazing!" said Chris.

"Are you a witch?" asked Meg.

"Yes" said Helen. "But don't be afraid, I'm of the good kind"

_**(Material: Hooray for allies!)**_

"Well, thank you, old witch" said Matt.

"Who are you calling old, kid?" teased Helen. She then snapped her fingers, and was quickly surrounded by a green cloud of smoke. When the smoke faded, everybody stared at her with their jaws dropped. Helen was no more an old and defenceless lady. She was a good looking woman, maybe in her forties, with a long and wavy brown hair, a gorgeous body and a beautiful face. She was dressed like a witch, with a traditional black robe and a pointed hat, but unlike Miriam and her sisters, her black clothes were adorned with green ornaments and nature motifs, such like trees, flowers or leafs. "Oh, ad by the way, my true name is Daphne. Helen is an alias" said Daphne in a Scottish accent.

_**(Bhaal: Man, how much more cliche is Ander going to embody for this?)**_

"Wow, I've been working with a witch so much time and I've never realized of that!" said Meg, in amazement. "Wait a moment, you already knew that I had a spellbook when you hired me, right?" asked Meg, who was beginning to put two and two together.

"That's right, honey" said Daphne. "I've been tracking that book for many years, with no success, until you found it. Then I decided to keep an eye on you, and see which your purposes were. However, when I realized that your use of magic was responsible, all things considered" and Daphne glared at Peter while saying this. "After watching how , with the help of your family, defeated Miriam and her sisters, I had no reasons to keep watching you. However, when I was about to erase me from your memory and go away, you got pregnant" said Daphne, and then she looked at Rosie. "I had some suspects that maybe you'll gave birth someone of our kind. And I was right"

"Well, sorry for calling you old" apologized Matt.

"It's okay, sweetie. Well, you weren't wrong at all, I'm 186 years old" said Daphne, surprising everybody.

_**(Liana and Bhaal: Wow, we didn't see that one coming.)**_

"My God! You have to tell Lois which is your secret to keep yourself such a healthy appearance!" said Peter in amazement. "It's a deal with the devil? huh? A deal with the devil? I mean, a deal made with the devil in which he gives you something you want, but the devil becomes the owner of your soul. It's that? A deal with the devil?"

"Wait, what did you mean by saying 'someone of our kind'?" asked Meg.

"Rosie is a witch" said Daphne, as she picked up her close to her face. "A human born with magic powers, but it's not just that. Witches –or wizards/warlocks, in the case of males- have enhanced intelligence and senses, immunity to almost all diseases and illnesses that affect regular humans- however, she's vulnerable to other kind of diseases- and a much longer lifespan. That's why I look so young while having almost two hundred years. And she's quite powerful, which is odd, being both of her parents humans" said Daphne before leaving Rosie on the floor.

_**(Bhaal: And you say my character's a Mary Sue. You just shot youself up about fifty points right there.)**_

"I'm not that powerful" said Rosie. "I wouldn't be able to do that things with the plants like you did before"

"Oh, that's because you're not even a year old, but your powers will increase while you grow" said Daphne.

"Thanks goodness that continuity means nothing in this universe and she will remain as a baby for many years, because she could become corrupted with power and slave us, make us to do her bidding and cancel the awesome programs and reality shows aired on Fox" said Chris.

"Still, the way you used those plants earlier, was amazing" praised Brian.

"Thanks. That's because I was trained in magic involving nature, just like many of Scottish witches. I also can understand and talk to animals, like you" said Daphne as she petted him.

_**(Material: You know, in RPG circles, those are called Druids.)**_

"Well, actually, everybody can understand and speak with Brian" said Meg.

"Oh…" said Daphne. "How many animals can speak?"

"Only Brian, New Brian, Brian's gay cousin Jasper, our first dog Todd, Death's dog, Ernie the Giant Fighting Chicken, that giant flamethrowing cockroach that keeps saying 'good…good!'…oh, and Arnold Schwarzenegger" said Lois.

"Don't forget Batista" said Matt.

_**(Bhaal: Who the fuck is Batista?)**_

"But I guess that if Brian would have a canine daughter with me, and name her, let's say Rose – do not mistake with Rosie- I'm pretty sure that she could speak too." explained Lois.

_**(Liana: That's...erm...pretty specific there Lois.)**_

"Brian having a canine daughter with you?" chuckled Peter. "That's the most stupid twaddle I've ever hear"

"Yeah, me too!" laughed Stewie. "Could you imagine that?"

_**(Bhaal: No, I can't. And for one reason. People don't give birth to puppies.)**_

"Maybe in another universe" laughed Chris.

Brian then muttered some inaudible profanities against them.

"Anyway, I'm sorry to spoil this hilarious moment, but we have a more important issue" interrupted Daphne. "We have to retrieve the spellbook and the egg Miriam stole from you"

"Do you know what is it?" asked Rosie. "I mean, the egg"

"Yes" said Daphne. "It's a phoenix egg"

_**(Liana: About fucking time.)**_

"Finally!" said Stewie.

(A/N: Congratulations to snake screamer)

"Phoenixes are birds that have great power, even if they're still in the egg. Lots of people believed, due to their nature, that phoenixes had the secret of immortality" explained Daphne. "I guess that Miriam and her sisters used the power of the egg to come again to life. But I'm sure that they'll plan to use the phoenix when he's born. Did you activate it?"

"What do you mean by that?" asked Meg a bit confused.

"Phoenix eggs need a magical boost in order to hatch. This boost is produced when a magical being, human or not, touches the egg. Usually another phoenix boosts the egg, but a witch or a wizard can do that too" explained Daphne.

"Oh, that was you mean by 'activate'" said Matt. "Yes, Rosie touched it"

"That's good" said Daphne. "The phoenix is now bonded to Rosie, and he won't obey Miriam. However, she can find a way to corrupt it or break the bond."

"Well, Miriam and I share the same magic energy. Does mean that..?" asked Rosie without completing her question.

"No, It's not the same" said Daphne.

"Well, I guess that we must find those witches and try to defeat them…again" said Peter. "Let's go to the church for get some holy water"

"Wait, it isn't the church burning?" said Chris, as he pointed to a smoky building.

_**(Bhaal: Aha! Your cliche endings are useless against a plot device!)**_

"Damn! They're playing hard right now" cursed Matt. "Any ideas of where can we find them, and how can we defeat them?"

"That won't be a problem" said Brian, who was looking something outside. "Look at that!" shouted the dog, pointing to the sky.

The rest of the family went out and looked at what Brian was pointing. They stared at it frozen in shock. Over the town of Quahog, a huge flying castle was hovering, surrounded by dark, stormy clouds.

"Oh, it's just brilliant!" said Stewie with excitement, ignoring for a moment their actual position. Then he pulled out a recorder. "Note to self: build a large flying fortress when I rule the world"

"I may be wrong, but I'd say that Miriam and her sisters are inside that flying castle" said Peter, and everybody stared at him.

_**(Liana: Hooray for you, genius.)**_

"Did you find it all by yourself?" asked Brian sarcastically.

"Oh, sure I did" said Peter proudly, who didn't get the point of Brian's question.

"Okay, we already know where the witches hide" said Lois, still staring at the impressive castle. "Any ideas of how are we going to beat them? Because we cannot rely on Holy Water anymore"

_**(Material: Doesn't regular water melt witches?)**_

"I'll fight them" said Daphne. "I don't know if I'm powerful enough to beat them, but I'm the only one here who actually can stand in a fight against them"

"Let me help you! I fought Miriam before!" offered Rosie.

"Rosie, no! It's too dangerous for you!" said Meg.

_**(Liana: Buzzkill!)**_

"Rosie, you're very brave, but your mother's right" said Daphne. Then she turned to the rest of the family. "While I fight Miriam, I want you to search for the spellbook and the phoenix egg. Miriam's powers aren't a big deal without the book, and she knows it. Once we have it, it shouldn't be any trouble. Fortunately, she'll be busy trying to break the bond between Rosie and the phoenix."

"Wait, how are we going to reach up there?" asked Matt.

"Well, ican go flying in my broomstick, but I guess that I can do something for help you" said the nature witch.

Daphne then cast a spell, and lots of vines grew from the ground, and the continued growing until they reached the flying castle.

"So, Jack and the magic beanstalks" said Brian. "I hope we don't find any giant inside that castle"

"Don't worry, Snoopy" said Stewie dryly. "We'll find EVEN WORSE things than giants up there"

"Well, let's go" said Peter, as he and everybody began to climb through the giant vine.

_**(Bhaal: And they did it with a smile.)**_

Meanwhile, inside the castle, Miriam and her sisters are studying the egg.

"It will hatch soon" said Lorraine. "But it's too bad that that brat boosted it first"

"Don't worry, I'll find the way to break that link" said Miriam, pretty confident.

"Sisters! Sisters!" shouted Jeanne as she burst in the room. "We have a problem!"

"Oh, _Qui s'est passé?_ Did you break a fingernail?" mocked Miriam.

"_Oui!_" said Jeanne sadly. "It looks so ugly…oh, and by the way, we have intruders"

"What? Why didn't you warned us before?" asked Lorraine.

"Because I was doing my nails, silly!" said Jeanne. "Then I broke my-"

"Enough!" shouted Miriam. "We must get rid off of those damn Griffins. Fortunately, I've prepared a few surprises for them…" said Miriam with an evil grin.

_**(Material: You know, usually witches are prtrayed as hideous, but not here.)**_

"When was the last time you prepared a surprise for me?" asked Jeanne sadly. "Sometimes I feel like a reject"

Miriam then groaned and placed her hand on her face.

Back to the Griffins, they've just finished of climbing their way to the castle, and they're now inside it.

"Well, now, please, follow my steps and don't do anything stupid" advised Daphne. "Do whatever I do"

"Do whatever I do" repeated Chris.

"You don't have to repeat everything I say" said Daphne annoyed.

"You don't have to repeat everything I say" repeated Chris in the same tone.

Lois then elbowed him in the arm.

"What? She said that we must do whatever she may do!" said Chris as he rubbed his arm.

"So, if you menstruate, guys have to do that too?" asked Peter.

Daphne groaned, really pissed, and placed her hand in her face.

"You just follow me and do whatever I SAY to do, and don't do anything stupid, okay!?" asked Daphne.

"Hey, you don't have to scold us like that!" said Peter, offended. "What do you think we are, retarded?"

_**(Bhaal: .........Yes.)**_

"Listen, the witches should know that we are here, so be careful. We have little time for taking back the book and the egg" said Daphne, ignoring Peter's last comment.

They interned through a dark hallway, walking in silence. The hallway was barely lighted by some torches.

_**(Liana: When is this chapter gonna end?)**_

_**(Bhaal: I don't know, but we've been here for about two hours now.)**_

"They may be witches, but they know nothing about electricity" remarked Brian dryly.

"Well, what can you expect from people who actually were in another dimension since the year 1200" said Matt.

"Well, Miriam and her sisters build this castle back in the Middle Ages, using nothing but magic and poor-quality materials. They've ruled France with an iron fist from this fortress for 18 years"

"Wait, how does that could happen but never mentioned in history books?" asked Lois.

"Inquisition burned all of Miriam's possessions (except the book, who was stolen by an unnamed thief), and forbade everybody to talk about her. But I though that they also destroyed this fortress. I guess I was wrong"

"Hey, what's that over there?" asked Meg as she pointed to a nearby room, which was poorly illuminated.

"Hey, I think that's the egg!" said Rosie with joy as she dashed frenetically towards it.

"Rosie, no, wait!" shouted Daphne as she and the others ran after her. They entered in the large room with the phoenix egg on a pedestal.

"Here you are!" said Rosie, cheered. "I was very worried, now let's get out of here"

However, when Rosie was about to recover her precious would-be pet, the pedestal lowered to the ground, sending the egg to a chamber in the lower floor.

"What the deuce?" asked Stewie.

"Quickly, to the lower floor!" said Matt. However, the door which they used to enter in the room suddenly closed, trapping the family inside.

_**(Material: [Sarcastic tone] Wow! I never expected this to happen.)**_

"S_oyez le bienvenu,_ Griffins" said Miriam(who was holding the spellbook) as she and her sisters appeared in the middle of the large room. "We've been waiting for you"

"Oh my God, it was a trap!" said Peter.

"Peter, would you mind to stop pointing out the obvious?" asked Brian really pissed. "You're even worse than that remake of Citizen Kane featuring Kane"

**Flashback**

(Because I don't want to butcher one of the best movies on history, this flashback was removed)

_**(Liana: What does that have to do with Citizen Kane?)**_

…

(After finding that his flashback was removed, Kane chokeslammed me)

**End Flashback**

"Now, prepare to die!" shouted Miriam as she and Lorraine and Jeanne got ready for the upcoming battle.

"Remember, keep out of the fight" said Daphne. "Try to find a way out of here"

"DIE!" shouted Miriam as she cast a lightning on Daphne, which she quickly dodged.

_**(Bhaal: [imitating Rosie's voice] Aw! Why can't I do that? This book has more plot holes then a-)**_

_**(Material: No!)**_

Daphne took something from her pockets, and tosses it to the floor; it were a bunch of seeds. However, after casting another spell on the seeds, they quickly grew into three dire piranha plants, that attacked the three French witches with firballs and bites. However, Jeanne cast a frost wind that froze the plants, which were finished off by a fire wave cast by Lorraine.

"You'll need more than a lame Super Mario Bros. reference to defeat us, hippie witch!" mocked Miriam.

They resumed the fight, however, Daphne was onto a loser, because she spend more time dodging her enemies attacks rather than attacking.

_**(Bhaal: You're a nature user! Shapeshift!)**_

"Peter, we must do something to help her!" said Lois. "There's no way she can't win alone!"

"Yes, but what can I do?" said Peter. "I could seduce her, but then you'll bitching me for that for a whole month"

"Maybe we could do like the last time we fought them and use some of our traits they inherited from us in our advantage" said Matt.

"Good idea!" said Brian. "Hey Jeanne, if I have seven cookies, and I eat one, how many cookies are left?"

"Ha! You won't catch me with the same trick twice!" said Jeanne pretyy confident. She then took out a calculator, and did the operation. "Six cookies left!" said Jeanne proudly.

"Damn! They covered their weak points!" shouted Brian in frustration.

"Hey, maybe I could escape through that ventilation tube!" said Rosie, looking at the entrance. "Quickly, mom, help me to reach there!"

"Okay, but be careful" said Meg, worried about her.

"Don't worry. I'm a witch after all" said Rosie, who climb her way to the ventilation tube, and got inside it.

_**(Liana: Actually, you're just a superpowered baby that doesn't have a specialty yet.)**_

Meanwhile, the battle of the witches continued, with no progression from Daphne.

"This isn't good!" said Matt. "Come on, we must think something!"

"I got it!" said Brian, before smacking Stewie really hard.

"Awwwww!" cried Stewie. "Brian, what was that for? You're such a mean dog! WAAAAAA!WAAAAAA!" began to cry Stewie.

Lorraine then heard Stewie crying and turned to him.

"Stewie!" shouted Lorraine. "What the hell did you do to my Stewie, you fiends?"

Lorraine then flied towards Stewie, got off her broomstick, and began to comfort him.

"Oh, don't cry, mommy's here…" said Lorraine sweetly, before being dropkicked by Lois.

"Stay away from my son, you fake hag!" shouted Lois angrily.

_**(Bhaal: BURN!)**_

"Stewie is MY son, you bitch!" shouted Lorraine.

Lorraine and Lois then engaged into a catfight, hitting, biting, scratching and smacking each other merciless.

"Good idea Brian! It seems that Lorraine also inherited Lois' maternal instinct. That will make things easier for Daphne" said Matt. "Now we must think in another way to…guys?" asked Matt when he realized that neither Brian nor Peter were listening to him.

"Just…wait a minute" said Brian, who was drooling along with Peter at the sight of the catfight. "Okay, what did you say?" asked Brian.

"Brian, Jillian is your girlfriend. You must know something about her that may drive Jeanne out of the battle" said Meg. "Quickly!"

"Okay, let me think…" said Brian, as he tried to remember what kind of things Jillian is fond of. "Well, she likes a lot crappy programs aired on MTV and Fox's reality shows"

"That would be great, if we had a TV" said Peter. "However, how can you expect from a dog" said Peter in shame.

"Let me try something" said Chris. "Hey, Jeanne, look, a flying pig!"

"Where!?" asked Jeanne, as she began to look around. "I don't see any flying pig!"

Daphne took advantage of the distraction, and summoned another vine that hit her really hard, throwing her out of her broomstick, knocking her unconscious.

_**(Material: Ha ha ha, what a ditz.)**_

"Good job Chris!" said Meg. "Only one witch to go!"

Meanwhile, Lois walked to them, full of bruises and scratches, with her clothes tattered.

"Well, that must learn that bitch not to mess with my family" said Lois. "Did I miss anything?"

Suddenly, the door opened, and Rosie entered in the room, carrying the egg.

"I've got it!" shouted Rosie with joy. "I've got it back!"

"NO!" shouted Miriam. "How a simple kid could defeat all my guards?"

"Guards?" asked Rosie in confusion. "There wasn't any guards…this place is totally empty"

_**(Liana: You're kidding right?A massive castle, and you three are the only one's there?)**_

"Anyway, I'm not going to let my plans ruined by a kid AGAIN!" yelled Miriam, as she ignored Daphne and flied towards Rosie. However, her charge was interrupted by Meg, who dropkicked her, knocking her out of her broomstick, and tossed the spellbook.

"And I'm not going to let my daughter to be threatened by a magical whore again!" said Meg in a defiant tone.

_**(Bhaal: You know, since she looks like you, you just called yourself a whore. Just pointing that out.)**_

"How dare you to…?" was about to say Miriam, but she was again interrupted by Meg's punch, which knocked her over.

While doing this, Matt lose no time and snatched the book.

"It seems that you've lost, Miriam" said Daphne as she walked menacingly to her.

"Oh, this isn't over!" said Miriam. "You've win this battle, but I'll be back soon!"

Miriam then cast a spell that teleported her and her unconscious sisters away.

"They escaped…" said Meg. "Do you think that they'll be back?"

"Oh, sure they will" said Peter. "Just like James Woods and Ernie the giant chicken. However, there's nothing to worry about. We will beat them again"

"Let's get out of here" said Brian. "This place creeps me out"

"It would be a pleasure" said Daphne, before teleporting everybody out of the castle.

Hours later, the family is in Rosie's room, looking closely at the egg, who was about to hatch.

"Look, the shell is cracking!" said Rosie.

_**(Liana: This story is full of people who state the obvious.)**_

During a minute that seemed interminable, the creature inside the egg fought against its prison, in order to break free. He finally succeeded. The phoenix hatchling looked like a newborn chicken, except that this was a little bigger and had red plumage.

"Awwwwww…." Said everybody, after they saw the newborn phoenix.

"Well, Rosie, this phoenix is yours, so how are you going to name it?" asked Matt.

"I'll call him…Flare!" said Rosie.

_**(Material: Real original Rosie.)**_

"Well, it seems that this family has a new member" said Lois. "Although it's not a human"

So, after a dangerous trip, Rosie finally could enjoy her Christmas present. However, Miriam won't gaie up that easily. She's now in another hideout planning her revenge.

"Damn griffins! They'll pay for this!" growled Miriam. "Lorraine, Jeanne, come here! Now!"

Lorraine walked to her, but Jeanne didn't came.

"Where the hell is Jeanne?" asked Miriam.

"Don0t know. She said that she has some issued to do…" said Lorraine as se shrugged.

Meanwhile, at Jillian's apartment…

"So, you always wanted a twin sister? Me too?" said Jillian.

"Yeah, we have so many things in common!" giggled Jeanne. "Tell me more things you like"

"I love Laguna 't you think it's the best program on TV?" said Jillian.

"Big time!" said Jeanne.

"In fact, tonight there's a 5 hour Laguna Beach special, wanna watch it with me?" asked Jillian.

_**(Bhaal: Quick! Material, Liana, RUN!!!!!)**_

"Sure!" said Jeanne as she turned on the TV.

Nathalie, still in the living room, has overheard the whole conversation andthen walked to her room. She then pulled out her cell phone and dialled a number.

"Meg?...this is Nathalie…is okay if I sleep at your house tonight?"

_**(Liana: Yes Nathalie...run.**_ _**Well that was piss easy. I can't believe you guys get traffic for this.)**_

_**(Bhaal: I suppose it would be easier if we used ghosts and updated only every two months?)**_

_**(Liana: There's a little more to it than that.)**_

_**(Bhaal: Whatever. I could do that no problem.)**_

_**(Liana: Sure you could. See ya later, murder child.)**_

_**(Door opens, footsteps, door closes.)**_

_**(Bhaal: What did she say?)**_

_**(Material: [sigh] Okay, in the game, Baldur's Gate, a Bhaalspawn is the child of the Lord of Murder, Bhaal. I believe she was meaning it as an insult.)**_

_**(Bhaal: Well, let's see how long it takes before I invite her back then.)**_

**End Episode.**

**Congratz to Liana Wolfe for winning the contest. There will be another one after a while, so keep looking at those new chapters, and answer the questions we give. We'll have to make them harder next time.)**


	7. Invocation Of Apocalyptic Evil

**Episode Seven:**** Whispering Illusion 2: Invocation Of Apocolyptic Evil**

The land surrounding the remains of Quahog was dark, and bleak. Almost everything and everyone had been destroyed.

_**(Bhaal: This is gonna cost us SO much money to fix...DAMMIT.)**_

Jaina stood there, with what remained of her beloved family. They had been attacked, injured, and some of them killed by the man they once idolized.

_**(Material: This is GRIFFIN IDOL!)**_

The US Army had tried to stop him, but they couldn't do a thing against a being so strong. Sometimes, Jaina would look up to the stars...wondering where this God that everyone was praying to was. If he really loved his children, why wouldn't he save them from this nightmare. Jaina looked over at her half sister, Rosie. In a way, they had both lost their fathers in this battle. Rosie's had been killed...and Jaina's father was no longer recognizeable. Jaina had watched in horror as the evil being that had attacked their town hurled her mother into a building, and crushed her under the weight of it all. Tears began to form in her small eyes. The once innocent, sweet, adorable little girl was now a shell of her former self.

_**(Bhaal: I hate it when my former self hides in his shell.)**_

There was nothing left for her in this world. She was done for...as was her sister. But if she was going down...she was going to take that monster down with her.

_**(Material: Yaaay! Self Sacrifice!)**_

With a look of determination to her sister, they merged into their powerful Spirit Merging form. Standing tall and proud, she stepped out onto the battlefield that had been carved out by the destruction of the city she called home. She saw him standing there...laughing his head off, a maniacal laugh that only further strengthened her conclusion that he was dead to the world...and couldn't be brought back.

"TURN AROUND AND FIGHT ME!" she yelled, her voice deep with rage.

He turned around...his face almost covered by the twisted shadow that had corrupted him.

"Well well my dear," he said, "I do believe that you have a death wish. You may go. Take what's left of your 'family' and flee. I will not follow you. You are not the one I'm after."

"You once saved me when I turned to evil," Jaina said, "Now I have to do the same...Dad!"

Matt gave a twisted grin, and drew his sword, "Then you will die trying!"

_**(Material: Oh this should be good.)**_

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**(One Hour Earlier...)**

_**(Material: Bhaal, you're a jackass!)**_

Meg sat on her bed, looking at the latest letter from Matt. There were tear stains on her face. Matt's unit had been ambushed late at night, and only a few of them made it out alive. The letter said that Matt was planning to assault the base of the people who had attacked them. She had not heard anything from him since then. This letter was sent a month ago, and news from the Army was that Matt's unit had gone missing. She got up, and she knew that Matt could get out of there okay...he would never leave her alone. Climbing out of bed, she headed downstairs, where Lois and Jaina were eating lunch.

"Hi guys," she said, "What's for lunch?"

"Just some sandwiches," Jaina said, telekineticly handing her one from the counter.

_**(Bhaal: What's funny is that she does it so casually, like her powers are nothing.)**_

"Thank you sweetie," Meg said, sitting down and biting into her lunch.

"We heard what happened to Matt's unit," Lois said, "It's terrible."

"I'm sure he'll be fine," Meg said, pulling out a picture that Matt had sent her several months ago. It was him standing with his unit...and he had Kevin leaning on his shoulder. There was one thing strange about him though. There were black and red veins almost completley covering the entire left side of Matt's face...like it was some kind of virus...or something even worse.

Then, there was a knock on the door. Meg got up to answer it, and was shocked to see Kevin standing there, supporting himself on two crutches, with a bandage wrapped around his head, and his shoulder bleeding.

"Kevin!" Meg said, helping him in, "What are you doing here?"

"General Ryder," Kevin panted, "He's gone insane."

_**(Material: Insane in the membrane!)**_

"Matt?" Meg asked, "What happened?"

"Well..."

**(Flashback)**

_We were doing fine against our enemies. Matt was a great leader, and he never left any of us behind._

Matt, and several others were crouched behind cover, with enemy troops firing at them.

"Orders sir?" Kevin asked.

"No orders," Matt said, "I'll deal with them myself."

_But as he used more and more power to win battles, the more and more sinister he became._

He jumped out, and all the other's could see was a black shadow blast over the truck they were hiding behind. When they came out, they saw the enemies dead, and Matt panting. A closer look showed black and red veins creeping up on his face.

"Are you alright sir?" asked one troop.

"Shut up," Matt sneered, "Now get into that outcroping."

_Then one day...he just snapped and started killing us all._

"Sir, what are your orders?" asked one troop.

"My orders?" Matt asked, in a much more evil sounding voice, "Just one...DIE!"

With that, he cut down his troop, and the rest of him men. However, Kevin managed to hide behind a tank, and avoid detection.

**(End Flashback)**

"When he stopped killing people, and took off into the sky, I immedietly came here to warn somebody," Kevin panted.

_**(Bhaal: Do you know anybody I could warn?)**_

"What do you mean Matt started killing his own men?" Lois asked.

_**(Material: I think it was pretty obvious.)**_

"What did I just say?" Kevin asked, "I said he started killing his own men. I heard him say something about a global purge, but then he took off."

"Global Purge?" Meg asked, "Oh my god...I think Matt is going to slaughter the whole world."

"He would never do that," Lois said, "You were just talking to him last month."

**(Flashback)**

"So Matt, I can't wait until you get home," Meg said seductivly.

"Oh really?" Matt asked over the phone, "What are you going to do?"

"You'll have to wait and see," Meg said.

"Oh damn you," Matt said in mock anger, "You know what Meg? You're my kryptonite...you're the only thing that can hurt me."

**(End Flashback)**

"I've already warned the army," Kevin said, "They think he might come here first."

"And why do they think that?" Lois asked.

"Because I also heard him say _'the gung-ho US goes first'_," Kevin said.

Then, there was another knock on the door. Lois answered it, and it was Joe this time.

"Lois, I just got a call saying that Matt has entered the city with intent to kill," he said, "What is this all about?"

_**(Bhaal: It's a slow day for you guys isn't it?)**_

"Ask your son," Lois said, "He's in here."

Joe peered in, and couldn't believe his eyes at what he saw.

"Oh my god...KEVIN!" he ran in and hugged his son tightly.

"I'm alright Dad," Kevin said, "It was Matt who saved me."

Then, without warning, the house across the street (Not Cleveland's, a different house.) _**(Material: Oh well, that's good) **_exploded in a ball of fire. The entire family ran out, to see a black figure hovering over it, a pair of sinister looking, black wings on his back. Then, the army showed up, pointing every weapon they had at the airborne man. He landed to the ground, his wings dissappearing into his back. He lowered his hood, and showed that it was Matt.

"General Matthew Ryder," said President Obama through a megaphone _**(Bhaal: You know with him here that this is not gonna end well.)**_, "You are under arrest for conspiracy to commit mass murder. Please come quietly, or we will be forced to take action."

"...And what action to you intend to take?" Matt yelled, his voice slightly deeper and more malevolent, "If it's a fight you want...you've got it."

Matt drew both his swords...they were both dark Valkyrie Swords. In a flash, him and the army were in Downtown Quahog.

"Quick, get in the car!" Peter yelled, "I'm not missing this for the world!"

Before they could do anyhting, though, a portal appeared, and out stepped Matthew Kennedy and Rosie Kennedy.

"Jaina, I got your call for help," Rosie said, "What's going on?"

"I don't know," Jaina replied, "Come with us, we'll have to make sure."

Everyone piled into the car...except for Meg, who was digging through the umbrella stand.

"Hurry up Meg!" Peter yelled.

Meg found what she was looking for, Matt's golden Angel sword. She stuck it in her belt, and got in the car.

"What did you bring that for?" Lois asked.

"I don't know...I just feel like I need it," Meg replied.

They tore off down the street, without a second glance.

In Downtown, Matt was standing before the entire US army. Only one thought was in his head: Kill.

_**(Material: Well this should be easy. He only has swords and the rest of the have massive guns and firearms.)**_

The troops in the army readied their guns, and open fired. Matt drew his swords, and spun them in complicated fashions in an arc in front of him. Every bullet that came his way rebounded off the blades of his swords, some even being directed back at the person who fired it.

_**(Bhaal: Whoa!)**_

_**(Material: Hey how come we don't get swords? All we have are these crappy guns!)**_

As soon as the soldiers had ceasesed fire, Matt lunged at the nearest one, slaughtering him in a way to horrifying to describe.

_**(Bhaal: And we weren't focusing on this guy before because...?)**_

Then, in a whirl of unholy steel, he quickly turned on the rest of the soldiers. They dropped like flies, each one too heroic to save their own skin.

_**(Material: Pfft! Americans.)**_

Matt was easily able to dispatch the first wave, laughing insanely at the carnage he was causing. He peered into the distance, and saw that several snipers had taken refuge in the taller buildings. Matt lifted his hand, and closed his fist. The buildings they were in crushed in on themselves, and fell into a pile of rubble. Looking up, Matt spotted several helicopters flying overhead, pointing massive guns at him. He hurled his off hand sword into the sky, slicing off the propellors, and easily removing the tail of the nearest one. It fell to the ground with a sickening crunch.

_**(Bhaal: I'm seeing a Wolverine reference here.)**_

_**(Material: Guys, we need to try something else other than standing here and getting killed.)**_

Matt leapt into the sky, landing inside the second one. He quickly killed the pilot, and destroyed the controls. Leaping out as it fell to the ground, he blasted a Shockwave at the final helicopter, reducing it to bits of painted scrap metal.

_**(Material: Okay, that was...different, but we're still getting killed.)**_

He landed on the ground, not even hurt. In the twenty minutes that he had fought, he had destroyed almoset half the US army, and a few of their aircraft. He turned to the person who dared to put up a fight against him...Obama. He tightened his grip on his swords, and charged at him. Deflecting the bullets from the remaining soldiers, he got closer and closer.

_**(Material: Okay, you know you're going to have a lot of emails from the politicly correct, right?)**_

At that moment, the Griffins, Kennedys and Ryders pulled up at the end of the street. Meg got out as soon as the car stopped, and ran toward her husband. Climbing over rubble, corpses, and broken weapons, she drew Matt's sword. But, when she got close enough to him, he stopped his charge at the President, and turned around to face her. Without a word, he grabbed her by the throat, and gave a twisted, evil grin. Spinning her around, he hurled her into a nearby office building. Lifting and moving his hand, he brought the enitre structure down around her. It collapsed into a pile of rubble and broken glass. There had been no time for her to scream.

Jaina, Matthew and Rosie got out of the car as well. They gasped at what they had just seen Matt do.

"Oh my god," Jaina said, "He killed Mom."

_**(Bhaal: Thank you Madame Obvious.)**_

"I have to stop him," Matthew said.

"The hell do you plan to do?" Peter asked from the car.

_**(Material: I'll be quiet at him until he DIES!)**_

"What I have to do," Matthew said, grabbing a gun from the ground, and charging in.

He got a hundred yards from Matt, when he was blasted away by a red particle spell. He hit the ground, and crumbled into ash.

"Dad!" Rosie yelled, "Oh no, we're all going to die!"

"No we're not Rosie," Jaina said, starting to cry, "We're going to stop him."

"Why the hell do I have to stop him?" Rosie asked, "I'm not related to him, or a part of this story."

"He's married to your...late mom," Jaina argued, "That makes him your stepfather!"

"...Touche," Rosie said.

Jaina took a good look at the carnage before them, and the reality of what she had to do set in.

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_**(Material: Wow, that was the longest flashback ever.)**_

Jaina drew her daggers, her tall form standing powerful and proud. However, she knew she didn't stand a chance. Matt was far more powerful, and far more skilled than she was. This would most likely be her last fight. But, if this was her last fight, she would do as much damage as she could before she died. Matt took a step towards her, but in a flash of light, there was somebody standing between them. It was an Angel. One with wings far larger than Jaina, and he wore similar robes to Matt, though his were the purest white. There was a staff on his back, with blades on either side, leaving a two foot handle between them. Jaina suddenly felt safe with this man here.

"Matthew Ryder," he said, "Come back to the light. Let us help you."

Matt merely laughed, "Don't fight a battle you can't win, Archangel."

_**(Bhaal: What kind of a name is Archangel, anyway?)**_

"The I will have to destroy you," Archangel said, standing next to Jaina, "Keep your guard up, Matt has a very aggressive fighting style."

Jaina responded by getting into a battle stance. Matt replied by sheathing his swords, and lifting his hands. Massive pieces of rubble rose up, and hurled themselves at the two. Jaina and Archangel quickly jumped out of the way, taking flight into the skies. Jaina held both her hands out, and rained fireballs onto her father. Archangel supported her by raining down shards of ice. Matt held both his hands out, summoning up a dark bubble that swallowed their attacks. He fired a Shockwave, followed by a dark tendril into the sky. Jaina was struck by the Shockwave, but managed to dodge the other spell. She flew back down, charging at him. When she got close enough, she teleported behind him, and struck him in the neck with her fist. Not waiting to see if it had any effect, she simply flipped back, kicking him to the ground in the process. Archangel, not allowing Matt time to recover, blasted Lightningat his fallen form. The electricity surged through Matt's body, and he writhed in agony. Jaina caught a glimpse of his face, and saw the black and red veins receding somewhat. When the lightning stopped, Matt lay motionless, but the veins began to creep back onto his face. In an instant, he leapt up, and flew after Archangel. He drew his swords with lightning speed, and drove them into his gut. Archangel screamed out in agony, then burst into a thousand tiny particles.

_**(Material: Well, his sword is vastly superior.)**_

Matt turned his attention to his daughter. With a horrifying cry, he leapt at her. Jaina dodged Matt's charge, and struck him with a barrage of prismatic bolts. Matt fell to the ground, limp. He slowley turned over, to see Jaina charging at him. Reacting quickly, he threw his swords forward, and they both ran right through her stomach. Jaina stopped in her tracks. The pain was tremoundous for her. SHe fell to her knees, Matt's swords still sticking out of her stomach. Matt got to his feet, chuckling.

"You were foolish," Matt said, his voice laden with a screechy undertone, "And you have lost."

He grabbed the hilts of his swords, and wrenched them from her gut. Jaina fell to the ground, coughing up blood. WIth all her power, she split back into Baby Jaina and Rosie. They lost conciousness shortly afterward.

"Oh my god," Lois said, her voice barely a whisper, "What's happened to him?"

_**(Bhaal: Uh, he's evil...hello! It's only been an occuring thing for the WHOLE STORY!)**_

"J...Jaina?" Stewie said, tears coming to his eyes.

"What are we going to do?" Lois said.

Matt turned to them, and started walking toward them.

"Oh my god, he's coming this way," Lois said, starting to get scared.

Mat got closer and closer to them. Just behind him, though, the pile of rubble that had collapsed on top of Meg began to move. Jaina and Rosie stirred, slowley getting up, reverting back to their normal forms having healed their wounds. Then, Meg dug her way out of the pile of rubble. Her clothes were tattered and torn, and her hat was missing. Her hair was messed up, and it was scattered all aorund her head. There was a look of unrelenting fury on her face.

"ENOUGH TRICKS!" she yelled, causing Matt to halt, "FIGHT LIKE A MAN!"

He slowly turned around, and smiled.

"It seems that you're very hard to kill," he siad, his voice still thick with the screechy undertone.

Meg revealed that she was holding Matt's golden Angel sword. It seems that having the sword had protected her from the thousands of pounds of steel that she had been buried under. Matt smirked, and leapt at her. Flipping and spinning, he landed by delivering a fatal blow to Meg's neck...but Meg parried the attack? Matt spun and hit her again, but this was also blocked. Meg took advantage of Matt's bewilderment to spin around and deliver a roundhouse kick to his jaw. Matt stumbled back in agony, but quickly regained his composure. He ran at Meg, slashing at her side, but Meg blocked the blow. Meg and Matt started swordfighting feircly, neither one being able to break the other's defenses. Matt's movements were wide and aggressive, but Meg's were controlled and basic.

_**(Material: You know, it would be pretty pathetic if this battle hardened warrior, who just took down a global superpower and two Angels got beaten by a teenage girl who'se never held a sword before.)**_

Matt was fueled by anger and hatred toward something she could not see. Why had Matt done this? Was he truely evil at heart? Or was the new powers he got as a Valkyrie corrupting him? Meg snapped out of her thoughs to slash at Matt's side. It hit! Meg took this success to flee, and run up the stairs of another nearby building. Matt stayed on the outside, firing Extrocate spells at the walls, trying to blast her into oblivion. Meg reached the roof, but Matt was already there, his wings dissappearing into his back.

Meg struck down at him, but it was block. She spun around and slashed at his legs, but he backflipped off the building onto a nearby crane. Meg folowed him, though she had more difficulty. Meg struggled to keep her balance on the crane, though Matt had no trouble at all. Matt unleashed a sequence of attacks, that Meg had trouble blocking, but she managed. Then, she heard an explosion. They both turned in time to see a rocket headed straight for them. With no other option, Meg leapt off the crane, as did Matt, and fell to the ground below.

The wind on Matt's face was calming. Then, the black veins on his face dissappeared. He looked around, as if he did not knowhow he had gotten there. Then, he saw Meg next to him, falling to her death. Matt rolled over her, and grabbed her upper arms. His wings spread, and he tried desperatly to pull up. He levelled out, and let Meg go when he was close enough to the ground, but he himself collided headfirst into a pile of destroyed metal, and was knocked out. The veins came back onto his face, and he stood up with the sadistic grin on his face again. He turned to Meg, and charged at her, knocking her sword from her hand, and knocking her to the ground. He pointed his sword at her, and laughed.

"Did you really think you could beat me alone?" Matt laughed, "There's no way you can kill me."

"Who said _I _had to kill you?" Meg asked.

_**(Bhaal: I kinda assumed it, since you were fighting me.)**_

"DAD! HELP! SOMEBODY'S TRYING TO KIDNAP ME!" came Jaina's cry from the distance.

The veins on Matt's face dissappeared, and he looked up, "Jaina?" he called out, worried.

Meg, not noticing the change in Matt, grabbed the sword next to her, and slashed at his face. The blade grazed across his eyes, and he reared back in pain.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" he yelled, clutching his eyes in agony. Then, Rosie leapt up behind him, and slammed one of Jaina's daggers into his back.

Matt's arms flew out from his body, and he let out a mournful cry, as a black and white smoke erupted from him. He fell to the ground...motionless.

_**(Material: And the was the third time I died.)**_

Meg, breathing heavily, turned Matt over, and gasped at what she saw. His face was back to normal, and his expression was peaceful. The only explaination was that he had reverted back to his old self before Rosie has stabbed him. She covered her mouth with her hands, and fell back against the shattered wall of the building she was backed to. Lois, peter and Chris came running over. Lois picked up Jaina and Rosie, while Chris helped Meg up. She was crying so hard that she could barely stand.

_**(Material: No wait, I recinder that, I'm positive he's still alive.)**_

_**(Bhaal: Yeah, that's not even a surprise anymore.)**_

"What have I done?" Meg said, "I killed him again."

_**(Material: Wow Bhaal, you're so lazy you have the characters answering their own questions.)**_

"Meg...you did what you had to do," Lois said, "You saw what he did."

"But he was a good man," Meg said, "He was back to normal before I killed him."

"Well, can you explain what made him go crazy?" Lois asked.

"...No...I can't," Meg cried, "All I know is that the Matt I knew was in there somewhere...and I killed him!"

Peter lifted up Matt's body, and followed the rest of the family to the car. Suddenly, a bubble fell over the whole family, excluding Matt's body, and there was a brilliant flash.

"What was that?" Peter asked.

"That was me," Jaina said weakly, "I erased everyone's memory. Even the one in Dad's brain."

"But he's dead," Peter replied.

"This should prevent anyone trying to figure out what happened," Jaina coughed, "Let's just go home."

They all filed out to the car. Peter put Matt in the trunk, and drove off. They didn't go straight home, they stopped at at cliff over the beach. Jaina used what was left of her powers, with Rosie's help, and carved out an altar. They laid Matt's body on it, and set a stone up in front of it. Jaina used her dagger to carve out a message, to anyone who would walk by.

_Matthew William Ryder. Husband, Father, Warrior_

_**(Bhaal: Mary Sue, Protagonist, Jackass, Villian, Overpowered Omnipotent Warrior-Magician-)**_

_**(Material: Okay, we get it.)**_

Meg set Matt's golden sword in his hands, and took the black ones from him. They left him there. They drove away, heading home. You could hear Meg and Jaina crying until the car dissappeared down the road.

Matt's body laid on the little altar made by his daughter. His sword was in his hands, and he was holding it like a true warrior would. Then...in a single second...his hands tightened around the hilt.

_**(Material: See? What did I tell you?)**_

**End Episode**


	8. Meg's Boyfriend Prologue

**Episode Eight:**** Meg's Boyfriend, Chapter's 1-5**

**With Tanadra**

_**(Bhaal: Okay, Material's sick this week, so my good friend Tanadra is going to fill in for him.)**_

_**(Tanadra: Thanks Bhaal. Hi everyone.)**_

The Griffins going on a family outing, when Peter makes up a game.

"Hey, I've got a game we can play," said Peter, "Whenever we see a buggie on the road, we hit Meg!"

"What?!?!" shouts Meg, "Don't I get a say in this."

"No," Peter simply says.

_**(Bhaal: Horay for singling teenage girls out!)**_

"Punch buggy green," says Chris after seeing a green buggie and hitting Meg.

"OW!"

"Punch buggy blue!" shouts Stewie and he hits Meg."

"OWWW!"

"Punch buggy yellow!" shouts Peter as he punches Meg on the head... HARD.

"OOOOOOOWWWW!!!! STOP IT!!!"

"HAHAHA!!! Listen to her whine!" said Peter as he was amused with his sick game.

"Peter, this isn't funny!" said Lois.

"Sure it is!" said Peter, "Just like the time I pushed Meg in front of a speeding bus."

**Flashback**

Meg and Peter are standing on the sidewalk.

"Hey Meg, you wanna visit Mexico?" asks Peter.

"Actually no. But I've always wanted to go to-" said Meg before she was cut off by Peter pushing her in front of a speeding bus going to Mexico.

"And while you're there, get me a sombrero," shouts Peter, "And don't drink the water! No scratch that. Drink all the water you want!"

**End flashback**

_**(Tanadra: The Flashback that started it all.)**_

"You told me Meg was at a friend's house," said Lois.

"Well you should have known that was a lie when I said 'Meg' and 'friend' in the same sentence without saying 'she doesn't have any'," said Peter.

_**(Bhaal: BURN!)**_

Meg sees a red buggie and decides that now was her chance.

"Punch buggy red," she says as she hits Chris, "That's one point for me!"

_**(Tanadra: I don't think you score points in this game.)**_

"Ow! Dad make her stop!" whines Chris.

"Oh that's it!" says Peter angrily, "You have gone too far Meg!"

"But I only hit him once!" says Meg.

"Out of the car!" shouts Peter.

"But-" said Meg before she was interrupted by Peter making a hole through the win shield with his fist.

_**(Bhaal: Ouch!)**_

"NOW!" shouts Peter.

Meg instantly obeys and gets out of the car. Peter then drives off leaving Meg alone in a part of Quahog she's never been in. She walks for over an hour until she comes up to a 7-11.

"Excuse me," said Meg as she walked to the counter, "I'm lost and I need a ride home. Do you have a phone I can use."

"Are you a paying customer?" asks the manager who suddenly walks into the room.

"I don't have any money," said Meg.

"Hell no you can't use it!" said the manager as he went back into the back room.

"Wait!" said the clerk as he stopped Meg from leaving, "You can use my cell phone."

"Thank you," said Meg.

"Name's Zack Murdock, by the way." said Zack. Zack had long blonde hair with a mustacheless goatee, an earring and a green beanie.

"I'm Meg," she responds as she dails the number and the reciever picks up.

_**(Tanadra: Little did they know, that this introduction would start a 500,000 total word trend that would overtake the whole universe!)**_

"Hello?" said Peter on the other end.

"I need a ride home. I'm at a 7 eleven in uncharted Quahog," said Meg.

_**(Bhaal: Just for the readers, the boys specifically, Tan's wearing cut-off jean shorts and a white tank top. That is a girl that cannot look bad.)**_

_**(Tanadra: Oh stop.)**_

"Who is this," said Peter.

"Meg." Said Meg and Peter then hangs up, "Oh, COME ON!!!"

"What happened?" asks Zack.

"That fat bastard father of mine hung up on me!"

"He WHAT?!?!"

"I should call Quagmire," said Meg, "Maybe he can help."

_**(Bhaal: ...)**_

"Quagmire? As in Glen 'The pervert/rapist/sex offender/wierdo' Quagmire?" asks Zack.

"Don't worry. We live in the same street," said Meg.

"You do?"

"Yup."

"Well, either way, I can't let you call him," said Zack as he took his phone back, "I still remember when he invited my sister over to make some 'ol fashioned home cookin'."

"What happened?" Meg asked.

"When I got there, they were making burgers," said Zack, "And before that, they were having sex! Dammit, I wish she would've let me know! Anywho, how about I take you home in my car instead?"

"Sure, thanks," said Meg.

"Is that moneyless bitch still here?!?!" shouts the manager.

"SHUT UP YOU PORKER!!!" shouted Zack, "YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T SAY THAT IF SHE WAS SOME BLONDE BUSTY STRIPPER!!! Idiot..."

"Why are you yelling at your boss?" asked Meg.

"He's also my dad, and we have issues," said Zack.

"But won't he fire you?" asks Meg.

"Nah!" said Zack, "He NEEDS me! Now, let's go. Dad, I'm taking her home!"

"Eww! You takin' that ugly porker home?" shouted the manager from the back room.

"DAD, SHUT UP!!! SHE'S NOT FAT AND UGLY LIKE YOU!!!" shouts Zack. seconds later a mug flies out of the room and shatters on the wall right next to Zack, "Oh Sh#t! Let's get outta here!"

_**(Tanadra: I don't think # signs make good censors, but that's just me.)**_

After a very long drive from the 7-11, Meg and Zack finally get to her house.

"Thanks for the ride home, Zack" said Meg, "And since you were very nice to me, do you want to come inside for something to eat?"

"I dunno," said Zack uneasily, "We just met, and..."

_**(Bhaal: You give me wood.)**_

"Zack, I really want you to be my friend," said Meg.

_**(Bhaal: That special kind of "friend.")**_

"You do? Well alright then," said Zack as he got out of his car.

As Meg and Zack wlked into the house, Lois came and hugged Meg.

"Oh, thank god you're alright!" said Lois as she then turned to Zack, "Who is he?"

"He's Zack," said Meg.

"I gave your daughter a ride," he said and was quickly knocked down with a black eye and a bloody nose by Lois.

"MOM! Zack didn't 'ride' me!" said Meg, "He gave me a ride home!"

_**(Bhaal: Again, riding a bike on train tracks.)**_

"Oh my... I'm so sorry Zack!" apologized Lois who was also very embarassed.

"Please call a doctor..." said Zack in pain before he blacked out. He then woke up to see a very worried Meg.

"Zack, you're awake," she said, "You've been unconsious for 5 hours."

"Ohhh... I haven't felt this bad since I ate that expired twinkie," said Zack, "It's actually a pretty funny story. You see..."

_**(Tanadra: ...I was walking down the road when this hooker asked me if I'd ever seen something called a "Lady Finger" and all of a sudden...)**_

_**(Bhaal: S)**_He was inturrupted when Peter walked into the room and sat on Zack(mostly his face) who was lying down on the couch. Zack began kicking and screaming.

"Ahh... Now to watch some TV," said Peter as he grabbed the remote.

_**(Tanadra: I think the women's beach volleyball match is on.)**_

_**(Bhaal: Is she great or what?)**_

"Dad get up!" said Meg.

"Uhhh, don't think so," said Peter as he adjusted his butt on Zack and ignored his muffled screams.

"Peter, you're gonna suffocate him!" shouted Lois.

"Hold on a sec, Lois," said Peter as he then farted. _**(Bhaan and Tanadra: EWWWWWWWWW!)**_ Zack yelled even louder, "Now who are you-" said Peter before he felt a sharp pain in his rear and jumped off the couch, "AHHH!!! SOMETHING BIT ME! SOMETHING BIT MEEEE!!!!"

"Oh, Yuck! Ass!" said Zack as he began gasping for air.

_**(Bhaal: Sounds like a poem. Oh yuck ass! This is...uh...I got nothing.)**_

"Who the hell are you?!?!" Peter asked.

_**(Bhaal: I'm the guy who's singing to ya!)**_

"Peter, this is Zack," said Lois, "He brought Meg home."

"You bring back Meg AND bite me in the ass?!?!" said Peter, "I hate him already!"

"Yeah! Well I hate YOU!" said Zack, "You leave your daughter stranded in the part of town where rapists and murderers dwell and you almost killed me by sitting on me!"

"Stop fighting, you two!" said Meg.

"Shut up, Meg!" said Peter.

"Don't tell her to shut up!" said Zack angrily.

_**(Bhaal: This is getting Meg-nificent.)**_

_**(Tanadra: I thought we called no-punsies this week!)**_

_**(Bhaal: Sorry.)**_

"Who are you to tell me how to raise my kids!?!?" said Peter.

"Freedom of speech, pal!" said Zack, "And I don't like how you talk to Meg."

"Guys, stop!" said Lois, "Now Zack, I know you and Peter seem to be getting on the wrong foot, but how would you like to stay over for dinner, anyway?"

"Why I'd love to, LOIS." said Zack in hopes of annoying Peter, "Thank you."

"Now Peter, why don't you just go over to the basement and calm down, ok?" said Lois.

"Stupid new guy..." muttered Peter as he walked away, "Just because he looks so handsome and crap..."

"I'm so sorry," said Meg.

"It's not your fault," said Zack, "You were right, he IS a dick towards you."

_**(Bhaal: He's the Dick-tator.)**_

_**(Tanadra: Hey! Watch it, little boy!)**_

"Are you feeling any better?" asked Meg.

"I was until your dad sat on my head," said Zack, "I think my concussion is getting worse."

"What was all that noise earlier," said Chris as he entered the room.

"Dad was angry again," said Meg, "Oh, Zack this is my brother Chris."

"YOU!!!" shouted Zack as he pointed to Chris.

"Oh crap!" said Chris as he tried to run away, but was grabbed by Zack.

"What's going on?" asked Meg, "You know each other?"

"This fat piece of sh_**(Bhaal: (bleep))**_t cost me my last job!" said Zack angily.

**Flashback**

2 years ago at Burger King, Zack is behind the counter taking Chris's order.

"What'll you have," he asked.

"I'll have a whopper, with large fries, and a drink." said Chris.

"Okay, that'll be $4.99," said Zack.

"Here you go," said Chris as he handed him money.

"Kid this is play money... from Monopoly," said Zack, "The only things this will buy you are red hotels, green houses, and a get out of jail free card."

"So you're saying my money isn't good enough?!?!" said Chris, "ARE YOU DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME?!?!"

"Kid, you handed me fake money! I could have you thrown in jail!" said Zack.

"It's because I'm fat, isn't it?" asked Chris, "You don't want my money because you think I'll eat the resteraunt out of profit and put you out of a job isn't it? I'LL SUE!!!"

"Wait! Don't sue us, kid," said the manager, "Tell you what, this meal and every other meal you get from us as long as you live is free."

"Gee thanks," said Chris as he took his order.

"Zack, YOU'RE FIRED!!!" shouted his boss.

"WHAT?!?!? But he-" protested Zack before he was grabbed and thrown into a dumpster in the back of a Burger King, "I'LL GET THAT KID FOR THIS!!!!"

**end flashback**

"I hate you!" shouted Zack as he punched Chris, "My girlfriend dumped my because of that sht," he punched him again, "I can't even set foot inside of the resteraunt," punched him again, "And you're ugly!" punched him again.

"Zack, enough!" said Meg as she grabbed him, "Hitting Chris won't get your job back."

"I know, but I like hitting things," said Zack.

"My face hurts," said Chris as Meg carried him upstairs.

_**(Bhaal: WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA! Meg CARRIED him upstairs? Jesus Christ! How strong is this girl?)**_

_**(Tanadra: Note to self: Do not mess with Meg.)**_

"Oh my god!" shouted Peter, "What the hell did you do to Chris!?!?"

"I didn't do, anything!" said Meg.

_**(Bhaal: Except benchpress him!)**_

"You lie!" said Peter, "This is why I always hate you."

"No, I beat him up," said Zack, "He cost me my job at Burger King."

"Covering up for Meg, huh?" said Peter, "Nobody's supposed to cover up for her."

"No, c'mere," said Zack, "I'll show you."

"Okay then" said Peter as he walked up to Zack who grabbed him by the collar.

"I hate you!" shouted Zack as he punched Peter, "My girlfriend dumped my because of that sht," he punched him again, "I can't even set foot inside of the resteraunt," punched him again, "And you're ugly!" punched him again, "See."

"Okay, your story checks out," said Peter as he adjusted his glasses, "I'm starved, let's get dinner."

_**(Tanadra: Okay, so he hates him one minute, then doesn't mind him pummeling him the next. This thing has plot holes the size of a catamite's rectum.)**_

_**(Bhaal: ...what?)**_

Everybody then left the room except Chris who left sprawled on the stairs badly injured.

"Oooooohhh... Help... me..." he groaned in pain.

Everyone was seated at the dinner table(including Chris who had somehow inexplicably recovered from his injuries) being served dinner. Lois started making conversation.

"So, Meg how was school today?" asked Lois.

"I was teased again by Connie and the other poular kids," said Meg, "They stole my books, they stuffed me in a locker, and I almost got raped by jocks just for fun until Neil came by and got beat up long enough for me to get awa-."

"Oh, Blah blah blah! All you ever do is whine," said Peter, "Anyway, today Quagmire called me fat and stupid. It made me cry."

_**(Bhaal: YES! JUSTICE IS SERVED!)**_

"Aww, Peter," said Lois, "You're not fat, you're just a little..."

_**(Tanadra: Obese.)**_

"Wait a minute! Hold the phone!" interrupted Zack, "Your daughter said she was almost raped by jocks and nobody gave a crap. This fat stupid idiot says Quagmire calls him a fat stupid idiot and suddenly he's a victim. HE'S A FAT STUPID IDIOT!!!"

"But...but... it hurt so bad," whined Peter.

"Well don't expect any sympathy from me... Fat stupid idiot," mutterd Zack as he said the last three words uner his breath.

"Okay... so anyway, why don't you tell us about yourself, Zack," asked Lois, "What do you do for a living."

_**(Bhaal: Does the word "gigalo" mean anything to you? *wink wink*)**_

"I work at 7-11 as a clerk," said Zack.

" And..." asked Lois.

"That's it. Ever since your kid cost me my job, I have no home, no girlfriend, and no goals."

"You're homeless?" asked Meg, "Do you sleep in the streets?"

_**(Tanadra: Yeah... guess what my sleep number is.)**_

"No, I have to live in that damn 7-11 store," said Zack, "Even then, I'm still late for work."

"Can't you rent an arpartment or something," asked Brian.

"I earn minimum wage and I have no friends or girlfriend to stay with," said Zack coldly, "You do the math."

_**(Bhaal: Okay, okay, hold on a second... carry the one... divide by three... times some type of root... I got broke, what'd you guys get?)**_

"Wow," said Brian, "Chris sure did f#ck up your life didn't he. Wait how did you get the car?"

"Gift from my mom," he said.

"Mom, can I talk to you in the living room?" asked Meg as she and Lois left the kitchen.

"What is it, Meg," asked Lois.

"Zack has no place to stay," said Meg, "Can we let him stay here until he gets back on his feet?"

"I don't know, sweetie," said Lois, "We don't really know him."

"But Chris ruined his life," said Meg, "It's only fair if we help fix it. He can pay rent and sleep in the attic."

"Alright, Meg," said Lois, "But you're being responsible for him."

_**(Bhaal: Oh yeah. It's perfectly normal to invite homeless strangers into your home.)**_

_**(Tanadra: This is just like that movie. These six teenagers take pity on this creepy hitchhiker, and then they all get cut in half!)**_

_**(Bhaal: ...)**_

She and Meg walked back into the kitchen where the boys were in deep discussion.

"What would you rather do?" asked Peter, "Eat a stinkbug, or tongue kiss Paris Hilton.

"Stinkbug," said Zack.

"Stinkbug" said Brian.

"Stinkbug," said Chris.

"Definitely the stinkbug," said Stewie.

_**(Bhaal: Paris Hilton.)**_

_**(Tanadra: WHAT!?)**_

_**(Bhaal: I'm afraid of bugs, that's all!)**_

"Peter," said Lois, "Meg and I decided that since Zack is homeless, he can stay with us."

"What?" asked Peter, "No freaking way! Not after what he did to Chris."

"But, Chris is the one who ruined him!" said Meg.

_**(Bhaal: ...I have no comment to this.)**_

_**(Tanadra: ...I got nothing too.)**_

"I have to agree with Meg, Peter," said Lois, "And he's not staying for free. He'll be paying rent."

"Well, I'm king of this household, so I say nay!" said Peter.

"Let's vote," said Brian, "All, in favor of Zack staying, Aye."

"Aye," said Meg, Lois, Stewie and Brian.

"All opposed," said Brian.

"Nay!" shouted Chris and Peter.

"4 against 2," said Brian, "Welcome to the Griffin household."

"Fine, but since he's under my roof, he'll be living by MY rules," said Peter.

"Okay, what "rules" must he abide by?" asked Lois.

"Rule # 1, he MUST participate in Meg Bashing."

_**(Bhaal: Rule #2: The characters shall not be aware of what fans call their behaiviour!)**_

"F#ck that," said Zack as he went upstairs to the attic.

"Hey, hey! Get back here!" shouted Peter, "Oh geez! This is is gonna suck worse than the time I beat Vegeta from Dragonball Z at checkers"

**Flashback**

Vegeta and Peter are playing checkers when Peter takes Vegeta's last game piece.

"YAY! I win!" said Peter.

"WHAT?!? First Kakarot beats me and now THIS?!?!" said Vegeta, "A fat human?!?!"

"Geez, Veggie, lighten up," said Peter, "It's just a game."

"JUST A GAME?!?!?" shouted Vegeta as he kicked the gameboard, "I AM THE PRINCE OF ALL SAIYANS!!! I'M SUPPOSED TO WIN AT EVERYTHING!!! I'M ROYALTY, DAMMIT!!!"

"Well, you happen to suck at checkers. It's no big deal."

"I DON'T SUCK!!! _YOU_ SUCK!!! GALICK GUN!!!" shouted Vegeta as he quickly obliterated Peter.

**End Flashback.**

"Wait. What did that have to do with anything?" asked Lois.

"I dunno," said Peter.

"You know, we should really stop doing that," said Stewie, "You know, mentioning some random event that has nothing to do with nothing."

Everyone in the room stand there silent for a moment and then bust out laughing.

"Oh, god I needed that," said Brian as he wiped a tear from his eye, "Like that'll happen."

Zack was upstairs in the basement _**(Bhaal: As opposed to downstairs in the attic? This guy's got physics issues.)**_ playing his Nintendo 64. Specifically, he was playing WWF No Mercy. He had created himself into the game and was beating the hell out of Triple H.

"Just gotta pull off my finisher and I'll become champion," said Greg.

_**(Tanadra: I thought his name was Zack?)**_

Just at that very moment, he heard Meg screaming from downstairs.

"What the hell?" asked Zack who was distracted long enough for the polygonal Triple H to take a steel chair and Smack his CAW's head clean off his shoulders. Literally.

"What the hell? I didn't know the game could do that?!?" said Zack.

The announcer in the game then shouted out, "YOU SUCK!," to Zack as the very same words began flashing onscreen.

"Didn't know the game could do that either," said Zack who was rather annoyed. He then decided to go and see what Meg was screaming about. Meanwhile downstairs, Meg was at the kitchen table looking rather distraught.

"It'll be okay, sweetie" said Lois.

"No it won't be okay," said Meg.

_**(Bhaal: Did you know, they're making an AVATAR movie?)**_

_**(Tanadra: There's only one DVD in the world with that trailer... Twi-)**_

_**(Bhaal: LALALALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!)**_

"What's all the hubub?" said Zack as he walked into the kitchen.

"Homecoming is tonight and I don't have a date," said Meg, "Again!"

"Of course you don't have a date," said Peter, "Nobody likes you."

"Why am I not surprised he was gonna say that?" asked Zack in sarcasm as he took an apple from the fruit bow, "How about I help you get a date?"

"Really," asked Meg, "How?"

"I'll think of something," said Zack.

"Oh this is only asking for trouble," said Stewie, "This'll be worse than the time I accidentally found hentai with Lois and the Fatman."

_**(Bhaal: WHOA! You know... there's only one way Malcolm would know such content existed.)**_

_**(Tanadra: There's also only one way YOU would know such content existed.)**_

_**(Bhaal: ...Touche.)**_

**Flashback **

Stewie is on the computer checking his e-mail.

"Now let's see. Oooohhh," said Stewie in amusement, "An E-mail claiming that I won $2,000. All I have to do is double click and... OH GOD!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!"

Stewie then runs out the door past Quagmire.

"Stewie, where the hell are you going?" said Quagmire as he then looks at the computer screen, "Well alright!"

**End Flashback**

Later at 7-11, a teenage boy comes up to the register purchasing funions and a soda.

"Hey, dude, I'll give this winning scratch and win ticket if you do me this one favor," said Zack.

"Sure! Anything's worth it!" said the Teen.

"Take this girl to Homecoming" said Zack as he showed him a picture of Meg.

The teen then proceeded to light himself on fire with gasoline and ran out the store screaming.

"Wuss..." muttered Zack.

Later, Zack comes up to a skater at the park.

"Hey, I'll buy you a new board if you go out with this girl," said Zack showing him the picture of Meg. The skater then proceeded to skate into the pond screaming while drowning himself.

"Idiot..." muttered Zack.

Later, Zack is at a the mall talking to yet another teen.

"...And I will give you all my worldly possessions if you go out with this girl," said Zack as he showed him the picture of Meg. The teen then proceeded by jumping off the ledge of the 2nd story.

"OH COME ONE!!! SHE DOESN'T LOOK _THAT_ BAD!!!"shouted Zack in frustration.

_**(Tanadra: You sure about that? I mean, everyone in the world seems to disagree with you. Maybe you just have poor taste.)**_

Later he went back to the Griffin's residence.

"Any luck," asked Lois.

"No," said Zack as he went up to his room, "That's why I'm gonna use a different method of 'persuasion.'"

Zack then came out of his room with a shotgun and cocked it before leaving the house. Later at an alleyway, Zack has his gun pointed to another teen's head.

"Go out with her of I'll blow your head off!" shouted Zack.

The teen looks at the picture, then the gun, the the picture, and then the gun again.

"It's not worth it. Just shoot me," said the teen.

_**(Bhaal: I love that show!)**_

"Oh I give up!" said Zack as he proceeded to knock the boy out with a blow from the butt of the gun. Back at the Griffin residence, Zack and Brian are having a conversation.

"It's hopeless!" said Zack, "Every guy I asked either commited suicide or injured themselves. I ask why? Meg isn't that ugly, is she? I blew it."

"Don't blame yourself, Zack," said Brian, "You should be blaming the media, whose definition of attractive are blonde, boney girls with low intellect. This basically affects how Americans view 'attractive'."

"Or maybe it's cuz she's ugly," said Chris as he entered the room.

"Nobody asked you, lardbutt!" said Zack.

"So what happened?" asked Meg.

"I asked every teenaged boy in town and they all did something stupid," said Zack.

"Hey Brian," said Peter, "Why don't you chaperone for her again?"

"Oh no!" said Brian, "Not after what happened last time. No offense Meg, but you were a little, well, loopy."

"Well, that's it then" said Peter, "Meg is still alone and she still sucks since nobody will take her to homecoming."

"I'll take her," said Zack.

"You will?" asked Meg.

"He will?" asked Lois.

"Zack, you should reconsider," said Brian.

"No," said Zack, "I WANT to take her. If I don't do it, no one will and Meg might do something stupid like get a sex change and call herself 'Ron'."

_**(Bhaal: That's... uh... pretty specific there buddy-boy.)**_

"Oh, thank you Zack!" said Meg as she hugged him, "I'm gonna go call my friends."

Meg then ran to her room leaving the others alone.

"What the hell are you thinking, man," said Peter, "That's Meg!"

"Wow, you ARE daring" said Stewie, "He's willing to go where no man has gone before: Meg's vagin-"

"Shut up!" said Zack, "We're merely going as friends and nothing more."

"Just be careful not to show Meg the wrong kind of feelings," said Lois, "She may snap again."

"Don't worry," said Zack, "I'm gonna get changed"

Zack then walked upstairs to the attic to get changed into a suit.

"There goes a brave man," said Peter, "I call dibs on his N64!"

"I want his bed!" said Chris.

"YOU F#CKERS AREN'T GETTING JACK CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA DIE!!!!" shouted Zack. This was going to be a long night.

_**(Tanadra: Yeah, it'll take a whole chapter section.)**_

Later that day, at around 5 pm, Meg and Zack had gotten fully dressed.

"How do I look?" asked Meg. She was wearing a red spaghetti-strapped dress that went down to her ankles and was not wearing her beanie.

"Meg you look stunning," said Lois, "Doesn't she look stunning, Peter?"

"Uhhh..." said Peter.

"She does," whispered Lois.

"Oh, yeah! She does!" said Peter, "I umm, especially like, umm, what she did with, umm... uhhh... She does!"

"Okay, does this suit look good?" asked Zack who was wearing a Black suit with a blight blue shirt and a red necktie. He still was wearing his green beanie, and refused to style his long hair.

_**(Bhaal: You know... drop the hat and you look like a blonde... uh... I forgot where I was going with this.)**_

"Zack, I think you should wear a pony tail," said Lois, "but other than that, you look handsome."

"Thanks," said Zack, "Meg, you look nice."

"You look nice, too Zack," said Meg, "Thank you again for wanting to go with me."

"No problem," said Zack.

"Before you two go, I wanna take a picture of you two" said Lois.

"Go ahead," said Zack as Lois took a snapshot of the two.

"Hah!" said Peter as he grabbed the polaroid, "Now that I've got your picture, I can blackmail you!"

"How?" asked Zack.

"I'll post it on the internet, and everyone will laugh at you for being with Meg," said Peter.

"Do what you want, Peter. I don't care," said Zack.

"Are you sure?" asked Peter.

"Yep."

Peter then took a few steps upstairs, and turned back.

"I'm gonna post it right now."

"Go ahead."

Peter then took a few more steps, and turned back.

"I mean it. I'm gonna post it."

"Fine."

Peter then walked up some more, and turned back.

"I'm gonna really do it."

"Still not caring."

Peter then quickly walked back downstairs and gave the photo back.

"OH, FINE! TAKE IT!!!" shouted Peter in frustration, "You're no fun."

_**(Tanadra: Ah, the first Zack/Peter banter.)**_

_**(Bhaal: You know... when you write it that way it looks kinda messed up.)**_

"...Okay... Well, you two try to have a good time," said Lois as she waved goodbye to Zack and Meg who were leaving in Zack's car.

xxxx

At the school Gymnasium, Zack and Meg arrived to dance to see lights, decorations, and other teens either dancing or having a conversation.

"Isn't this nice?" asked Meg, "Just listen to the music. Don't you just wanna dance?"

"Uhhh, no. At least not yet. Listen, I'm gonna go get us some punch," said Zack as he walked over to the punch bowl. As soon as Zack left, Connie and the other popular kids came by.

"Hello Meg. Where's your date?" said Connie, "Oh I forgot! You don't have one!"

The other kids then laughed at Meg as she became embarassed.

"For your information, Connie, I DO have a date," said Meg.

"You do? Oh wait, I do see him," said Connie, "He's just invisible. Hello there, Meg's 'date'."

"Stop it, Connie," said Meg.

"What's going on over here?" said Zack, "And who's this broad?"

"THAT is your date?" asked Connie, "You're going out with Shaggy, now?"

"So you're Connie, huh?" asked Zack, "You look just like how I pictured you."

"Like the woman you wish you had," she asked.

"No, like a stupid whore!" he said.

_**(Bhaal: This is good, whore-some entertainment.)**_

_**(Tanadra: I WARNED YOU!)**_

_**(Sounds of beating, glass breaking, steel snapping, and a grown man crying like a baby are heard over the microphone.)**_

"What?!?" said Connie in annoyance.

"Um let's go Zack," said Meg as she pulled him away to sit on the bleachers and talk to him.

"Perky little bitch, ain't she?" said Zack.

"Zack, that's Connie, the most popular girl in school," said Meg.

"Wonder how she got so popular?" Zack asked, "Did she spread her legs to the whole football team?"

"Actually... yes," said Meg, "But you need to be careful about what you say. Those jocks could really mess you up."

"Right, right," said Zack, "I'll watch it. Punch?"

"Thanks," said Meg as she took a sip of the red drink. Then Connie walked up to them.

"I demand an apology from 'Shaggy' over there," said Connie, "I don't appreciate being called a whore."

"I'm not saying Jack until you apologize to Meg for that invisible man crack," said Zack, "I heard it on the way back."

"Zack, maybe you should just apologize," said Meg.

"Fine, I'm sorry," said Zack as he rolled his eyes.

"Thank you," said Connie before she hit Meg's cup of punch which made it spill onto her dress, "Oooops."

"My dress is ruined!" shouted Meg, "You did that on purpose!"

"Meg! Here let me clean that off for you," said Zack as he tipped his own cup of punch which spilled on Connie's dress, "whoooooooops!"

"MY DRESS!!!" screamed Connie, "You son of a bitch!"

"Oh, don't wory, I'll get that stain off" said Zack as he runned with a rag but the stain got larger and somehow turned black, "Oops, I'm using my car rag!"

_**(Bhaal: Nice touch.)**_

_**(Tanadra: You might want to have that head looked at.)**_

_**(Bhaal: Ah, I'm fine.)**_

"Argh!!! You ruined my dress," said Connie before Zack threw the rest of his punch on Connie.

"And now I ruined your hair," said Zack and Connie walked off angrily. Zack was then grabbed by one of the jocks.

"Hey, we didn't like what you did to Connie," said one of the jocks.

"Oh yeah?" Zack challenged, "And what are you gonna do about it?"

The other football players began their fists into their palms growling. All Meg could do was turn away and cover her eyes...

_**(Bhaal and Tanadra cover their eyes.)**_

[3 minutes later

"Are you alright?" asked Meg to an injured Zack who had a blackeye, bloodied nose, and his suit torn up.

"I'm fine," said Zack, "But those Jocks are the ones who are gonna need help."

The Jocks, however, were all bloodied, beaten and some were missing some of their hair. They where all over the place; One was stuck in the basketball hoop, one in the punchbowl, and one whit his head in between the door to the bathroom.

_**(Bhaal and Tanadra: AW! We missed it!)**_

Meg then hears a slow romantic song playing.

"Thank you for standing up for me against Connie," said Meg, "That was very sweet."

"No problem," said Zack as he rubbed the back of his neck, "Uh, listen, Meg. I like you."

"I know that" she said, "We are friends after all."

"No, I mean I REALLY like you," said Zack, "Ever since we met in the 7 Eleven, I developed a crush on you. You're sweet, smart, and cute, but nobody in Quahog seems to see that. They seem to be more interested in self absorbed sluts like Connie, or ditzes like my half-sister, Jillian..."

_**(Bhaal: Didn't see that coming.)**_

"Jillian's your half-sister?" asked Meg, "She's Brian's girlfriend!"

"Wow. I always knew my sister had poor taste in men, but damn! A dog?" said Zack, "Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. It just makes me so mad that everyone, even your own family, makes fun of you and call you ugly, so I always defend you. When I look at you, I don't see fat, or ugly. I see someone who could be my destined soulmate. Meg, I love you."

Meg then blinked for a moment. She didn't know what to say. She never met anyone who felt this way about her. It almost made her cry. In fact it did.

"Oh Zack!" said Meg as she leapt into his arms and kissed him on the cheeks, "I love you too."

"The DJ's still here," said Zack, "Would you like to have this last dance?"

"I'd love to" said Meg as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Zack put his hands on her hips and they danced the night away. They were hoping that the song and this night would never end...

_**(Tanadra: And then it did.)**_

_**(Bhaal: And thus started an ever popular and massive in word count trend that would overtake the site and be the end of us all.)**_

_**(Tanadra: ...uh... what?)**_

**End Episode**

**Guest Appearance Question:**** Name the actress who voiced Eliza Pinchley.**


	9. LAAL: Part 1

We see Bhaal and Material standing in a room, wearing monocles and mustaches.

"Hi," Bhaal said, "I'm Bhaalspawn, and this is Material."

"We try to ignore most of the requests of fics we get," Material said, "But over the last four months, there has been one request that... we've really REALLY tried to ignore."

"Lust, Affairs and Love," Bhaal said.

"We felt we really couldn't do justice to the almost six hours of content and description simply by picking fun at one chapter," Material said.

"So that's why we've decided to devot the next few weeks, five Totally Skippable updates, to Masquerade-Angel's Lust Affairs and Love," Bhaal said, "...Um... why are we wearing these things?"

"What if Masquerade Angel doesn't like it?" Material asked, "Do you want him to know what you look like?"

"...Good point."

_**(Aldovas' guest appearance will be put on hold until this marathon is complete.)**_

**Episode 9: Lust, Affiars and Love Part 1**

'Hey, hey Lois, Lois honey? Lois' Peter went on and on much to Lois's frustration that evening, she knew he was drunk and it would just be much easier to make love to him rather than let him carry on but she couldn't do it.

_**(Bhaal: Ooh, this is getting off to a good start.)**_

_**(Material: Hey! We called no sarcasties this week?)**_

Getting up still wearing the sleek black satin dress she put on especially for their anniversary, Lois went out for a walk not caring over the fact that her stilettos were now making her feet swell and blister.

_**(Bhaal: But she doesn't even notice that she's wearing skimpy clothing in the horniest town imaginable?)**_

'Lois?' came the subtle voice of Brian as he pulled over in his small silver car, and got out, walking round to see her with a confused expression on his face, he had clearly not expected to see her out like this and was surprised when Lois fell into his arms tears spilling down into his fur dampening it, as Brian took her round to the car and sat her in the passenger's seat.

_**(Material: Wow, this guy's the king of run-on sentences.)**_

'Do you have anything to drink?' Lois choked finally Brian shaking his head handing her a tissue.

'I'm cutting down on the stuff and my god it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life,' he complained openly making Lois laugh, yet it didn't stop the tears rolling down her face.

'What are you doing walking down the street by yourself anyway? Shouldn't you be with Peter for your anniversary?' Brian questioned.

_**(Material: Bhaal... are you proofreading this as we go? Because I know the paragraphs were not this broken up when I read it.)**_

'Ha, if he gave a damn maybe I would be, but no he had to go and get drunk on _our _anniversary, I tell you why did I marry such an idiot? I wonder how I do it…'

_**(Bhaal: What happened to supressing it? That always works.)**_

'It's because you suppress your feelings when you shouldn't its not healthy for you,' Brian told her worry in his tone of voice making Lois smile weakly.

_**(Bhaal: Well sorry.)**_

'What would I ever do without you Brian?' she asked as tears continued to fall down her face.

'I don't know, I sometimes wonder if it were better that I wasn't around,' he admitted openly,

'What? But why?

'Lois, don't you see? Every time Peter does something stupid and irrational which hurts your feelings you have no idea how annoyed I get, when you began to cry tonight I knew it was Peters fault, I just knew it, and I could've quite easily gone home and knocked the moron out for being such a fool not to see that he has no reason to get drunk when the best thing in his life is the only thing he should want to focus on.'

_**(Material: Wow Brian, any more angsty sololiqy's for us?)**_

_**(Bhaal: I didn't know canines could form allegiences.)**_

As Lois looked downcast she did not speak for a few minutes, Brian not moving from her side as he watched her, now falling silent and waiting for her to speak once again. 'Maybe I'll go to the bar…if Peter can get drunk why shouldn't I?'

'No Lois,' Brian told her sternly, 'there is no way I'm going to let you go and get completely drunk and put yourself at risk walking home,'

'Then come with me,' she started, the white dog sighing in disbelief, there was a time when he would have willingly accompanied her just to cheer her up, but it was no longer like that. 'Lois, there is no way that I'm letting you do that so don't even try it, you will thank me for it in the morning,' he said making her turn properly into the car before going round and starting the drive home.

It wasn't until this point that Lois realised just how far she had walked, and she found herself unable to speak to Brian, not sure what to say, though finally the words seemed to come to her. 'Thank you Brian.' He sighed and did not answer instantly, seeming to think over her thanks when he at last replied, 'it's alright, I just don't like to see you hurt constantly…'

'What do you mean? I'm fine I just,'

_**(Bhaal: LIES!)**_

'Lois, you're not fine, you're in a marriage where your husband idea of a good time is sex, drink and drugs. I'm not perfect but when he has someone like you I just don't get it,' Brian remarked shaking his head in disapproval, Lois saying nothing more as he turned onto the drive.

Getting out of the car and letting Lois out before going inside first where an unbelievable sight awaited them. Walking inside the living room Brian got the impression a party had gone on in the house which had left it virtually wrecked. The lights were smashed, the TV had been knocked backwards off its stand and Peter was slouched out on the sofa naked and singing out of tune and off key when he saw Lois and stood up staggering over to her.

'Hey…hey Lois you missed out, captain caveman came in…and-and we had this game and-and then we had a match to see who could pin the tail on the wall first…and then the lights went out it was super scary!'

Seeing Lois shaking partly with anger and partly from the tears which now sparkled in her eyes again, Brian was the first to make an outburst.

'WHAT THE HELL PETER?! JUST LOOK AT THIS PLACE IT'S COMPLETELY RUINED, YOU KNOW I DON'T KNOW ANYONE SO STUPID, INCOMPETENT AND DAMN RIGHT PATHETIC AS YOU NOW JUST DO EVERYONE A FAVOUR AND GET OUT!'

_**(Material: Ooooooooh!)**_

_**(Bhaal: Peter is in trouble, Peter is in trouble!)**_

Peter stood swaying on the spot looking down at Brian with a dumbfounded expression, drool hanging off the side of his mouth when he turned to Lois saying, 'I didn't know we had three dogs…or is it five?' he questioned Lois at a loss for words and Brian about to retort furiously at his drunken "best friend" when Brian saw the silhouette's of Chris and Meg as they hovered near the top of the stairs.

'Meg, Chris, go back to bed,' Brian told them as calmly as his voice would allow,' the two siblings nodding a little shakily as they ascended the stairs once again.

'Brian…you can't kick him out…not like this, I'll sort it out…you just go and see the kids are alright…'

'Lois, I'm not about to let you…'

'Go Brian,' she said her tone final and for the first time that evening, Lois had regained some of the status she had over the situation.

Leaving the room unsatisfied, Brian climbed the stairs looking back down as Peter made a movement towards Lois, apparently wanting sex he thought, the idea of it making him cringe as he got up on to the landing to see Stewie looking rather amused.

'I say, looks like the fat man has caused up trouble once again…'

'I don't know what to do Stewie, Lois is hopeless she just goes running back to him,'

'You say it like you think it will change, I don't know what you see in her anyway,'

_**(Bhaal: Well, the fact that she's human makes her out of Brian's league, so therefore, being a guy, he's attracted to her. Then there's the whole Maternal issue...)**_

_**(Material: Okay, we don't need a whole lesson here.)**_

Well you would say that, you just want her dead, and to be honest I find it sickening how I still get along with you,'

'Hey no one said you had too, but in my experience having an evil genius in the family is a requirement.'

'Look Stewie I'm not in the mood okay?'

'Oh fair enough, but just so you know the fat man completely trashed the house.'

'Yeah I noticed…' Brian remarked grimly, now going into Megs room where she sat with her duvet pulled right up over her. 'You okay in here?'

'Mm…' she mumbled, Brian coming farther into the room trying to think of something to say that would comfort her. 'Look your dad's just having one of them days, it'll be over soon.'

'Yeah but the ugliness isn't going to go away is it,' she said hysterically, 'I mean look at what that remorseless man has done,' she said her voice going higher as she pulled back the duvet to reveal cuts all across her arms and blood coming through tears in the trousers of her pyjama's.

_**(Bhaal: And there's the mandatory Meg Bashing that every FG fic has to have now, by law.)**_

'dear god what did he do to you?'

'It's his idea of wrestling; he threw me into the TV.' She stated in a horrified tone,

'look just get that cleaned up, did he do anything to Chris?'

'No…' she sighed shaking her head.

Going back downstairs, Peter was now gone, the door hanging off its hinges and Lois sobbing against the arm of the sofa.

'Lois why are you doing this to yourself?' he questioned desperately the red headed woman he knew so well shaking her head in despair,

'I don't know Brian, please just tell me what to do…?' she begged grabbing hold of Brian's collar and pulling him close, so close he could smell the perfume from her neck, feel her warm breath against his face, he couldn't take it and so he held her at a distance, her wrists in his hands.

'Listen to me, your children need _you_ not me, go upstairs and see to them, I'll take care of this mess.'

Unable to disagree or argue anymore, Lois succumbed to his request and leaving Brian to start the impossible task of cleaning up the shards of glass and begin to repair the broken items around the house. The fact Peter had wandered out into the night didn't bother Brian, he didn't care what that man did as long as he wasn't here causing trouble as usual. Everything he did caused chaos and destruction, something Brian believed was not worth it, he didn't know how he managed to live under the same roof as someone as stupid as that.

After three hours of strenuous work to try and clear up the mess Peter had made, Brian finally took a break going up to Lois's and Peter's room where she sat up looking pale and restless. 'Look…things will get better,' he said, though he wasn't sure just how it could possibly be, Peter would never change, his attitude when drunk was wrong and at best something that Brian believed would only get worse. 'Yeah…but your right Brian, tonight was unacceptable, I just don't know what to do…'

'Sometimes things don't change,' Brian breathed with a sigh, 'but I've cleaned up as best I can down there, I just hope Peter doesn't come in with a hangover, or it'll be hell cleaning all that out of the carpet…'

_**(Bhaal: Oh you're one to talk!)**_

'Thank you Brian…You know you are such a good friend…' Lois replied gratefully, trying to put out of her mind that Peter may return hung-over.

'Mm…' Brian muttered not wanting to discuss the matter further, the idea of it giving him a headache as he now lay down, wondering whether the stress would ever fade.

Curling up on the end of the bed, Brian lay with so much going through his mind, that close encounter with Lois had thrown him completely, it was so hard for him to stand by and watch the lady he desired with a mentally retarded husband who only put her through endless strain. He knew the problems probably wouldn't get any easier…he guessed that was why he had drunk so recklessly in the past. It seemed so easy to drown your fears and problems in a martini glass.

As Brian lay there he wondered why life was so hard, he had been through so much, and a lot of his life he wasn't proud of…the drugs he had taken…smoking…drinking himself till he couldn't even walk…it had all been so worthless, it amounted to nothing. Even Stewie had shown some higher level of understanding, he had looked out for Brian in the time when the white dog could not put a stop to his drinking habits, and continued to show some disliking for Brian getting so drunk constantly.

Wishing he had a way to make a turn on his life, Brian sat up looking at the clock and realising an hour had passed, and though Lois was lay down with her back to him, he knew she was awake, hearing the breathing from her that wasn't by any means a stable rhythm.

However Brian found he did not know what to say to Lois, and getting off the bed he walked out of the door and sat at the top of the landing waiting and watching for Peter's return. By five am, Brian was almost asleep when the door opened and closed again, Brian's ears twitching as his eyes flickered open, seeing the large silhouette of Peter entering the house.

Walking downstairs, Brian flicked on the light to see Peter was still naked, his hair completely tangled and knotted and his balance still off but not quite as bad as before. 'Hey Brian,' he said his balance nearly going again, as the white dog got to the ground floor, Brian said no words but merely glared again, waiting…though he knew what was about to come.

'Hey-hey Brian, do you have any idea where Lois is? I remember it being our anniversary, but then she just disappeared…' As presumed, Peter had become so drunk all his memories of the previous night were lost, and though he just wanted to yell at Peter and throw him out, he could not do it.

_**(Bhaal: Isn't public drunkeness illegal in most states?)**_

_**(Material: Oh no, you're forgetting that imaginary cities don't have to abide by federal law.)**_

_**(Bhaal: You know, you don't need to be a smartass about it.)**_

He would help Peter this one time…for Lois's sake, so after forcing Peter to go and take a shower and get some clothes on, Brian went instinctively to the medicine cabinet, knowing Peter would have a rough headache when he finally came around. Drinking water would be too late, Peter had already been intoxicated for far too long, and as Brian knew only to well guessing from the way his friend acted, he would have one hell of a hangover.

'Now that you at least look presentable, I'm going to bed,' Brian said finally yawning, 'though you've got some explaining to do in the morning,' he added seriously, Peter looking at him confused but not answered.

'Hey what happened to the TV?' he said in complete shock running down to the ruined set and placing his arms around it as he sobbed,

_**(Bhaal: You threw a pink cross-dresser at it you moron!)**_

Brian ignoring his calls after him as he went back to bed shutting the door and shaking his head annoyed, Peter really was a hopeless case. Looking over Lois's figure as she lay silently under the duvet, Brian sighed, his longing to be with her he felt would never end, but as Brian was about to learn, love can cause many difficulties and at the end of the day the decision he would be faced with would change the course of his future forever.

_**(Material: Oh...)**_

_**(Bhaal: Well I guess the chapter's over if the sololiquy's done.)**_

**End Episode**


	10. Be A Bad Girl Sophie

**Episode 10: The Spellbook: Be A Bad Girl Sophie**

_**(Bhaal: I know we said we would do a five part LAAL bit but... this is more interesting.)**_

Seeing that today was going to be a warm and sunny day, many of the mothers of Quahog decided to take their kids to the many parts this shabby town has. Of course, Meg, Lois, Jillian and Mrs. Lockhart also took their kids there so they could play together.

_**(Material: I think he meant parks.)**_

_**(Bhaal: Let's count all the spelling/choice of word mistakes we see here. That's 1.)**_

On the playing ground, Sophie, Rosie and Maya were playing in the sandbox, while Stewie played with Kyle with some action figures and other toys.

"You know what would be fun?" asked Rosie, excited.

"Tell us" replied Maya.

_**(Bhaal: Streaking through City Hall while yelling that Adam West is after us!)**_

"We could gather some mud, put it at the end of the slide, and watch all the kids getting their clothes dirty!" giggled Rosie. "It would be really fun to watch!"

_**(Material: I just realized, why is this chapter called Be A Bad Girl Sophie? That seems like a really horrible thing to say to a child.)**_

_**(Bhaal: Ander, welcome to Dateline. I'm Chris Hansen, why don't you have a seat over there?)**_

"I don't know" said Maya, insecure. "That sounds really cruel. Besides, I don't want my clothes to get dirty. This dress is new"

"Oh, it's not cruel" said Rosie in a defensive tone. "It's just mud. Mud can't harm"

"I still don't know" said Maya, and then she turned to Sophie. "What do you think, Sophie?"

However, Sophie was looking at other place, with dreamy eyes and relaxed expression

_**(Bhaal: Okay, she's not looking. You get the cards, while I get the Jell-O.)**_

"Sophie!" yelled Rosie.

"What?" asked Sophie as she snapped back. "Did you say something?"

"Rosie wants to pull a prank on the other kids by putting mud at the end of the slide" explained Maya. "What do you think?"

"Uh…I don't know" said Sophie, still distracted. "Go ahead if that makes you happy"

Both Rosie and Maya looked at each other, and knew what the cause of Sophie's state was.

"Are you still thinking about Stewie?" asked Rosie.

_**(Material: No... I was thinking about... how hot I think you are.)**_

"Yes…" said Sophie sweetly. "Look at him, playing with his toys, pretending that he's an evil overlord…isn't cute?"

_**(Material: 2)**_

"Sophie, you can't be like this" said Rosie wisely. "If you like Stewie, go ahead and take the first step"

"Yeah, he won't notice you either" added Maya. "You have to be like a flea. You don't notice fleas until they bite you. But then, you know that they're there. And there's nothing that you can do to get rid of them. Well, except buying those anti fleas shampoos like that one mama buys for Kyle…I don't have fleas, but I want to try it…whenever Kyle bathes with that shampoo, his hair is so soft and silky…and you know what else is silky? Sheeps. I'd love to have a sheep…I'll spend the whole day stroking its woolly fur…"

_**(Bhaal: You know Ander brings Maya in when he needs someone to spout thirty seconds of bullshit.)**_

Rosie and Sophie looked at Maya with their eyes widely opened. Then they returned to the previous topic.

"Well, if you want Stewie, fight for him! Now go and talk to him!" said Rosie, trying to imbue some confidence on her aunt.

"But what I'm supposed to do?" asked Sophie, showing nervousness.

_**(Bhaal: 3)**_

"I don't know, I'm too young to understand boys or even feel attracted to them" said Rosie with a shrug. "Ask him if you can play with him"

_**(Material: Okay, if you're too young, what makes Sophie old enough?)**_

"Okay, I will" said Sophie, still nervous, as she walked towards Stewie.

"Oh, and if he says yes, don't go to the slide!" said Rosie.

Sophie then walked when Stewie and Kyle were playing. She breathed heavily.

"Hi, Stewie" said Sophie sheepishly.

"What do you want, brat?" asked Stewie with a disdainful ton _**(Material: 4)**_, not even turning at her. "Don't you see that I'm busy right now?"

"I was wondering…if you wanted to play with me…" said Sophie, unable to overcome her shyness.

"Oh, yes!" said Stewie sarcastically. "Let's play with you, why not! And then we could go to your house, play with your stuffed animals and pretend that we live in a world of love and happiness!"

"So…that's a no?" asked Sophie.

"Stewie, don't you think that you're a bit rough with her?" asked Kyle, who saw that Sophie was almost crying.

_**(Bhaal: But I know Sophie likes it rough.)**_

_**(Material: Bhaal, welcome to Dateline. I'm Chris Hansen, why don't you have a seat over there?)**_

"Shut up, dog!" ordered Stewie. "Or I won't let you to play with my toys!"

"These are MY toys!" replied Kyle. "You changed yours for that magic beans, remember?"

Stewie pulled from his pocket the supposed 'magic beans', and threw them away in anger.

"Damn Fatman's genes!" shouted Stewie. Then he looked at Sophie, who was still standing there. "Are you still there? Why don't you go back to play with the rest of the Powerpuff Girls?"

"Haha, so funny!" said an arab boy who walked towards them. "You called them Powerpuff girls because they're little girls and one of them is red haired, another one is brunette and another one is blonde! So funny!"

_**(Material: I just realized something. Meg has yet to have a brunette child.)**_

_**(Bhaal: What about Jac?)**_

_**(Material: Who?)**_

"Go to hell! Don't you have any building you have to blow up?" asked Stewie.

"Haha, and now you used the Arab-terrorist stereotype to make fun of me!...wait, that is very offensive…but it's still funny!" laughed the boy.

**(A/N: No offense to anybody from Arabia or the middle east, BTW)**

_**(Bhaal: Suuuuuuuure)**_

_**(Material: There's no country called Arabia... There's Saudi Arabia, but no Arabia.)**_

_**(Bhaal: He's like a Spanish Bush.)**_

Meanwhile, Rosie and Maya were expecting the outcome of Sophie's 'first step'

"What are they saying?" asked Rosie.

"How should I know?" asked Maya, glancing at Sophie with an eyebrow raised.

"I though that you have enhanced hearing senses since you're half dog" said Rosie.

_**(Material: Does that mean we can call the pound if she bugs us?)**_

"So what if I have them? Does that mean that I have to use my gift to spy on people's private conversations?" asked Maya, offended, but Rosie simply stared at her blankly. "He said no"

"Poor Sophie" said Rosie. "That had been a letdown for her"

_**(Material: What number are we on?)**_

_**(Bhaal: Five.)**_

"Speaking of the devil" said Maya pointing at a very sad Sophie who returned to them.

"Don't tell us anything, we already know" said Rosie.

"I don't know what can I do to make him to like me" said Sophie, downbeat.

"Have you though in improving your wardrobe?" suggested Maya.

"Maya, there are things that buying new clothes won't solve" said Rosie in a deadpan manner.

"Really!" asked Maya, shocked. "I have to tell mama!"

_**(Material: She is so going to end up in porno.)**_

Later in the night, Peter and Lois are going out with Matt's dad Bruce and Mrs. Lockhart, so Meg and Matt have to take care of Rosie, Stewie, and Sophie.

"Okay, I think that we will return by 11 pm or so" explained Lois to Meg. "If something happens, you have our cell phone numbers"

"Don't worry, mom" said Meg. "We will be fine. Try to have fun"

"And so will be the kids" added Matt.

"Okay, see you later" said Lois as she and Peter left the house. Both Matt and Meg sat in the couch, however, it seemed like they let their bodies fall rather than properly sitting.

"Another night that we have to spend here, taking care of the babies" complained Meg.

"Well, at least we have a night entirely for us" said Matt, trying to be positive. "It has been a while since we had some times for ourselves, even if it's at home"

"Yes" replied Meg. "The school, the kids, the job…I think that it's too much…"

"Remember when we were just boyfriend and girlfriend?" asked Matt. "We hanged out a lot"

"It was the fist time I had something close to a life" said Meg, a bit nostalgic.

"We used to walk at night, go to dance, and many more things" said Matt.

_**(Bhaal: You never did any of that!)**_

"And people looked at me surprised when they saw us holding hands" said Meg, giggling a bit. "Because they think that I'm too ugly to have a boyfriend"

"I don't care what other people say. To me, you're beautiful" replied Matt sincerely.

_**(Bhaal and Material: Awww, how sweet and cliche.)**_

"I know. And that's what I stopped worrying about what other people think" said Meg, coming closer to her husband, holding his hand.

"Well, enough about remembering old times" said Matt. "What can we do to spend the night?"

"I have some movies here" said Meg, searching through the DVD boxes in the shelve under the TV. "Last day I chose the movie, so tonight it's your turn. What would you like to see"

_**(Bhaal: Anything besides that crappy Robert Patinson movie.)**_

_**(Material: Which one?)**_

_**(Bhaal: All of them.)**_

"I don't know. Something light hearted, but still interesting. If there are some action scenes would be nice. Oh, and some bits of humour" said Matt. "Although I don't think that…"

"How about the last Transformers Movie?" asked Meg.

"I love you" replied Matt with a wide smile. Meg put the DVD on the recorder, and sat near both hugged each other while the movie started.

_**(Material: You know what? I think that's actually the first time any Meg OC has told Meg that he loves her.)**_

_**(Bhaal: ...Is it?)**_

Little they knew about the disaster which was brewing in the upper floor. Because, in the upper floor, Rosie and Sophie were talking about the incident in the park.

"Stewie will never like me" said Sophie, downbeat.

"Oh, don't say that" said Rosie. "It's that you just didn't attract his attention properly"

"What do you mean?" asked Sophie.

"Which the the things you like to do most?" asked Rosie.

"Oh, I love to play with my stuffed animals, pick flowers, draw pictures of forests, valleys and places with lost of animals, and watch Seasme Street" said Sophie.

"Okay" said Rosie. "Stewie loves to play with his _real_ guns, draw pictures of himself killing grandma, and watch horror films. Do you see the difference between you and him?" asked Rosie.

"I guess…" said Sophie.

"So, in order to Stewie to like you…" said Rosie, doing a dramatically silence "…you'll need to be bad girl, Sophie"

_**(Bhaal: Oh yeah! Be a bad girl!)**_

_**(Material: Why don't you have a seat over there?)**_

"Be a bad girl?" asked Sophie, thoughtful. "But, how can I do that? It's not in my nature to be bad"

"Don't worry, I'll help you" said Rosie. "When I'm finished with you, you'll be scarier than the last Spongebob movie"

**Flashback**

(As always, the italics is the narrator)

_Luck never was on Squidward's side…_

A bunch of scenes of Squidward getting some crap rolls on, like getting trapped in a bubble, being beaten up by a sea bear, one of the many times Spongebob drives him insane…

_He had the misfortune to live between two idiots…_

Now we see more scenes of Squidward getting trapped in a bubble again, his house being blown up several times by Spongebob, being berated by Mr. Krabbs, etc…

_However, things will change soon…_

We see some scenes of Squidward training, such as lifting barbells, running, hitting a punching bag with Spongebob's face on it, etc…

_This squid is angry…_

Squidward bursts in the Krusty Krabby with a machine gun and guns down everybody, laughing maniacally.

…_and he thrives for blood…_

Spongebob and Patrick are catching jellyfishes, when they're approached by Squidward, armed with lots of guns and knifes.

"Hi Squidward!" said Spongebob, cheerful. "Do you want to catch jellyfishes with us?"

Squidward, spotting a wicked grin, cocked his shotgun. The screen faded to black, and several shouts and gory screams could be heard.

_Spongebob Squarepants The Movie 2: Squidward's Revenge._

_Coming soon…_

**End Flashback**

A moment later, the two baby girls were in Meg's room. Needless to say, they're reading the spellbook.

_**(Bhaal: As we all do from time to time.)**_

"Here it is" said Rosie pointing a spell. "The Negative Energy Infusion. This spell will turn anybody cast at into a much more badass version of himself"

"Do you think it will work? Or what if something goes wrong?" asked Sophie, a bit scared.

"Don't worry, it will be fine" assured Rosie, her tone showing self convincing on her idea **(Material: 6)**. "Now stand still for a second"

Sophie didn't move, while Rosie recited the spell. Suddenly, a current of wind came out of the book, followed by what it seemed to be a black cloud. The cloud then came close to Sophie and introduced in her body. The wind then stopped.

"That's all?" asked Sophie, expecting something more dramatic to happen.

"I think so" said Sophie, sharing her young aunt's impressions. "Do you feel any different?"

_**(Bhaal: 7)**_

_**(Material: Huh?)**_

_**(Bhaal: Sophie's talking to herself.)**_

_**(Material: You are aware we missed a whole crapload back there, right?)**_

_**(Bhaal: Fine, 17 then.)**_

"No…" said Sophie. "I think that it didn't worked"

"Well, maybe the effect isn't instant" said Rosie. "Let's see if tomorrow you feel any diferent"

The very next day, somebody rang the door. Lois opened the door, and saw a little girl dressed like a punk: she was wearing a back t shirt with a skull on it, a checked black and red skirt, a spiked collar around her neck and small black Doc Martens, and had long black shed hair. Lois' surprise was capital when she realized who that toddler was.

"Sophie? It's that you?" asked Lois, shocked by the sight of the punkish girl.

"What's up Mrs. G? Is Stewie at home?" asked Sophie, although it sounded like a threat.

"Su…sure" said Lois, still impressed by the radical change of Matt's little sister. "Stewie, come here, you have visit?"

"I hope is important, you dreaded wench!" shouted Stewie, angrily, as he walked downstairs. "You interrupted one of my most important investigations and…and…" but Stewie's rant was interrupted by the shocking image of Sophie.

"Hi, Stewie" said Sophie in a deadpan manner. "Do you want to have some fun at the expenses of other people's pain and shame?"

_**(Bhaal: Wow, this is my kind of girl. Shame she's only two.)**_

_**(Material: Why don't you have a seat over there?)**_

_**(Bhaal: Stop it! It was funny when I did it, but now you're ruining the joke!)**_

"Now you're speaking my language" said Stewie, smiling. "Let's go!"

"Okay, have fun, but don't get yourselves in troubles" said Lois, feeling that there was something wrong with that girl.

Meanwhile, Stewie and Sophie head to the park where their moms usually take them to play with more kids.

"I have to ask" said Stewie. "What's gotten into you? Yesterday you were a wretch, and today you're…whoa!"

"I thought that it was time for some changes" said Sophie rather dryly. "Here we are"

They arrived at the park, where many kids were playing while their parents relaxed in the benches, as well as young couples of teenagers walked holding hands and eating ice creams.

"Let's wreak some havoc!" said Stewie.

Now we cut to a montage of scenes in which Stewie and badass Sophie pulls extreme practical jokes on everyone. Tainted Love, by Marilyn Manson, plays in the background.

Some kids are playing in the sandbox building a sand castle. Stewie and Sophie jump on it, tearing it down, and then began to kick sand to the kids' eyes. Said kids ran away crying, while Stewie and Sophie laugh at them evilly.

A teen girl walks while eating an ice cream. Stewie and Sophie tighten a string, making her trip and fall over her ice cream, getting her face and clothes dirty with it. She ran away crying while the two toddles laugh evilly.

A young couple is sitting on a bench, talking. The girl then leaves for buy a drink. Sophie then jumps on the boy's lap and forces him to kiss her. The girl then sees the boy kissing Sophie, slaps him and walks away. The boy try to explain the situation, but the girl just pours her drink over him. Stewie and Sophie laughs at the poor boy evilly.

A man walks by. The two babies burst from nowhere holding baseball clubs, and beat the crap out of the man. When the man is so injured that he can't even move, they walk away while laughing evilly. Sophie then returns, steal his wallet, pick all the money and toss the wallet away. Stewie then returns and spits the man in the face.

After all their hooliganism, Stewie and Sophie sat in a bench to rest.

"I don't remember the last time I have such a nice time with a girl" said Stewie. "I wonder why you took so long to become this cool"

"Me neither. Now I understand why you are evil: being evil is so funny!" replied Sophie with a glee. "God, when we beaten that poor sap…what a rush!"

"Yeah, it was…hey, why do you look so weird?" asked Stewie. The infant noticed that Sophie's skin was now pale white, and had black rings under her eyes.

"There's nothing wrong about my appearance" replied Sophie. "Okay, what can we do next?"

"Oh, I think I'm off of bad deeds today" said Stewie. "However, we can repeat tomorrow"

_**(Bhaal: 18)**_

"Oh, come on, don't be such a buzzkill!" said Sophie, a bit disappointed. Then he saw a boy walking towards a litter basket "Hey, watch this"

Sophie's eyes glew red, and a blaze of fire came from the litter bin, almost charring the boy, who ran away scared.

"Whoa!" said Stewie in shock. "How the hell did you do that?"

"I don't know" said Sophie with a shrug. "I don't really care. Just think in the potentially cruel pranks we could pull with these powers! Oh, I know, let's go to the downtown and see how I provoke a multiple crash!"

"Listen, Sophie, I like you now much more than before…but I think that you're going a bit overboard" said Stewie, a bit frightened. "I think that you should take it easy. You're now more scary than those Shadow The Hedgehog haters"

**Cutaway**

Shadow is in his house watching TV when he heard some noises in the front lawn. He went to see what's going on.

"What the…?" said Shadow, perplexed, after seeing a burning cross in front of the house.

"Don't dare to appear in any Sega game again, you bastard!" said a Ku Klux Klan guy, who was in a truck with other guys dressed alike.

"Otherwise, the next time you'll find something more than a burning cross in front of your house!" threatened another one.

"Yeah! The next time we will…put TWO burning crosses!" said a third man, trying to sound menacing. All, the other guys looked at him. "What? That's more than a single burning cross!"

**End Cutaway**

"Take it easy?" asked Sophie, showing a crazy smile. "What do you mean? Don't you like the new me?"

"Yes, yes I do!" answered Stewie quickly. He was getting each time more nervous as he saw how the toddler was driving into madness. "It's just that…that you're…oh, come on, provoke a multiple crash? That's too much even for me"

Sophie didn't say anything in response. She didn't even look at Stewie. Stewie was now worried.

"Sophie, are you-" but Stewie's was interrupted when Sophie cast a red lightning on him, sending him several meters backwards.

_**(Material: It's Good!)**_

"TAKE IT EASY!" roared Sophie, unleashing all her bottled rage. "I DID THIS TO MAKE YOU TO LIKE ME AND NOW YOU TELL ME TO TAKE IT EASY!"

_**(Bhaal: This must be what Twilight Fangirls are like.)**_

"Sophie, please, calm down- wait, what do you mean 'I did this?'" asked Stewie.

"I used the spellbook to be a bad girl just to impress you! You always rejected my friendship and affection in each time colder ways, and when I became the type of girl you like, now you tell me that you don't like me either? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!" shouted Sophie. A thunder clapped when she asked this question. "The guy obsessed with ruling the world!"

"That's true but…you took this too far!" said Stewie, frightened. "Wanting to rule the world is different from killing people just for fun!"

"Actually, no, it isn't" replied Sophie.

"Well, maybe you're right, but I won't change my mind" said Stewie. "You should calm down"

"You know what? You opened my eyes" said Sophie coldly. "You are a total sucker, like my former self. However, this whole experience opened the door for a new world! With these powers, the possibilities are endless!"

"Sophie then disappeared in a burst of flames while laughing maniacally, leaving Stewie alone.

"Okay, this doesn't look good" said Stewie to himself. "Now I'd call for a flashback, but I'm so scared that I can't think in anything."

_**(Bhaal: 19)**_

Meanwhile, in the Griffin house…

**Cutaway to TV**

"On our local news, a couple of toddlers have been terrorizing people in one of Quahog's park" said Tom Tucker.

"That's right Tom" said Diane. "The aforementioned victims have been ridiculed, mugged and verbally and physically attacked"

"Hey, that reminded me that practical joke we pulled on Fred, the sound techinician" chuckled Tom. "I heard that he left the channel after that"

"Tom he didn't left the channel. He committed suicide after your little prank made his wife to divorce him" said Diane dryly. "Anyway, here's a picture of the vandals"

A picture of Stewie and Sophie beating up an old woman appeared on screen

**End Cutaway**

"What?" asked Lois, worried. "Stewie and Sophie have been doing such bad actions? I can't believe it!"

_**(Material: Yeah, who would've thought Stewie would be evil, I never would have guessed.)**_

"What is weird is Sophie's appearance" remarked Matt. "She never wear such dark and gloomy clothes. And let's not talk about the gothic makeup"

_**(Bhaal: Why, does Gothic makeup scare Matt?)**_

_**(Material: Does Matt wish he was a pretty girl?)**_

"Anyway, we can't stay here watching" interjected Brian. "We have to find those rebel kids and see what's wrong with them"

As on clue, Stewie burst in the house, gasping for air, looking really scared and exhausted.

"Sweet! Now we only have to look for one baby instead of two" said Peter.

_**(Bhaal: And finding Sophie shouldn't be hard. Just follow the path of carnage, destruction, cackling, and obvious giveaways.)**_

"Stewie!" shouted Lois when she saw her infant son. "You've a lot to explain, young boy!" said Lois angered.

"Stewie, what happened?" asked Rosie. "Sophie and you appeared on TV!"

"At first I was just having fun with her. Just pulling pranks on people and stuff" explained Stewie, still gasping. "But then…she went overboard with the bad girl thing…she wanted to provoke a multiple crash in the roads, burn buildings with people still inside and that."

"It's still hard to believe what you're saying" said Matt, pensive. "I mean, Sophie has been always a sweet and nice girl. Wonder what's gotten into her"

"She wanted Stewie to like her, so we used the spellbook to turn her into more of a badass" said Rosie, without realizing of what she just said. "Oops…"

_**(Bhaal: This is not a girl who would do well in the CIA.)**_

"Did you use the spellbook without my permission?" asked Meg, outrighted. "You're in a big trouble now!"

"Can we talk about punishing our daughter that later?" asked Matt. "We must find Sophie"

"I guess that it won't be hard" pointed out Peter. "Look at the news"

**Cutaway**

"Newsflash! One of the aforementioned vandal kids, a girl, is now wreaking havoc upon Quahog" said Tom.

"Said girl, still unidentified, displays an amazing range of supernatural abilites" said Diane. "And since this is too dangerous for normal people to be near said child, we sent our asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa, to cover the events. Tricia?"

"Thank you, Diane" Said Tricia. "As you can see, the unnamed girl is using her magical abilities to harm people, destroy cars, explode streetlamps and break glasses from windows and stores. Excuse me, little girl, can you tell me why are you doing this?"

"Sure" said Sophie. "I'm doing this because it's funny!"

"That's all? And how did you gained magic powers?" asked Tricia.

"Oh, I wanted to impress a boy I had a crush on, but it was useless" explained Sophie. "But this experience also helped me to see how funny is to be evil"

"Well, as a concerned mother, I think that being evil is not funny" said Tricia.

"Oh, I beg to differ" grinned Sophie. "And maybe a rush of negative energy may help you to see that I'm right!"

Sophie then cast a black lightning on Tricia, although she seemed to be unaffected.

"Hey, it was true" said Tricia. "F(bleep!)ck you, Tom and Diane, I'm going to kill you whenever I can. Meanwhile, I'm going to break some stuff and hit some random people just for fun"

"Thank you, Tricia" said Tom. "As you can see, girls nowadays are ready to do anything for boys they like"

"And who have to blame for it?" asked Diane. "Their parents? The school? The TV? Jack Thompson thinks that the videogames. Find it out tonight at 11"

**End Cutaway**

"Oh, god, this is terrible!" said Matt, worried for his little sister. "We must stop her before she harms anybody!"

"Newsflash, Einstein: she's already harming lots of people!" said Stewie sarcastically.

Meg then came downstairs with the spellbook and sat on the couch.

"Okay, Rosie, tell us which spell used" said Meg as he put the book on her lap

"I think that it was named Negative Infusion" said Rosie, trying to remember.

"Okay, here it is" said Meg, after finding the spell. "It seems that this spell increases negative emotions such as rage, disdain for other's sake, aggressiveness and hatred"

"Does that say something about magic powers?" asked Brian.

"It seems that, in high doses, the target of the spell may do develop magic powers" said Meg, as she continued reading. "It also says that it has a feedback effect"

"What does that mean?" asked Lois.

"As Sophie's negative energy increases, she will become much more evil and mad, rpomting her to do more evil deeds" Explained Matt. "And with each evil deed, the negative energy will increase"

"Okay, how do we undo the spell?" asked Rosie.

"There's also a Positive Infusion spell, which may nullify the negative energy" said Meg.

"Okay, so we only need to find Sophie and" said Lois before being interrupted by Meg.

"Oh, no!" said Meg, frightened. "Here says that the negative energy may consume the body if it gathers too much!"

"Are you telling me that Sophie will die if we don't cure her?" asked Matt, shocked. "Come on, we have to find her as soon as possible!"

Meanwhile, in the burned and ravaged downtown, Sophie is sat on a bench eating some ice cream.

"Being evil makes get hungry" said Sophie. "But is very satisfying. Right, dude?"

"Y-yes…" muttered the ice cream vendor.

"I'm glad to you removed the walnuts. I hate walnuts" said Sophie. "Thus, I'm not going to kill you"

Suddenly, Sophie saw a red car approaching t her. The car then stopped, and the Griffins stepped out.

"Oh, my beloved family" said Sophie with a glee. "Did you come here to enjoy destroying stuff and being bad?"

"In order for the counter spell to work, she need to stand still for some seconds" said Meg.

"Sophie, you must come with us!" pleaded Matt. "You need help!"

"No!" replied Sophie, angered as she threw the ice cream away. "For the first time in my life I'm having fun! The old, good and meek Sophie doesn't exist anymore! I love the new me!"

"Sophie, you have no idea of what's gotten into you" said Meg, trying to sound calm. "You feel good, but there's something going terribly wrong inside you!"

"Mom, leave it" said Rosie. "She refuse to see reason. Leave her to me"

"Please, don't harm her too much" said Matt, saddened. "She doesn't know what she is doing"

"Let me help you" said Meg. "Now that I have magic powers too, maybe I can be of some help."

"Don't worry dad" said Rosie. "Okay, Sophie, come with us, or else…"

"Or else what?" replied Sophie, defiant.

"Or else this!" said Rosie as she cast a electric bolt on her. However, Sophie avoided it without problem.

"Hahahaha!" laughed Sophie. "That's the best you can come up with? Oh, and by the way, what do you think of my evil laugh?"

"You won't be laughing for longer!" said Rosie as she cast another lightning bolt, but this time was more intense.

Sophie cast a dark shield around her, preventing her niece's attack to harm her, although this time she had to put more effort in avoiding the attack.

"It wasn't bad, but wasn't impressive, either" said Sophie, disdainful. "My turn!"

Sophie leaned back, took a deep breath, and spit a huge blaze of fire. Rosie was off guard, however, Meg was not. She saw a fire hydratant, and used her powers to burst it. Then she used her powers to redirect the water towards the fire wave, neutralizing the attack.

_**(Bhaal: This duel has the pacing of a Final Fantasy fight.)**_

"Haha! You can't defeat us!" said Rosie, triumphal. "Eat this!"

"Let's see how good I am at this" said Meg. Her ring glowed with a pink shine, and cast a pink lightning on her sister in law. Rosie also cat another lightning bolt. Sophie deflected both attacks with her shield.

Rosie's eyes glowed blue, and a few trashcans levitated from the ground, and fled towards Sophie. Sophie, however, shot with her laser eyes at the trashcans, blowing them up.

"That was lame!" laughed Sophie. "Let me show you how to do it!"

Sophie's eyes glowed red, and used her telekinesis to levitate a car and threw it at the Griffins, who had to run away.

Rosie was paralized with fear at the sight of the flying car. Fortunatley, meg grabbed her and used her powers to jump out of the way.

"Rosie! Are you okay?" asked Meg, worried.

"A car? Are you kidding me?" asked Rosie, outraged. "I was born with magic powers, and I have troubles levitating stuff heavier than me, yet she gained magic powers a few hours ago, and she can levitate A FRIKING CAR!"

"She's too powerful" commented Brian. "We can't defeat her"

_**(Material: Who's we? You haven't done shit all!)**_

"But we can't give up!" said Matt, anguished. "It's my little sister! We…!"

"Hey, what's she doing?" asked Peter.

Everybody saw how Sophie was opening what it seemed to be a rift between dimensions, and jumped thought it.

"Quickly, we must follow her!" hurried Matt.

"But we don't even know where does that portal lead!" said Lois, angered.

"I don't really care" said Matt, now more determined. "She's my little sister, and I'll do whatever it takes to save her"

_**(Bhaal: Even if that means standing by while other people do the work.)**_

Matt dashed to the portal, and jumped through it.

"Mat, wait for me!" said Meg, following her husband through the door.

The rest of the family decided that they couldn't leave them alone, so they also crossed the portal, still worrying about what would find at the other side.

_**(Material: What are they going to do to help? Seriously.)**_

"Where are we?" asked Stewie.

Everybody got up and looked around. They expected to be in some kind of alternate universe, but it wasn't the case. They seemed to be in some sort of green limbo, with nothing more than green clouds and floating asteroids. In fact, they were in a very big floating asteroid.

"I don't know" said Rosie. "And I can't think what Sophie would want of this place"

"Maybe that ominous big gate" said Peter pointing to a nearby black gate decorated with demonic motifs. And, indeed, Sophie was in front of that gate.

"Sophie!" yelled Matt, but he got no answer.

A black aura surrounded the crazed toddler. She levitated a bit, and her eyes became white, like she was in some kind of ecstasies. Suddenly, she began to channel a black energy beam at the mysterious gates.

"What is she doing?" asked Lois, frightened.

"I don't know, and I'm not going to let my sister to finish whatever she's doing!" said Matt after running towards his sister. The door started to open, and a cold wind came from its gap.

Matt tried to tackle her sister, but he was knocked backwards by an invisible force field. He tried again, with no result.

"Dad, stop!" cried Rosie. "You're going to harm yourself!"

"I don't care!" replied Matt after tackling Sophie one more time. This time he was successful, and was able to hold Sophie between his arms. The gate closed with a slam.

"Get your hands out of me, you idiot!" shouted Sophie, now out of the trance. "You're going to ruin it!"

_**(Material: Matt, why don't you have a seat over-)**_

_**(Bhaal: DO NOT!)**_

"Matt, hold Sophie for a moment while I cast the positive energy spell!" shouted Meg.

The dark aura surrounding Sophie turned red, and Matt's arms began to burn.

"Mom, I'll do it!" said Rosie snatching the book from her hands. "You help dad!"

Meg's ring glowed pink, and cast a spell to neutralize Sophie's fire aura. Meanwhile, Rosie cast the spell on her aunt, with immediate results. Sophie fainted, and her appearance was again her usual.

"Come on, we have to get out of here" urged Matt.

"Let me carry Sophie" said Meg, taking Sophie's unconscious body.

"Matt, your arms are burned!" said Lois in shock. "Are you okay?"

"It hurts a bit, but I don't really care" said Matt, still in a determined tone. "It was a small price to pay for getting my sister back"

"Less talk, we gotta get out of here NOW!" said Brian as he and the others crossed the closing portal, returning to Quahog.

Hours later, the Griffins and Kennedys returned home, and talked about what happened.

"So you don't remember anything?" asked Matt to his little sister.

"No" said Sophie. "All that I remember is playing in the park with Stewie and then…the rest is very hazy"

"What it really intrigued e was that gate Sophie was trying to open in that limbo" said Meg. "Wonder what it was"

"Maybe there's something about that in the book" said Lois. "However, after what we went through, we shouldn't care. All what matters is that Sophie is okay and that nobody was hurt" said Lois, relieved.

"Well, actually lots of people were hurt" remarked Peter. "So what it matters is that nobody that we know was hurt"

"Maybe you're right, mom" said Meg. "But I think that that gate was something important, and I'm going to find out what is it and why Sophie wanted to open it"

"I'm sure that, sooner or later, we'll know it" said Matt. "Now I better take Sophie back to home"

Meanwhile, in the same place Sophie opened the dimensional portal, a blue glowing cloud emerged from the nothing, and spread through the whole town.

To be continued…

_**(Bhaal: And it never was...)**_


End file.
